random things you may or may not want to know.

wishing i was here right now. instead of where i am. pic is from thanksgiving at caspar beach (2007). that's alexander in the background.

i love the smell of coffee. fresh roasted. fresh brewed. i just love the smell.

all i want to eat today is dark chocolate kisses, reese's peanut butter cups and caffeine free pepsi. i prefer caffeine free coke but we're all out. i've been craving soda (big time) lately.

i think i am so tired i can't sort things out. as much as i hate to do it, i'm going to go to bed early tonight. it doesn't do me any good to sit and stare at nothing while sitting at my scrap table or at a computer screen. that's not really productive, now is it.

i think denis leary has a sexy body. he's skinny but toned, muscular.

wishing i could figure out why i'm having such a difficult time with everything right now. maybe going to bed early will be good for me. i am always so damn tired. but HATE giving up my free time (which is only after the boys go to bed) to sleep. but i think if i don't do it i may never be able to produce another painting, LO or AJ page. i'm just too tired. my mind is mush.

my long haired boy.

a lot of parents don't like long hair on their kids/won't let them grow it long. me? i don't care. E is who he is and can express himself however he wants (as long as he's not in danger of hurting himself or anyone else and blah blah blah). i dig the long hair. and right now he does too. so it's all good.

why i love starbucks.

pic i took on easter. didn't take many pics at all that day but this is one.

today (3.25.08)was a hard day for alexander.

we had his four year well check appointment.

he got....count them......FIVE shots. omg. O.M.G it was hard to watch. after it was all over i took him to starbucks. of course he's a junkie like me. we went to the drive thru that's right by the pediatrician's office. he asked for hot cocoa. i got a non-fat decaf mocha misto, x-hot, no whip. my mom sent me a starbucks card for easter. i gave it to the dude but he somehow threw it away. so there we were....waiting for what seemed like forever (but in reality was probably 6 minutes), and he's periodically sticking his head out the window to explain....he ended up giving us our drinks for free and reloading a new card for me (he never found the old one). it was all good. a free drink? always a good one. lol.... i like that starbucks always takes care of the customer. i fully 100% appreciate that. i still have some of my mocha misto in the fridge for later. go me!

affirmation

i painted this friday night while everyone was in bed. i like the impressionistic quality to this piece. i've sort of been stuck lately......not scrapping, doing 'some' painting....wanting to work in my art journal but not feeling it. i have a partially complete art journal page on my table right now.....who knows when i'll finish it.

i have no objectivity when it comes to my own work (this goes for scrapping as well as painting). yes...some pieces/pages i love more than others...and those seem to be the ones other peeps like...but that's not always the case. i'm finding it hard to stand alone....to believe that i'm actually good....to believe in myself......that i can do this. i seem to need affirmation. in all honesty i don't think i suck. i like what i create. but....there always seems to be a but....i'm just not sure. for anyone reading this....i'm not saying all of this so you'll tell me i'm good....i'm just working through my doubt....my insecurity....trying to decide if i want to try and do something with my paintings. it's one thing to make an art journal page or a painting for myself. it's quite another to actually take someone's money for your work.

i think part of my recent doubt comes from the fact that until fairly recently i hadn't painted actual 'pieces' since before ethan was born. of course i've done art journal pages...and scrappged pages....but those are different. for some reason i am filled with much more doubt than i was back then. wonder why that is. i look to james for his opinion....and he's been wrapped up in work...being sick....being exhausted....i don't really feel like i'm getting much feedback. and when i told my brother i sold a painting...he was fairly surprised. i was like...dude...i don't suck!!! lol.... maybe it's just hard for him to see me as anything other than his little sister..the stay at home mom...i'm not sure. but it was unsettling! lol... so if i'm going to do this, i really DO have to stand alone, tell myself i am good enough...and do this. just not sure i'm ready.

even my mom gives me the 'it's nice dear' comments (though she rarely sees my stuff). i'm just not sure she 'gets' it. gets MY style. she's never been one to jump up and down and scream over anything....i just think the peeps closest to me would be the ones rooting the most for me....the ones supporting me. it doesn't seem to be that way. i get more from (mostly) people i have never even met IRL and whom are seeing my work over a computer. things can look different in real life. in person. so once again...i have to rely on ME to decide if my stuff is good enough. if i can do this. and if i'm going to do it....HOW i'm going to do it. i get stuck on logistics. seriously. deep inside me....where i am 100% honest with myself.....i think i can do this. i'm afraid to say it out loud. i'm afraid to put myself out there. so i'm thinking.

the scoop.

i think i am socially retarded. i absolutely 100% cannot stand the politics of life. politics in scrapbooking. politics in even the most simple task (like taking and picking up your son from school). i mean seriously. what am i, in high school again? cliques of moms picking up their kids. i don't belong anywhere. and sometimes it makes me sad. so then i withdraw. i'm good at that.

i am afraid to show anyone the real me because often times the real me is frustrated, not positive....basically a real mess. and it seems when i let the real me surface....that's when things get messed up. i find it easier to keep to myself and write here, or work in my art journal than deal with real people. kind of scary actually. i'm not a hermit...not really...just sort of. in person i am extremely shy. like painfully shy. i think people are surprised by that the most when they meet me. they expect me to be mouthy....say exactly what's on my mind. and i do....AFTER i've had a few drinks. otherwise i'm pretty quiet. because really...i just don't think i'm equipped to deal with 'friends'. i get to a certain point with a 'friend' and then it's like i quit knowing how to function. i'm not sure how much 'me' to let my 'friend' see....how much is too much....what will and won't scare the person away. what i should and shouldn't say. seriously. i am socially retarded. and i am ALWAYS editing myself before i speak. and that is making me lose myself even more. if that's possible.

i need more control over my life.

i kind of dig this pic. it's blurry. but i don't care. i think i'll be scrapping it at some point. it kind of has a 'feel' to it and i connect with that. it's like by looking at this pic of myself as an outside observer.....by separating myself and being objective....it helps me to figure things out. if i felt like scrapping at all....or art journaling at all...i'd be all set. but i don't. maybe that's not true. i have been feeling the urge to work in my art journal but the problem is it's always when i can't. it's always when i absolutely can't scrap or be creative. which is the story of my life. i'm pretty damn tired of scrapping only when everyone is asleep. of 'stealing' time to be creative. it sure would be nice just to go scrap WHEN i feel creative. what a concept. i could go steal 15 minutes right now. james has the boys downstairs. but why bother. because in 15 minutes (which is just enough time for me to get all messy and have stuff everywhere)....i'd have to clean up brushes...and myself....and go read story. soon it's beddy-bye time for the boys. and james. who's sick. but by then the creative urge will have passed. so here i sit. not scrapping. not working in my art journal.

back from texas.

one of the things we did in texas (with my MIL, my BIL, his wife, their little boy brian, our nephew matthew, james, me E and alexander was go spelunking. when will asked if we wanted to go spelunking i was like....uh....what? never heard of it. i guess that's what it's called when you go mineral cave exploring. my MIL bought the boys these hard hats. they had lights on them. the caves were dark. very very dark. so here's a cheeze ball pic from our afternoon in the caves.

the trip home was a bit of a nightmare. it took us 16 hours to get home. 16 hours! from 7am to 10:30 pm. we were supposed to go from austin to vegas. change planes in vegas and fly home. but the plane in austin had engine probs so we had to get off. and then we had to wait a few hours for another plane to be flown in. we were about three hours late taking off. that made us miss our connecting flight in vegas. so then we were re-routed to oakland. the only thing they forgot to tell us was that the flight out of oakland to reno was at 9:30 pm. they expected us to wait 7 hours in the airport for that flight. there as no flipping way i was hanging in the airport for 7 hours with my kids. they were exhausted. we tried to get on stand-by for the next available flight out of oakland. they had only ONE seat. i tried to convince my MIL go to. or our nephew matthew (he's 17). they wanted to stay with us. we ended up renting a car and driving the rest of the way home. can you say southwest airline sucks??? i can.

i'm feeling a little on the blah'd side. not sure if it's because i'm tired. i don't feel like scrapping. and i don't really feel like painting. i'm finding it's kind of nice not to be so obsessive about something, at least for a bit.

now i need to go put more laundry in the dryer (but first take the load out that's already in there). i want to get E's jacket washed for school tomorrow.

more painting.

not sure you can really see the texture here, but trust me. it's there. nice, thick paint. love that. i made a cover for one of my art journals last week. it had flowers similar to these. two of them. it was simple yet had impact. it was my art journal cover that inspired me to paint this. this is not painted from a photograph. i just saw in my mind orange flowers in a pitcher and this is how it turned out. the flowers look a little redder than they really are. they have an orange hue to them IRL.

heading off to texas early in the morning for a little family business. back in a few days.

ps. patrice, do you like THESE flowers?

sometimes i paint from a photograph.

i sometimes paint from a photograph. i took this picture about 8 years ago when james and i went to mendocino, california....one of my fave places in the world.

if you look at my last post you will see this painting as a work in progress. it's now done. i thought it would be fun to show you the photograph i painted from and the actual painting. and...uh...keep in mind when you're looking....i'm a fan of impressionism, not realism. i like it to be recognizable yet slightly different if that makes any sense. and a piece like this looks best if looked at from a distance.

a work in progress

started this a couple of days ago. haven't really had the time to work on it much. one of my favorite parts about creating a painting? when you begin and there is absolutely nothing. then all the sudden...the painting just takes shape and you get a sense of what it is going to be. looove that. you're looking at a 'first sitting' of this painting. what i mean is, this is what i got done the very first time i worked on it. hope to finish it this weekend. heh. we'll see. weekends aren't usually filled with kid-free and creative time for me.

art journal page. journaling: moments of clarity. to have purpose. to feel passionate about something. 2.26.08

this original piece was done by henri matisse in 1906. i love matisse and when i saw this...well...once something gets inside my mind, i need to paint it to get it out. so this is my rendition of matisse's 'flowers in pitcher.' and now i can create something else.

i seem to be drawn to painting right now more than scrapping...art journaling more than scrapping. and that's okay. i'm good with that.

did this today.

don't let others define you. do not compare yourself to others. stand alone. believe in yourself. even when you question your artistic abilities. what you are searching for will not be found externally. it must come from within.

this is not my original art idea. it's my original art, but i was inspired by an itty bitty avatar on 2 peas (don't even know whose it was) that looked something like long green stems and flowers. i saw the avatar, liked it (a lot) then went immediately to my table and painted/made this art journal page. so i have no idea what it was exactly i was inspired by. a painting? a photograph? no clue. but thank you whomever you are and whatever it was. sat down and whipped this out. in about 5 minutes. i freaking love it when inspo hits and you can rock it out. part of the pleasure of this page was i didn't care exactly how it turned out. it just happened. without me fretting over any of it. i just did it. that, my friends, is pure.

note: it's not as white as it looks here. i painted off-white paint onto white cardstock but none of the white shows through. so it's red/orange flowers on off-white background. ~sigh~ looks so much better IRL.

this has happened two times now.

one night i woke up. had this dream i was screaming. like a primal scary scream. i wasn't screaming, just dreaming i was. it was weird. that was about 6 weeks ago.

yesterday, in the car with james and the boys (on the way to a birthday party), it happened again. that feeling like i was about to scream. that feeling in my chest like i had something inside that absolutely needed to get out. of course while i'm feeling this way i'm carrying on perfectly normal conversation with james. so weird.

i know what it is. i have a hard time recognizing what i am feeling, reacting to it, verbalizing it and dealing with it. sometimes everything just converges at once and i feel overwhelmed, over loaded. i manage to articulate at least some of what i am feeling. then it goes away. i feel better now that i've done this art journal page. so that's good.

my thoughts on control and boredom.

control
i admit it.
i like to have control of things.
i just do.
but i'm trying to let go. at least a little bit.
it's hard for me. but i'm trying.

boredom
i find myself easily bored.
looking for something exciting to happen in my life.
something fun. to shake up the monotony (sp?) of the everyday.
i so should not complain.
in a second things can change.
i am thankful for what we have, that things are the way they are.
but i really seem to struggle with the boredom thing.
and i'm wondering what i'm going to do with E all summer.
it takes a lot of energy to keep him engaged and the boys not fighting.
it means i will have less time/energy to devote to keeping myself sane and more time/energy devoted to keeping the boys entertained and happy all summer.
just thinking about it makes me tired.
maybe i am selfish. i must be.
i love my kids. but i do think it sometimes boring being a stay att home mom. i'm lucky. but bored too. kind of an odd combination i guess. but it is what it is.

some of this and some of that.

shopping for a new vacuum. our current one is so loud alexander runs and hides. my ears hurt...almost to the point i can't hear for a while after i'm done. it's sad.

i made myself work out today. even though i really really really did not want to. know how i motivated myself? i said, "this is what distinguishes those that really want to lose weight and those that just want to talk about losing weight." and i got my ass on that machine. and it sucked. but i did it. i have been so so so so so so tired the last three days. like falling asleep on my feet tired. even been going to bed earlier than normal. not much, but some. it's a start.

think alexander is getting sick again. poor little muffin. he seems to get hit by every cold that comes within a 100 foot radius.

we'll see how ethan is today. the last two nights he's had to go to bed early for bad behavior. hoping today is better.

making quesadillas for dinner. with guacamole. i'm having fat free tortillas and fat free cheese. yum. yeah....not so much. but i will splurge and have some guacamole (avocadoes, while good for you are not good in the points dept).

it's windy and sucky outside. ick. so glad i put gas in my car yesterday so i'm not out in the wind doing it today.

spent all freaking morning shopping for groceries. many of which are still sitting on the counter. yeah. i should get on that. i've got 20 minutes until alexander gets up at which time we have to go pick up E.

i have a lot to say.

but none of which i will say.
because i'm in a mood. lol.... i'm disgruntled. good damn thing i don't work for the post office.
i will say this:
i feel like eating ice cream. but i won't. i would hate to ruin that 40 minutes of sheer torture on the machine. did i mention i hate exercise?
now i'm going to watch deadliest catch. i dig that show. gotta love netflix.
still waiting for the rest of big love. i dig that show too.

a couple of recent LOs. i think they speak for themselves.

i wish i liked exercise.

but the cold hard truth of the matter? i just don't. i hate it. unless you count me riding E's scooter in the summer while he's on his bike exercise. then i think it's okay. i need to figure out some kind of exercise regime. so today i got on the machine. i stayed on for one minute longer than i said i would. hey. i just told you i hate exercise. but i did it. i did what i said i was going to do. tomorrow i'll stay on for two minutes longer.

i've heard you're supposed to feel great after a workout. um. so not true. i'm still as tired as i was before i started. oh. i see. i'm supposed to exercise for more than 1 day? what the hell.

i jammed out to some tunes on my iPod. helped make it bearable. i won't think about doing it again tomorrow..........until tomorrow. maybe that way i'll actually do it again tomorrow.

i wish little oliver could still go on puppy walks with me. i miss our daily puppy walk. at least during the summer oliver can walk to the mailbox with me, he can hang out in the front yard some and take itty bitty puppy walks. i'm looking forward to that this summer.

playing with my new cam.

i was at a stoplight and the message on the billboard caught my eye: you have enough to worry about.

after i dropped E off at school today i actually drove around looking for cool photo op spots. these are just a couple of what i found.

oh come on. if you were four you'd wear snow boots with your shorts and short sleeved shirt too. wouldn't you.

something about this one....i just like it.

just because.

friedrich nietzsche quote i love:

the individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. if you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. but no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.

just felt like painting and slapping a pic down.