the ability to turn it off...to just let go...fucking rocks.

big, loud waves.
i dig that.
i am pretty much fascinated with any dude that spends large amounts of time out on the ocean.
stopped at the tatoo shop/parlor while i was here.
to get my nose ring. but they were out. um....hello. what kind of tatoo parlor is out of nose rings?!!

been wasting entirely too much energy on something that is bad for me. instead of fighting it....thinking i NEED this particular thing to keep my shit together....i just let go. i am done.

fort bragg is a possibility. i am comfortable there. i think i can get over the history i have there (with james and pre-james).

long-haired hippy dude and a little roadtrip.

i used to live in fort bragg, california. loved it there. decided to take a little roadtrip back there over memorial day weekend. i went to one of my favorite beaches. i sat, wrapped up in a blanket and watched the sun set. it's the first time i've been back there since james died. it was our place. i took him there once we were together. and he loved it. we went there often.

today is my anniversary. james and i pretty much spent every memorial day weekend in mendocino/fort bragg for the last 18 years. it was just our thing. where we went for a quick weekend getaway. i sat on the beach. without him. took in the beauty. the smell of the ocean. i took the time to really appreciate what i was seeing. and smelling. the feeling i had. that i could take a deep breath.

as i walked toward the waves, under the trussell, there was a long-haired hippy dude and his dog walking on the beach. i love dogs. so of course i talked to the dog as we passed each other. long-haired hippy dude smiled at me. i smiled back. whatever. i didn't give it another thought. on my way back to my car (after sitting on the beach for quite a while) long-haired hippy dude was sitting on a big log with his dog. he came over to me as i was walking toward my car. he asked me to sit with him on the beach. some people you are just attracted to right away. i knew in the time it took us to pass each other on the beach that i was attracted to him. it was trippy. and it was good.

nothing happened between me and long-haired hippy dude. because i didn't let it. but i was so tempted. if i didn't have kids...that night would so have ended differently. instead....i had to leave...go back to the boys (no, they were not by themselves). i am 100% a do it now, instinctual (deal with the consequences later) kind of person. except now i can't be. because i have the boys. and it's a constant struggle within myself. holy crap it's exhausting.

what an amazing beach. what an amazing sunset. and long-haired hippy dude......it was just a fuckin trip...him coming up to me....it was nice to feel connected....to someone....

no, i'm not dead. just laying in the middle of my driveway.

one of my favorite photos of ethan. walkin on the beach. drinkin hot cocoa. nice.
my toes are now metallic blue. sweet. nice change from the purple that they were (that everyone thought was black). they will be black. at some point.
feeling fuckin' destructive.
that comes and goes.
well. no. it mostly comes.
but i mostly maintain.
feeling overwhelmed today (i was sorting through some of james' things in the garage).
so i layed down in the middle of the driveway.
to fucking get my shit together.
needed just a minute.
and jan drove by (she lives a few houses down).
we ended up spending the evening together.
dan invited us for dinner (he cooks...jan does not)....
jan and i took a long walk.
we talked.
dan and rachael had the boys.
i don't know what i'm going to do withtout her/them (when i move).
that's gonna suck.

a no photo post.

i'm too lazy to look through my photos.
therapist dude asked me to write some things down.
he's going to read them next time i see him.
poor dude. he doesn't know what he's gettin himself into.
he asked me to write about the things that i leave off my blog.
so i did.
restless. so so restless.
think i'm gonna hit the road this weekend.
now i'm gonna go watch a movie. maybe two.

maybe i should live where it rains.

love the look on alexander's face.
he is SO my kid.
so fucking full of attitude (LOVE that).
love the innocent, adorable smile on E's face. nice.
feeling downright pissed off.
for no good reason.
been feeling this way for a couple of days.
restless.
went to see therapist dude this afternoon.
that makes me tired.
enjoyed a nice drive home.
it was 84 degrees.
the clouds rolled in.
it almost looked like rain. but it never rains here.
drove with the windows down and my music loud.
i can do that when the boys aren't in the car.
never giving up my 'i don't give a crap attitude.'
it works for me.
trying to appreciate the small things......

39.

one of my favorite photos of us.
you holding me and your fuckin leg wrapped around me.
so good.
this photo totally makes me smile.
thanksgiving 2007 in mendocino.
so fucking sexy.
holy crap i miss him.
that part of us.

james took this. totally. he ALWAYS freakin took photos of my ass. and it fuckin cracks me up.

i spend so much time trying NOT to think about james, that i thought today would be a good day not to try so hard. to let myself think about him.

it's possible to feel deep (deeper than i've ever known even existed) sadness....yet be able to laugh at the same time. that's what today is like for me. today james would have been 39.

james wouldn't want me to be sad today. and i'm tired of fuckin being sad anyway...so i have tried to think about all the good.....to laugh and smile. i know james would not want me to let this kick my ass. i said pretty much the same thing on facebook (everyone kept sending me email messages asking me if i was okay today). so yeah. i'm fine.......

15 things. 10 was not enough. 20 was too many.

the astoria-megler bridge. as i type the name of the bridge i say it to myself inside my head. it makes me laugh. i will never forget the name of this bridge.

it takes you from oregon into washington state. we drove over it. it needed to be done.

15 things:
emptiness.
and then fulfillment.
the natural way things roll. sometimes it's brutal. sometimes it's beautiful.
the ocean.
coca-cola.
sugar.
i realize coca-cola and sugar are basically the same thing. but seriously. if my body doesn't receive a dose of sugar in some form (along WITH a coke) every day...i'm hurtin. how did this addiction happen?
caffeine. yes. i'm back on the red bull.
peaceful sleep.
thinking outside yourself. NOT being self-absorbed. being aware of what's around you. the fuckin bigger picture.
laughter.
life. broken-in and blown-apart. it's powerful.
possibility.
realizing injustice is not being overcharged at the effin grocery store. how quickly we become small.
clarity.
wicked goodness.


quirkygirl, what is your name?
eva...hi! you are wonderful.

stream of consciousness.

blurry photo but i don't care.
it conveys a feeling of freedom.
this is me in lincoln city. or at least the bottom half of me. ha!
jan makes me aware of things that i easily forget.
ethan respects her. and that is saying something.
i am failing my oldest son. in certain respects anyway.
why can't i give him everything he needs all at the same time?
i absolutely mother fucking SUCK at keeping it all together.
i can focus on a few things...but then other things get out of control....it's a fucking never-ending circle of shit.
i always feel like i am barely hanging on or that i have to catch up.
i can do the things that have to be done. but then i fail at other things.
how hard can it be??
so totally not looking for 'you can do it, it'll all be okay' comments. i'm just sayin.
seeing a therapist sucks. i fucking always feel like crying when i am there. and crying sucks. what. are they just not fuckin doing their job unless they make you feel like you want to cry?!
i am pretty sure that i will, in fact, flip him off again. because he pisses me off. i think he finds me amusing. which makes me smile my smirky smile.
i want to be so over all this shit.
i want to be in control of my emotions. to be in control of every aspect of my life (as much as a person can be anyway).
i want to rely on no one.
i don't want to need anyone.
and it pisses me off that i might, some day....need someone.
needing someone makes you vulnerable and i am so not going there.
i always feel like crap on the days i see the therapist dude. and this is helping me....how...exactly??
yes. i will keep going. because he might be able to help E. and i can't expect ethan to go if i'm not willing to go myself.
therapist dude's words of wisdom to me today?
write down a list of pros and cons (regarding where i want to live).
jam the tunes in my iPod, caffinate up and think.

one of my favorite photos from astoria.

the view outside our hotel in astoria. the boys loved watching the big ships come and go up/down the columbia river. nice.
trying to put myself in the right mindset for what is to come.
trying to keep my perspective.
trying to find the balance of me going on with my life while at the same time keeping james' memory alive for the boys. that is balance i have yet to achieve.
when my need to move finally outweighs my fear of fucking up i guess i'll do something. it's not that i'm afraid of fucking up. i'm not. cuz, dude. i fuck up all the time. but this time....there are consequences. any wrong decision i make will affect us financially. that is a big part of why i haven't made my decision yet. there are also smaller issues...selling my house...buying another one....actually moving. but this is what i tell myself. no matter what happens, we will be okay. i'll figure it out.

my philosophy.

i love this house. there's something about it. it's a house i saw when driving around seaside. it has character. i dig that. if it happened to be in a town i wanted to live in, and was the right size, i might buy it. it just has that feel to it.

my philosophy:

live fully and completely.

sometimes it's really hard to do. do it anyway.

show empathy. that is so very important.

do what the fuck you want.

say what you mean.

mean what you say.

do things for yourself.

you are responisble for yourself. for your actions. live it. and move on.

if you want something, make it happen. figure out a way and do it.

if you're not happy with something, change it.

be willing to take a chance.

you can never get this second, minute, hour or day back.

do something good with it. whatever that is to you.

don't judge yourself too harshly.

take care of youself. no one else will.

stand up for yourself.

be open. to life.

be happy. and dude. i know that is so not easy. but at least try.

slut butt.

photo E took.
me at cannon beach.
it was frickin freezing!!!!!
i was not adequately prepared for how cold it would be. and i should have been. i know what it's like at the northern oregon coast.
going to eat coffee ice cream with magic shell. i so shouldn't. but i so am.
going to watch a movie.
and then go to bed.
first quiet moment all day. holy crap.
took my mom to the airport. she is now on her way home.
so we see this chick with a tramp stamp. you know...a huge-ass tatoo sticking out of her thong and low rise jeans. my mom goes, 'oh look. slut butt.' omg. too fricking funny. so i tell her, no mom. it's called a tramp stamp. i love it. then i tell her i am getting a tatoo. not a tramp stamp...but something. just haven't decided what and where. i think it will be hidden. seen only when i am naked.

the weekend was crazy.

E turned 8 on april 20th. we celebrated this weekend. this photo sucks (it's blurry) and i funked it out (which i dig). this is jan singing happy birthday to E in spanish. she is, after all, a spanish teacher and just got back from spending some time in peru. E thought it was pretty funny. he loves her.

all E wanted for his birthday was a new DS game (which i gave him), to see his counsins (they came and spent the weekend with us) and a chocolate cake with chocolate buttercream frosting.

it was a crazy weekend.

5 boys.

christine and my mom here.

dana here on frday.

all of us up late.

very very late.

talking.

laughing.

no martinis for me (though i was tempted since dana was here). i had a wee bit too much to drink last weekend and i'm still not quite over it.

all i can say is, you gotta take peeps as they are.

keep a smile on your face and take it as it comes.

oh. and keep the vodka handy. i may have that martini tonight. because i feel like my head is going to explode. it. was. insane. (good...but insane).

there is something to be said for vodka.

last weekend i was happy. well, as 'happy' as i can be, anyway. ~rolling my eyes at myself~ jesus christ i am fucked up.

i was at the ocean.

my only real issue was the boys' behavior (off and on)....specifically on saturday. aside from that i was good. had a little tiny bit of happiness goin' on.

today? i am a fucking mess. and fuck it pisses me off.

it surprises me, how sometimes totally out of the blue my emotions get the better of me. i can miss james so intensely it stops me from breathing. it literally makes me feel like i am going to throw up.

this is how i felt for so long after he first died. i couldn't eat. or sleep. well, today...that's how i feel. what really pisses me off is that this is happening to me six fucking months later. i am fucking sick of it.

it still brings me to tears, every time i think about the boys having so much of their lives ahead of them without james. that is just so sad to me. because he had so much to offer them. so much love for them. so much to teach them. and now they won't have any of it. only what comes from me. and seriously. that is downright mother fucking scary.

trying to pull my shit together since i have people arriving here shortly.

but dude. i so did not feel like being betty mother fucking crocker and baking E's birthday cake today. but i did.

the combination of starting therapy this week, being back from a trip...missing james....and other things....having had a lot of fun on that trip....did i mention being back here? in this hell? yeah. i think i did. not a good combo.

i so want to put this all behind me.

and begin something new.

so. fucking. exhausted.

we, as humans, spend too much time worrying, comparing, wondering and just generally being unsatisfied. with ourselves. with our lives. with what we have. or don't have.

a person is so much more than how they appear. it's everything, the entire package. the good. the bad. the whatever it is....it's just everything. i appreciate it all. whatever it is. no judgment. i do not expect or demand change. if you expect or want change, it wasn't right for you in the first place.

it's not whether your house is clean and in perfect order. yes, i have peeps coming to stay with me this weekend....should i clean and be all perfect? or fuck it.

it's not whether you're a slob (as in shit everywhere in your house). who the fuck cares. be who you are. and be down with it.

and if you're not? change it. otherwise, cut yourself some slack and move on. those kinds of things just really don't matter.

we need to appreciate what we have.

who we are.

where we are (in life not as in i should appreciate the hell hole i now reside in). because that's never happening.

i struggle with lack of motivation and lack of direction. especially since james died. i have no focus. my strong burning desire (never-ending, or so i thought) to paint is not as strong. it comes and goes. it's been mostly gone. and that sucks some serious ass. nothing seems to really matter.

that's hard for me. because i'm all about consumption. being consumed. by painting. by...well....everything. the brief times i have felt that since james died? best mother fucking moments.

i'm having a hard time figuring out where i want to go. i don't seem capable of making a clear cut decision. which pisses me off. because i can usually do that. so i'm wondering why i can't do that now.

i think i am afraid of making a mistake. it's not just me. it's me and the boys. i fucking hate being unsure of myself. of having other peeps rely on me. that is some scary shit.

we're back.

been thinking a lot about what is important to me.

while driving (and in the hotels) i listened to matt nathanson, monte montgomery, dave matthews band, audioslave (frickin love the song 'like a stone') and coldplay. all good shit.

i'm just gonna talk about matt nathanson one more time. the dude. his guitar. nothing else. 'at the point' fucking rocks. he has a band too....but at the point is just him. his voice. his guitar. and i fucking love that.

back from our trip.

i always crash when i return from a trip.
this time is no different.

hating life right now.

i literally want to climb into bed, put my iPod on, jam the tunes so loud i can't hear anything else close my eyes and try to sleep.

i have a problem processing things. when i'm doing something, i do it. if it's complicated in any way, or i am low enegy (which i am.....the sleep deprivation thing sucks)..... i don't process any of it until days later. it's like my mind/body records the event and when i think about it....go over it in my mind.....that's when i can appreciate what i have done, and how i now feel after having done it. how i SHOULD have felt WHILE doing it.

when what i am doing is all consuming, intense....i can forget everything and just focus on that moment. those times are the fucking best. the moment takes you away from everything else and to you. to what you are all about. to what you are doing. right then. and that fucking rocks.

the day we left astoria (sunday), the weather was perfect. the boys and i took a final walk on the beach. me in a skirt and short sleeved shirt. it was awesome! the boys gave me a few minutes to just think. they picked up shells, rocks...sticks...you know...did boy stuff. and before we left...well...i just had to write a little something in the sand. so someone would know i was there.

spending tonight in seaside and the weekend in astoria.

been jammin' to tunes.
matt nathanson (at the point). holy crap he rocks. i am fucking in love with his voice. and his guitar playing.
taking walks on the beach.
freezing my ass off.
drinking hot hot coffee.
consuming large amounts of caffeine and candy and not enough real food.
acknowledging the huge hole (i mean really noticing) there is in my life from james not being in it any more. feeling homesick (for james, not for home). home sucks.
not feeling like we've found a place. yet.
though i did really love newport.
i am conflicted. whatever it is i am saying to myself....there are too many other noises and i can't clearly hear what i am saying. what it is that i want. where it is that i want to go.
been kind of sad on this trip. and i'm not sure why.
i really haven't had any time to just sit. and think. and i need that. i need that and about 20,000 hours of sleep.
boys are exhausted. they fell asleep in under 5 minutes tonight. and that never happens.

we are in newport!

little plane ride.
little driving time (well....not a little)...more than a little. a lot.
and we're here!
jamming to tunes while i drive is so therapeutic for me. love love love that.
driving down highway 20 (heading west) and coming down the little hill....that's when you first see the ocean....smelling the air...SO good.
boys in the pool (me in the hot tub).
found somewhere to eat.
boys are getting ready for bed.
tomorrow?
going to the beach.
driving. more. we'll end up where we end up.
the highlight of the trip? the three of us singing (loudly) to matt nathanson's 'come on get higher'. holy crap. my boys know the words to that song!! and...um....it's probably not the best song for them to know! heh. they were rockin' it though. omg it was great. i think i will remember that forever...the three of us singing, rocking out in the car. good stuff.
i would post photos if i could. but my laptop can't read my photocard (and i have yet to figure out why).
more later.

hittin' the road.

the boys and i are taking off tomorrow. taking a little roadtrip up the oregon coast (starting from where we left off in january). nice way to spend E's spring break. i am, of course, taking my laptop. and may check in while on the road. so hoping somewhere we go will feel right. so i can do this.

i think i am doing okay.

last of our SF photos. as E was standing there, taking this photo, two women walked by. they were older. "look at that little girl taking a picture!" yeah. girl? if E knew how to give the finger. he would have. i just laughed. my boys are going to be tough. be able to stand up for themselves. to tell people what they want. know who they are. not be defined by how others see them.

chinatown. omg. the smells? soooo freakin' good. the language....the everything.....i love it there.

one of my hopes (and i'll do pretty much anything to make it happen) is that the boys be life-long friends. they ARE brothers. they have no choice in the matter. i want more for them. i want them to be friends. to look out for each other. to be part of each others' lives. forever. look at E, with his arm around alexander. so love that.

our time at the beach. love the sail boat and the golden gate in the background.

they either love each other. or they are fighting. there is no inbetween. huh. wonder where they get that from.

i think i am doing okay. i look back to 6 months ago (yes, it's been 6 months)...i so wish i could stop marking that passage of time....but i look back to 6 months ago and i am happy to be where i am today, compared to where i was at first. happy to not be at the beginning of my life without james. happy to have some time between when he died and now. is life perfect and i'm all happy happy? hell no. but life today is better than when james first died. when i felt my world completely stop.
now that some time has passed, i know where i stand. and have a better idea of what i need to do and what we are going to do.

couple more photos from san fran.

at the pier. first on the agenda? a pretzel. duh. then of course, ice cream.

i love boats. all kinds of boats. i just love boats. always have.

so stinking cute. caught both boys. with happy faces. so so good.

here mommy. i have a flower for you.

the carousel. just a random shot. like i always take.

E.
people think i am running away (by taking so many roadtrips). i'm not. i just can't sit around. doing nothing. every fucking weekend. the weekend was james' time with the boys. and we just cannot sit around doing nothing. so we go places. it's not about running away. it's about getting out. and living life. trying to re-form our family. trying to keep communication open between me and the boys. because i see E closing off. and that can't happen.