my husband is the best.

when i finish a painting i tape it (masking tape) to my wall. not very sophisticated, i know. but it works for me. every painting i do gets put on the wall. then i look at it. and decide if i like it. so here's a shot of a few that are currently on the right side of the wall in the loft (where i scrap, paint and art journal).

oh, and for the curious? i did email tara whitney and tell her to put my name on the list of those that want to go to thailand. and holy crap. i might really do this??!! yes. but only if i emailed her in time. tara is waiting for emily to get back from italy and then they will start contacting people. here's hoping i'm on 'that' list. now....you see those two pieces of white paper on the left (they look like 4 x 6 pics were printed out on 8 1.2 x 11 paper)??? one is of a boat on the water in thailand. the other is of a hot dude. a thai dude. my husband printed those out and taped them to my wall. and i love him. that's what did it for me, made my mind up (to at least try to do t his). i may never take the pic of the hot thai dude off my wall. heh.

here's why i can't do this.

this morning i sat down with my laptop for a few minutes (to check email, various sites, etc.) and what do i see? em falconbridge and tara whitney are taking a trip to thailand. and they're taking 8 people with them. well.....taking may not be exactly the right word. you have to pay for your airfare to bangkok. and $2,600 for what em and tara call 'find yourself''....a retreat of sorts. dudes. i want to 'find' myself in thailand. with emily falconbridge. and tara whitney too! so i sent james the link.

what does he do?? gets online to check out airfare. turns out it's actually cheaper than one might think. well...cheap?? not so much. but it's actually not as high as i thought it would be.

so james comes home from work tonight. we eat dinner, the boys are in the front yard playing and he grabs me by the hand and takes me into the bedroom. NO. not for that. sheesh. he put something on my pillow and wanted to show it to me. it was a book. about thailand.

i so would love to take this trip. here's why i can't:
james would have to take a week off from work to stay home with the boys.
he would have to use HIS vacation time for ME.
i'm not sure i can leave my boys for a week. never done it before.
the only other time i've left them was to go to CHA last summer. i had a great time. it was good for me, but for a week? actually more. i'd be gone for 10 days.
it would be the most irresponsible thing i could possibly do. me...go on a trip like this....without james and the boys??? just me??? i don't think so. not that i don't like a good adventure. i do. i just can't see spending this much money on just me. now if it were a family vacation? no problem. but james doesn't want to fly 20 hours (or whatever it is) with the boys. he thinks they are still too young to appreciate something like this.
he really truly wants me to go. i'm just not sure i can.
plus, by the time i make up my mind all 8 spots will be gone. maybe that will solve it for me.
it's nice to think about.....it would be a great experience. i just don't think i can spend that much money on something for just me. and ask james to give up that much time off from work so i can go and do something like this. it would be selfish.
and i would miss my boys. E hears us talking about thailand and he's already clinging on for dear life. alexander said he wants me to go (james asked)....E?? not so much. surprisingly enough E was the one who cried while i was in chicago last summer. he was the one that really missed me. alexander missed me too, i know he did, but it was E that surprised me with his reaction.

now....can i really NOT do this? or am i talking myself out of something great because of fears and worry that can be overcome. so.....thailand.......something to think about.

it's raining!

just added this painting to my etsy shop along with one other one. if you want to take a look click here.

it is raining and cold today and i love it. it doesn't rain much here. it will be over in about ten minutes but i'll enjoy it while it's here.

had a really nice weekend. james spent a lot of time with the boys. i painted two pieces (one of which you see here). then saturday afternoon james and i went to see indy (left the boys with his mom). then yesterday afternoon james and i went to another movie!!! two movies in three days???!!! we haven't been to two movies in the last four years!! i left my kids twice in one weekend!!!!!!! that's big people. lol... james and i don't go out much without the boys. pretty much all our time is spent with them. so it was nice (especially since it was our anniversary).

while we didn't take our annual trip to mendo for our anniversary this year, we still had a great time just being together. yes, i missed the smell of the ocean, the briskness of a fort bragg morning, and walking on the beach, watching the boys play in the sand, but we did have a nice time just hanging out at home as a family. and we will, at some point, take a quick weekend getaway. it just didn't happen to be on our anniversary this time.

so far today i have swept the entire downstairs, vacuumed downstairs. cleaned the downstairs toilets, unloaded the dishwasher, taken E to school, started laundry and added two pieces to my shop. now i'm off to check on alexander and drink a cup of something hot!

a stroll down memory lane.

may 26, 1991. the day james and i got married. 17...let me say that again....SEVENTEEN years ago!!!! like holy crap. 17 years ago??? i must have been a young bride. ;)

first smooch as a married couple.

and yes. i set foot in a church and didn't spontaneously decombust.

cake anyone? heeheehee....

and before you go gettin' all...WTH?? white cake??? NO. it was just white frosting. believe me. my wedding cake was chocolate. damn straight.

part of our honeymoon was a cruise to mexico. this was in the main dining room and i have absolutely no idea who took this photo. but i'm glad we have it.

i should scrap our wedding. i haven't scrapped one single wedding photo. not one. some day i will. for now i'm content to just remember. remember our day. i would also like to take this opportunity to address a quesion my father posed to james and i before we got married. my dad thought we shouldn't have a wedding. he offered to buy us a washer and dryer, and give us $5,000 in cash to skip the wedding. now, 17 years later....i can answer whole-heartedly that i am glad we didn't even consider his offer. i am glad we had a wedding, and have all these photographs to help us remember. as for the washer and dryer??? i'm on my second washer and third dryer. they can be replaced. beautiful memories cannot.

so james, happy anniversary to you. i love you with all my heart. after all these years together i can honestly say i still love spending time with you. you make me laugh and you make me smile. you are a good man. you are generous and give of yourself freely. you are a good father to our children. it is important to remember us....as a couple....before the kids. it is important to celebrate us....and the day we got married. happy anniversary.

added two new paintings to my shop!

added this one to my shop just a couple of minutes ago. it's heavy body acrylic on medium texture canvas and is 12 x 16 in size. i added another one yesterday. if you want to see it click here.

i am finally starting to feel better (though still having trouble sleeping). alexander is still coughing and stuffy but seems to be on the road to recovery.

longing for a huge chunk of time to do nothing but create. maybe sleep a little, listen to some music...but wow. uninterrupted time to create? what a rare commodity!

received an email from my father today. wants to meet me for lunch on the 30th. i laughed out loud. just responded. needless to say i am not going. seriously?? he thinks i'm going to do that again???! so not happening.

one of my favorite things???? it's raining!!!!!!!!!!! in nevada. yeah. that's big people. it smells soooooo good right now! it's freaking cold but the big window in the living room is open wide so i can enjoy the smell. it won't last long. soon we'll be back to just icky cold and no delightful rain smell. yesterday it was 94 freaking degrees. today...rain! tomorrow?? 60 and cloudy!

off to put little ones to bed.

oh my freaking god!

i am completely honored and thrilled to have my paintings/etsy shop mentioned by linda woods on (the REV it up list) blog! go here to check it: http://revituplist.typepad.com/

there is a link on the right side of my blog that will take you to my etsy if you want to check out my shop. i'm working on three new pieces that will be added soon.

pics from the weekend.

may 9-11 was the reno riverfest. reno has a white water kayak course (pretty much it runs right through the middle of downtown) and this weekend james and i went down to the river and took a couple of white water clinics. james likes to give me a lot of crap. so i gave him the finger. nicely, of course! lol.....

gearin' up. sure have to put a lot of crap on to get into cold rushing water. wet suit, booties, helmet (wouldn't wanna crack your head on a rock now wouldya), pfd, dry shirt, etc.!

my man. my main squeeze. he's the handomest. i so dig the hippy hair.

all in all it was a fun weekend. mother's day morning we took the boys down to the river and let 'em run wild for a while. then we got them some hot cocoa (because that water is friggin' cold) and took them to james' mom's house and came back for our clinic. i didn't take my camera. these three pics were taken with james' blackberry. not bad for a phone cam. after our two hour clinic we went back to james' mom's house for a little bbq. the boys were content playing in grandma's backyard. and boy were they wiped out when we got home (which was nice).

my reality check.

this is one of the bouquets of flowers i had waiting for my mom when she arrived (what was it....three weeks or so ago)? after she left i moved the arrangements downstairs and they lasted for another week. it was nice.

three quakes last night (not huge, but enough to wake us up, shake the house and scare the crap out of the dogs). luckily the boys went right back to sleep. but....it was one more night where my sleep was not peaceful. where i kept expecting to have to jump out of bed at any moment to get the boys and dogs. woke up feeling 100% completely exhausted. so did james. i mean like break down in tears for no good reason kind of exhausted. i'm really tired of feeling this way.

was supposed to meet my dad for lunch today. we agreed on 11:30. ran to costco (and hurry, hurry hurried) so we would be on time. 20 minutes after my dad was supposed to arrive i called him on his cell. he said he was 'running errands', and was completely on the other side of town (so about 30 minutes away). we waited. and waited. finally i ordered lunch for us (poor alexander had already been at the restaurant for 45 minutes). i finally called my dad back and told him we were leaving. we waited for one hour. and i will never do that again.

my dad and i don't have a great relationship. we see each other occasionally. i send him a card on his birthday and father's day, we email occasionally and we call it good. it is what it is. i have tried and tried to figure out a way to make things better. but have finally come to the realization that they just never will be better. he is who he is and i can't change that. we will never have what i consider a normal father/daughter relationship. that makes me sad, but it also frees me from spending so much energy being angry and hurt. i've just come to understand.....it is what it is.

my reality check is this. i sometimes try to imagine how i will feel when i find out that my dad has died. morbid, huh? i can probably never prepare myself for that news...but i do try to imagine how i will feel and what i will have wished i tried harder to do, to fix. i just think there comes a time when you have to let go. and i'm wondering if this is that time.

the thing that gets me the most is that alexander was expecting to have lunch with the grandpa. and that didn't happen. lesson learned i guess.

i will never understand what goes on inside his head. why he does what he does, acts the way he acts. he barely knows me. i mean, he knows me when i was itty bitty. but he doesn't know me as an adult. and he never will. he checked out when i was in the 6th grade. i have from time to time wondered how in the hell i came to be from the parents that i have. i just don't seem like either one of them. then i think wait a minute. i am more like my dad than i think. he doesn't seem able to function on certain emotional levels. and i often feel like i am socially retarded...don't do well in big crowds...suck at small talk....i'm basically a loner. which is scary. that i am so much like my dad. becasue if my relationship with my boys is anything like the relationship i have with my dad, or the relationship my dad has with my brother....just kill me now. i never want that for my boys.

and now i've gotten this out. i can move on. get over it. be done with it. at least for now.

off to work out.

couple of new paintings.

i recently opened an etsy shop. these two paintings have just been added to the shop. if you want to check it out, go here:
http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5836515

STILL nauseous and dizzy.

purposely staying up late tonight. hoping that if i do i'll sleep through the night. we are all so exhausted. we've had earthquakes (big enough to shake the house) every night for the last four nights. like 2-3 a night. we NEED a break. we NEED sleep. so...my thinking is, if i'm tired enough...maybe i'll sleep through a smallish quake. or better yet, there won't be ANY quakes tonight! wouldn't that be nice! between the 60mph winds today, and the last quake only an hour ago?? seriously. enough already!

did this page today. just wanted to paint. trying to find my creative center again. just enjoying the process of creating, of letting some emotion onto the page.

and now i'm going to watch a movie.

i struggle with believing i am important. i know i am. that i am smart...and i'm going to say it here...for the first time ever...that i am an artist....BUT...being a sahm, i often feel that my days just don't matter, that what i do doesn't matter. yes, i take care of two children. but it often feels like i make no contribution to the world. sounds hokey. totally. but it is what it is. i am trying to place value on myself and trying really hard to be okay with placing value on myself. it's really hard for me to do.

this is the first page i have done in two months. it's pretty simple (which isn't necessarily a bad thing). i wanted the vibrant color of the cardstock, the yellow painted masking tape frame and inked up vibrant blue and brown pic to be the focal point. that and the emotion captured in the pic (and the words). i think me feeling unimportant is why it is SO important for me to do something with my art.

i'm a piece of art.

little drawing E made for me a few months ago. i just came across it. i think it's pretty cute.

trying hard not to barf. more quakes today. news conference yesterday suggested reno residents prepare for a big quake. hmmmm. feeling secure? not so much. poor oliver is going nuts. he won't leave my side (which i like)...but i feel bad for the scared pooch.

forced myself to work out today even though my energy level was next to zero. finally finding my way back to the workout routine (even though each day i have to FORCE myself to do it). today was the first time since before we went to austin that i didn't feel like i was gonna die.

going to janet and dan's tomorrow night for mexican night. margarits, i am sure, will be the highlight. how do i know this? we're bringing the tequila. that's how. i'm also baking brownies (and taking vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup for brownie sundaes) and i'm taking oatmeal butterscotch chip cookies. two very simple things but still hopefully delish.

i think yard work is in my future (for tomorrow). SUCK. i hate yard work.

have had next to no sleep. it's one thing or another. poor james...he's had even less. this work schedule thing is kicking his ass. he went in at 5am today and he's still there.

maybe going to force myself to scrap. to get over this lack of creativity thing. we'll see.

now it's time to wash two very dirty little boys.

last week kicked my ass.

last week?

oliver to the vet (which scared the crap out of him. i have the only dog who doesn't like a puppy ride). still don't know what's wrong with him.

the mess with my brother and his wife. seriously. makes my head spin.

E waking up in such pain. crying for 45 minutes. to the doctor the next morning. rushing around like a crazy person from dr. to pharmacy to school.

baking cookies for E to take to school.

baking a lopsided cake.

and then there was the other thing. the thing that made me scared, and sad, and many other things all at the same time. still not over that.....just being thankful for things the way they are....because right now it's all i can handle.

getting the house ready and all the right presents for E's bday.

still absolutely nothing making me feel creative. i WANT to scrap, paint, art journal, just sit there stupidly doing nothing because nothing seems to inspire me right now. so irritating.

whirlwind weekend. which was actually nice. so nice to spend time with MY family for a change. my mom sent me these flowers. she knew i didn't have a good week. wasn't that nice? it was just such a surprise.

i have been going to bed earlier and earlier every night. pretty soon i'll be going to bed right after the boys. makes for a less tired momma....maybe???but not really, i still feel absolutely freaking whiped out. like holy shit i am tired kind of wiped out. and also cranky because i feel so uncreative. what the F is up with that anyway?!!

i'm laughing to myself too. i was watching the housewives of new york city yesterday while james had the boys in the living room. he was like, WHAT are you watching?! he was disgusted. lol....too funny.

waiting for the washing machine dude to show up. more than likely he will show up when i leave (for 1/2 an hour) to get E from school. seriously. what do you want to bet that that's the way it goes down.

bday recap.

6:10 frickin am is what time these boys woke up! this is sawyer, kyler, E and riley. sawyer, riley and kyler are my bro's kids.

havin' fun at the bowling alley!


james and alexander watching his ball roll down the lane after james helped him. SO stinking cute!

the bday boy himself blowing out his THREE candles on his LOPSIDED cake with sawyer peeking his head in. thought i had 7 candles. guess not. oops. as for the lopsided cake? i love it. it is SO classic. this is a chocolate chocolate chip chocolate whipcream cake. i made it in a hurry. first layer should set before you put the second and third layers on. oops. heh. god how i love my kid. look at all this chocolate.

april 20, 2001

april 20, 2001. these are just a few of the things i remember from the day this amazing boy was born.

it snowed. in april. like a lot. i remember looking out the window of my hospital room and watching the big giant flakes fall out of the sky.

39 hours of labor. no epidural.

switching from the bed to the rocking chair. then back to the bed. then back to the rocking chair. always with james right there putting ice in my mouth. i didn't even have to ask. just opened my mouth. my mouth had to be numb so i could focus on that and not the pain of the contractions.

watching james catch a catnap at 5am. he was exhausted. i went into the hospital at 9:00am on a wednesday morning. E was born two days later (on friday at ten minutes to midnight).

the first time E nursed. it was for exactly 8 minutes. why do i know that? my mind....i'm good with numbers....there was a clock on the wall across from me. i still remember it vividly. i had no idea what i was doing. but we did it.

the nurses changing shifts (again) and my original nurse being very surprised i was still there with a baby on the inside instead of the outside.

taking a bath at 1am on wednesday night in the birthing center. the contractions were so strong and the hot water felt soooo good. i stayed in the tub for two hours. it was a slice of heaven.

walking the hallways with james.

holding my yet unnamed baby in my arms. just looking at him.

ethan thomas reed being given his name only minutes before we left the hospital.

happy birthday E. i all kinds of love you.

~sigh~

definitely matisse inspired with a little baroque thrown in for good measure. did a painting similar to this one a month or so ago. trying to decide what i want to do with my art.

quick to lose my temper today. being mindful of that.

did NOT sleep well last night.

perhaps time to re-prioritize things?

needing to be able to create something with ease instead of struggling through it. the struggling part is because i am so tired. my mind really is like mush.

E is sick. fell asleep at school yesterday.

alexander is now sick.

hoping they are both better by next weekend. my mom is coming, and christine and the boys. looking forward to spending some time with MY family. it does not happen often. my mom does her best to come down three times a year, but they are always short short trips. she will be here for two days. better than nothing.

does YOUR butt smell like lemons?

is eating candy/chocolate for breakfast, lunch and dinner wrong? okay, i didn't really have any for breakfast but for lunch and dinner? yeah. i did.

plan to scrap this pic at some point. IF i ever feel creative again. i'm beginning to wonder if i ever will. i sit feeling nothing. no inspiration whatsoever inside me. ~sigh~ need a weekend at the beach. alcohol. sleep. scrapping/art journaling. no kids. no hubby. i love you dear, and boys...but seriously. i can't produce anything worth a crap right now!

according to alexander my butt smells like lemons. don't even ask. well, okay...this might require a bit of explanation. he's about butt-high....likes to hug me. must be the laundry detergent. or maybe the kid's just weird.

boys are in the bath right now. james is still at work. time to go wash hair and be mommy again. my stolen 5 minutes are over!

humpf. well that was a challenge if ever i've heard one!

so here ya go.

1. Where is your cell phone? bag.
2. Your significant other? james.
3. Your hair? short.
4. Your mother? crazy.
5. Your father? heh.
6. Your favorite thing? happiness.
7. Your dream last night? that i cut james' hair. and he was pissed!
8. Your favorite drink? water.
9. Your dream/goal? happiness, health and peace.
10. The room you’re in? family room.
11. Your ex? none!
12. Your fear? james dying. my kids dying.
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? living on the coast. painting. selling some art.
14. Where were you last night? at home enjoying margaritas and pot stickers.
15. What you’re not? good in big crowds of peeps.
16. Muffins? yum.
17. One of your wish list items? to travel. extensively. thailand. london. paris. mexico. pureto rico. caribbean. china. and many more.
18. Where you grew up? california.
19. The last thing you did? painted the baseboards in E's room. i'm waiting for it to dry so i can take the tape off and move 1/2 of his bedroom back to normal.
20. What are you wearing? painting clothes. i'm scary.
21. Your TV? late at night when everyone else is asleep.
22. Your pets? callie and oliver. best dogs ever! (except for brin. he was a great dog too)
23. Your computer? laptop.
24. Your life? complicated.
25. Your mood? even-keeled.
26. Missing someone? definitely.
27. Your car? Ford Explorer. love that it seats 7.
28. Something you’re not wearing? socks. or underwear. well.....you asked!
29 Favorite Store? depends on what i want to buy.
30. Your summer? Hot and long.
31. Like someone? Yes.
32. Your favorite color? all of them.
33. When is the last time you laughed? a few minutes ago.
34. Last time you cried? yesterday.
35. Who will/would re-post this? rachael? jen??

and yes, i know, they were supposed to be one-word answers. some were. best i could do!

it's a love hate thang.

expectations.
been thinking a lot about them lately.
love this color blue. love mixing colors to get one just how i want it.
love getting messy.
love that this page took 5 minutes.
because i had no expectations. i just sat and did it. not caring what the end result would be. that's how it should always be.


on to another subject. here is part of my laundry room. you get the general idea. mixed berry (lilac-y/purple) with red shelves. it's kind of retro. and i dig it. the painting is done. things are placed neatly back where they belong. unused items are gone. the room is done. which is nice. if i decide i don't like it later.....i'll paint it again. this is the first room you come into when entering the house from the garage. i'm considering painting the door red. it's currently white. i guess i like bold statements. but i think it might just give the room the extra boost i'm looking for. i would bet you won't find many purple and red laundry rooms. and i like that. so, it's a love/hate thing. you'll either love it....or hate it!

my fave shoes.

this is me, standing in my kitchen, photographing my shoes. yes, i photographed my shoes! these are my favorite pair. black, sleek, with some stitching...pointy....does it get any better? now, on to something else and perhaps more interesting.

i don't submit regularly or often but sometimes i do. so it was a fun mail day today when i received my copies of scrapbook trends embellish idea book and goodie box. if you received the book (or bought it), check it. alexander is on page 133.