this is a trip!

i don't have many photographs from my childhood.
i have two.
and this is one of them.
i know i have said this before.
i feel things SO fucking strongly.
everything.
when i feel joy, it's unbelievably amazing.
when i feel sadness....it's unbelievably overwhelming.
some days the rush of up and down is so volatile it makes my head spin.
today has just been one of those incredibly high/low days.
up...then down. then up...then down.
it's at the end of the day.
when the boys are in bed.
that the crash comes pounding down on me.
it's almost like a huge ass wave.
that's the best way i can describe it.
that's why i think therapist dude might need to reevaluate his diagnosis.
i'm thinking he's missed something.
because this doesn't feel normal.
maybe it's grief...being on with the boys 24/7...i don't know..
maybe it's me being absolutely fucking exhausted.
i don't know a single person who feels things like i do.
as intensely as i do.
the high highs. fucking low lows. no middle ground.
someone's single act of kindness can bring me to tears.
i can go through james' things....and do it methodically...not feeling anything....
until later.
then i do.
when i think i'm handling it....doing shit....
a few days later..a week even...it comes back and fucks with me.
james' mom now knows the boys and i are leaving.
moving.
i wasn't going to tell her until i knew for sure where we are going.
and what, exactly, i am doing.
but she has heard bits and pieces (from he boys when she sees them)....
and i made the mistake of telling her i am going through everything in the garage....
and she flat out asked me.
so i told her.
i have to say that james dying has been isolating.
i tend to be isolated anyway.....just my personality...
i know many people.
but have very few real 'friends'.
but the ones i have, i have for life.
but the isolation thing....
sometimes that's how i want it.
sometimes it's not.
today was just like...fucking....wow.
and i fucking want to know when my new yoga dvd's will get here.
that is pissing me off.
amazon has never been so fucking slow!
had bunko here tonight.
12 chicks.
some serious loudness.
it was fun.
yet sad too....
some of the girls talking about their husbands.
my life is just so different now.
and i am truly really fucking tired of the roller coaster.
seriously.
i just want to be mellow.
and chill.
and fucking get on with it.
so i'm wondering, that if i want that so bad...
why can't i just fucking make it happen.

not only am i gonna flip the fucker off, i just might punch him too.

i love boats.
like absolutely love love love them. am fascinated by them. all different kinds.
this is one i found during my last trip to astoria.
some day i will paint this boat.
you know, when i paint again.
some day.
i hate shopping.
i would rather do anything than run around all fucking day shopping.
had my appointment with therapist dude today.
i asked him how i get the images of james on life support and actually dying out of my brain. those images keep replaying themselves inside my head. and i'd like it to stop. his answer: i can't. those memories are a part of james, just like all the good memories. uh....not the answer i was looking for. he says i need to bombard myself with positive images of james. that that will help keep the horrific memories from coming so often.

we then talked about how one day, when the boys are older, i will have to explain to them that i was the one who decided to have their father taken off the ventilator. and why and how i came to that decision. not a conversation i'm looking forward to. but the boys deserve to know the whole story of their father. when they are older.

the night before last i was reading story to the boys in alexander's room. we were all piled on alexander's bed when ethan asked me where daddy is. as in, where is his body. ethan thinks james is now a pile of bones. he wanted to know if daddy was buried. i had a service for james (and the boys were there). at the time it didn't occur to me that they would ever wonder where his body was. so we had the discussion of if a person doesn't want to be buried, they can be cremated. then i had to explain the process of cremation (at least so they would understand and begin to grasp the concept...i did not go into full details). i did not tell them where james' ashes are. but of course, alexander asked. i told him they are somewhere safe. i didn't tell alexander where they are because i didn't want him to be scared or spooked, or feel strange....james' ashes are, in fact, in this house.....at some point we will go together (the boys and i), and spread james' ashes in the right place. so i had to explain to the boys that sprinkling the ashes of their father will be a sign of respect, it will be a part of the full cycle of life. we will be returning their father to earth. to nature. with this ceremony/process will come closure. and dudes. that is a lot of shit to explain to an almost 6 year old and an 8 year old.

therapist dude then decided it would be good for us to discuss my apparent guilt over my decision to have james taken off life support. he was pushing me today. and i was getting pissed. pissed because 1) i hate to cry. and he was making me cry. and 2) well....he was just pissing me off. he says he knows he is on target with me when he sees that fiery/don't fuck with me/you're pissing me off look in my eye. he was so there today.

i know i have healed some. but, apparently, am still raw when it comes to this particular topic. i know it was the right thing to do. when blood clots go to your brain, and leave you paralyzed, and your brain bleeds...bad things happen. your brain stops knowing what to do and how to do it. you are no longer eligible for a heart transplant. when your heart, which was only functioning at 10%...can't take the additional stress on your body and pretty much quits working....there really was no other choice. james would not have wanted to live like that. he couldn't have survived. i know all these facts. but even so, it's a big deal. and something i will always question myself about. i know deep in my heart it was the right thing to do. i knew, when making the decision, that some day i would have to explain all of this to the boys. knowing that i was still able to come to the decision that i did.

i just left alexander's room. he was crying. crying because he misses james. misses his daddy. i was in bed with him, cuddling him, holding him, talking to him....telling him it's okay to be sad. okay to cry. he is so very sad because he knows he will never see his daddy again. i told him yes, daddy is physically gone. and it's not the same...but....he is still a part of our lives. i told alexander i will help him remember the things about james that he needs to know. that we will find a way to be happy again. and will do it all the while remembering james, making him a part of the boys' lives as much as i can....all the while i find a way to go on and be happy too. it seems impossible to me. but i know it's not. it IS what is going to happen.

so yeah. good luck to myself on the yoga thing tonight. so fucken not happening. lol... i think it will be next to imossible for me to quiet my mind tonight. but i will try.

oh, ethan lost is first tooth today too. omg. please please please don't let me forget to take the tooth and put money under his pillow tonight. because that would suck. he was so excited he could hardly stand it.

stream of consciousness.

impression, sunrise.
monet of course.
painted in 1873 when monet
was in le havre.
i loved art history in college.
one of my fave pieces of his.
my newest obsession (holy crap like i need another one)....lemonade.
since the boys and i got sick it's the only thing i can drink.
i feel like i've been throwing our life away.
i have gotten rid of so much shit.
going through everything from the attic and the garage.
almost done.
the single car side of my garage is now stacked with boxes and bins that are ready to go.
ready to be moved.
getting rid of the big-ass desk upstairs in the loft.
when i move i am downsizing.
i'm preparing for that.
getting back into yoga.
morning yoga. and yoga before i go to bed at night.
trying to focus myself.
it's actually pretty fucking hard.
got the results back from the crap i had cut out of my face.
it was not cancer.
i knew it wouldn't be.
going back in on the 14th for a little reconstruction.
therapist dude thinks part of the reason i want to move is related to james.
uh...fucken duh.
lol...actually i'm not sure about that.
one of the first coherent thoughts i had not long after james died was the fact i no longer had to live here.
i was free to move.
it was sort of shocking to realize.
sucky way for it to happen...but yeah..whatever.
i hate it here. and always have.
i'm not expecting my life to change completely after i move.
i'm not thinking i will all the sudden become completely and totally happy.
but it will be a start.
i feel like i'm waiting to start over.
start something new.
and can't do it here.
don't want to do it here.
moving will be isolating.
that's the only bad part about it.
but i'm already isolated.
kicking some ass with my iPhone.
figuring out how to do shit. that rocks.
still haven't painted.
wish the feeling would just be so strong that i couldn't stop it...and i would HAVE to paint.
but, uh.... yeah. that's not happening.
not yet anyway.
still listening to music non-stop.
and breaking up fights between the boys.
holy crap when is summer over.
oh. did i say that out loud?
i mean, i love my children.
i'm enjoying every second of summer.
omg. anyone who know me knows how funny that is.
next month is my trip away for the weekend without the boys.
maybe i'll make a fucking decision about something.
that's a novel idea.
in any event...i'm looking forward to the time away.
to just be me.
and not a mom.
i'm sure i won't fucking know what to do with myself.
have made some calls to superintendent's offices at a few schools in places we might go.
to get info.
taking small steps.
next on the agenda, putting the house on the market.
well, you know...AFTER i figure out where to go.
i AM fucking doing this.

ps: eva, if you read this, i want you to how much i appreciate you. i have lost your email address. email me. dawnay@gmail.com

the tv is on but there is no volume.

for the last few months i have been walking around not really giving a crap.
and it shows.
i have found myself not smiling at the person at the target checkout counter.
and i used to.
always.
my overall demeanor/temperament has changed.
i'm not sure if it's spending time with therapist dude.
or me just figuring shit out.
or nothing at all.
maybe i have been angry.
no. i know i have been angry.
but i thought it wasn't so much at the forefront.
but there have been small changes in my outlook.
my flip attitude has taken over. completely.
my friendly demeanor has become less-friendly.
this is the last thing i want to show/teach the boys.
this is not who i am.
i keep saying fuck, get over it. deal with it. it happened. now get on with it.
and i thought i was dealing with it.
maybe i have been.
in teeny tiny chunks.
i feel like when james died, some of my gentleness was ripped away.
some of my care and compassion. my ability to understand....feel empathy.
it made me harder.
less open to the world.
less open to kindness, to being kind.
i've been sad...and helping the boys deal with their sadness and grief. and anger.
part of my problem is how deeply i feel everything.
including sadness. and anger.
it literally can take my breath away.
i need to get back to my core.
i will never be the same.
but i also don't need to become someone i don't recognize or want to be.
i am still in control of how i handle this and what i do from here forward.
what comes around goes around.
i believe in positive thinking/energy.
i need to be able to bring about a sense of peace for myself.
and for the boys.
i will focus on how to change my situation. our situation.
am i all the sudden going to morph back into the person i used to be?
hell no.
i'll still be angry more than i should be.
but i am aware of it.
and can take small steps to change it.
took off alexander's training wheels today.
i taught him how to ride with two wheels.
and two wheels only.
he was so happy.
so proud of himself.
it was adorable.
and sad.
but i tried not to focus on the part where james wasn't there to see it.
hoping to be back to 100% tomorrow.
haven't puked all day. yay.
3 days of not eating.
here's to gettin on the scale in the morning.
and that totally made me laugh out loud.

kind of a long post.

james was 28 when he was diagnosed with dilated cardiomyopathy/congestive heart failure.
he was sick for 10 years.
i will forever be grateful he was in my life.
he was THE best man i have ever met.
i don't know what other words to use to describe him.
he was just it for me.
i thought we would be together forever.
we have been through a lot together.
while there was much good in our lives, there was also much stress and worry during the 10 years he was sick.
i have a lot of healing to do.
i know for sure i have to get out of here.
i feel stuck. i don't belong here.
to change that, i need to take the next step.
and actually move.
therapist dude and i had a chat about expectations and labels.
he now knows some of the things i have done since james died.
and surprisingly enough, he was down with much of what i have done.
doesn't think i should feel guilty.
i thought i didn't feel guilty.
but apparently i 'think' i should...and have been spending time wondering why i don't.
therapist dude was specifically trying to diagnose (or not diagnose) me at our last session.
out of 7 areas, only two are of concern to him.
which is pretty good.
considering my frame of mind on a daily basis. ha.
the last three days have been strange.
first E got sick.
then alexander.
then me.
we had to cancel our plans for the 4th.
which is a fucking bummer.
it's been isolating.
barely being able to get out of bed yet still taking care of your sick kids can do that to ya.
not wanting to move...but having to clean up puke...while puking at the same time yourself.
so not fun.
james was the only person i could rely on.
now i have no one i can rely on (the way i could james).
yet i have people relying on me (the boys).
listening to dave matthews.
and coldplay.
the tv on in the background with no volume.
i know that somehow i will figure all this shit out.
and will do it with very little guidance or support.
actually the guidance i get now comes from therapist dude.
and the support i get comes from jan.
having trouble sleeping tonight.
tomorrow i'm hoping to feel well enough to leave the house.
the boys need not to be home-bound.
hopefully we will all be well tomorrow.
i have thought about making my blog private.
because it really is just for me.
to leave my thoughts.
to help sort through them.
it is not a place i wish to be judged.
by a person who doesn't leave their name....but posts anonymously.
by a person who doesn't know the full story behind some of the things i write.
james and i were self-sufficient.
he was my family.
he was the person who cared for me.
loved me.
made things better.
he supported me through it all.
i did the same for him.
we just went together.
belonged together.
and now i don't have that.
and i'm trying to readjust.
so for anyone reading what i write, and judging me...i shake my head.
have you been in my shoes?
if you had you would not be judging me.
going to try and sleep.
with my iPod jammin some tunes into my mind.

things that are important to me.

my boys.

making a life for us somewhere else.

painting.

understanding and realizing i'm being negative (before it comes to fruition). shutting that shit down.

talking to the boys with love and understanding (even when i don't think i can).

taking those moments and turning them into something good.

if i don't show/teach them what is right and wrong, who the fuck will.

i sometimes forget you have to teach even the smallest of things. things you don't think you need to...you really do.

letting go of my anger toward james' family.

not sure i can do it. but i need to.

being able to sleep again.

being excited about life again.

i miss that.

looking forward to a time when i'm not so up and down.

wanting to get on with my life...yet not being fully able to do so.

watched dan with the boys tonight.

it was nice. made me smile.

he is a good man.

day two of no chocolate and no coke.

yeah...uh...i'm rethinking that.

i really really like coke. and chocolate.

things i have been thinking about.

i need a cool ride like this.

tattoos.

i want a chocolate chocolate chip frap but...uh...

yeah....i decided to give up chocolate.

AND coke. wtf am i thinking?!

i am sure i will come to my senses tomorrow.

i hate days when the temp is over 75 degrees.

even 75 is pushing it. i'm good at 70.

i like rain.

the question is, how much rain is too much.

how hard it's been to do the yoga/breathing stuff therapist dude asked me to do every night.

i seem to have trouble focusing.

there's a surprise.

the upcoming week.......

and another road trip this weekend.

we've been on the road the last couple days.

i just spent the last 30 minutes rocking alexander back and forth.
alexander was......he was....broken.
sadness and anger poured out of him.
he cried.
i cried.
he kept saying over and over, 'i miss my daddy. i miss my daddy. why did the virus attack daddy's heart. i miss him. i don't see him anymore.'
it is more than i can stand.
more than any little boy should have to go through.
my entire body is shaking.
i am cold.
and sick to my stomach.
what is fair about this?!
now, in this second, i am angry.
not at james.
at the fact my boys do not have james.
this has been the hardest part for me.
not being able to take away their pain.
their sadness.
i cannot make this better for them.
and fuck i wish i could.
yes...tomorrow is another day.
i can show them life goes on.
that we can live a good, happy life.
but honestly, my heart is not in it.
i am just going through the motions.
hoping that that will be enough until i can fully mean it.
now i'm gettin my shit together.
time to put the boys to bed.

6 advil and 4 tylenol pm.

my eyes hurt bad.
they burn.
from being tired and a not so great last two days.
saw therapist dude today.
his first question to me, "have you picked up a brush?"
uh....no.
want to. just can't make myself do it. don't know why.
came to a realization yesterday.
as much as jan has done for me, as much as our friendship has grown, there is a point.
a point where her primary family comes first. and my boys come second.
the logical and analytical side of me is down with that. understands that that's how it is.
the emotional side of me (which i try to avoid and detest) is a bit hurt. rightly or wrongly. it is what it is.
it made me realize that me and me alone is wholly responsible for the boys.
and that pretty much fucken scares me.
as much as i hate it (and i fucking do)....for me to take a trip by myself, i will need to rely on someone else. to care for my children.
guess it's a matter of how important a weekend away is to me.
how badly do i fucken want to figure out where i want to live.
been relying too heavily on jan (and dan and rachael).
dialed it down.
this half-ass walkin around in a fucken daze shit is killin me.
when i paint i am messy.
like, scary kind of messy.
and i am down with it.
haven't painted with oil in so long.
haven't painted anything in so long.
the james dying thing...it's pretty much shaken me to my core.
therapist dude wants me to try some special brething techniques (yoga style) tonight before i go to bed.
maybe that, the 6 advil i just took and the 4 tylemol pm will be enough for me to sleep.

lkdkfjdkdkfjfj

alexander at mackerricher. may 2009.
he looks so grown up.
a glimpse of the kid he will become.

i do not like relying on other people.

packing up what i'm gonna move.

getting rid of what i can't take.

which mostly means james' things.

it's a harsh process.

taking a little trip by myself.

boys will stay with dan and jan.

working out the details.

going back to a place i've already been to.

to fucking see if i can figure out if it's where i want to be.

used to be able to trust my judgment.

now i second guess myself. constantly. wtf.

so much of me used to be james.

all that i felt for him. that i still feel for him. but now it has nowhere to go.

i'm afraid at some point i will want someone in my life.

i have strong feelings...about everything...all the time (and that is no fucking shit)....and at some point....i'm afraid i won't be able to stop it.

and that's gonna suck.

because i don't want it.

but i am afraid i will.

and i won't be able to stop it.

psycho-therapy much?

i don't want it because when i do things...i just fucken jump in.

and i don't want to be that connected to another human. ever again.

need to decide where to live.

forward fucken motion man.

fucken gotta have it.

eoeoaslfeoeo

i'm not good at waiting.

and i never will be.

i haven't been to starbucks in 3 weeks.

can't stop listening to dave matthews.

have something i need to do.

but in doing it, i might fuck up a relationship i don't want to fuck up.

i'm really not good at waiting. or did i mention that already.

indecision fucking kills me. HATE it.

talkin about where i'm gonna move to here...

in most other decisions i'm quick.

the reason i haven't painted isn't because "i can't".

painting used to be my refuge.

it carried me away...i got lost...hours went by like minutes.

but now i'm empty.

and exhausted.

that excitement...that rush....it's gone.

that is why i can't paint.

i think that bums me out more than anything.

the thing that used to jack me up....now...it does nothing for me.

somehow i have to fix that.

how do i readjust to me being enough.

it all just seems pointless.

i used to have something good.

how do you go from that to nothing.

i want to be satisfied to sit in front of the computer late at night.

jam to some tunes.

or watch a movie.

and have that be enough.

sometimes it is...but i need it to be enough all the time.

in the times when it isn't enough, that is when i am likely to get myself into trouble.

and do something i shouldn't do.

it's a gipsy kings kind of night.

saw therapist dude today.
now i have a headache.
related? um.....yeah.
he has decided to focus less on the boys.
and more on me.
thinkin that's not a good sign.
just sayin.
i told him i think i'm depressed.
that i am exhausted when i wake up (when i can sleep) and i'm exhausted when i go to bed.
he doesn't think i'm manic/depressive.
i sometimes wonder.
he says i am event depressed.
he didn't know i paint. until today.
and that i haven't painted in almost 3 months.
pretty sure every other word out of my mouth was fuck.
or mother fucken.
i have zero tolerance for stupid and/or rude people.
LOVING, like love love loving my new iPhone.
i officially have two boxes packed. go me.

adlkfjadkl

if i'm not abusing my body in some way, apparently i'm not happy.
the not sleeping thing has come back with a vengeance. in the last 5 days i've gotten 8 hours of sleep.
haven't painted in two and a half months. and it sucks.
the energy that you put out there comes back to you.
saw therapist dude today (it was E's appointment).
he left me with some parting words. some day i GET to tell the boys the story of how their father died. um...get to?? how about 'have' to.
will they understand why i didn't take them to see their daddy? will they understand it's because i thought it would scare them?
that i didn't want their last memory of their father to be of him attached to 50 machines with weird sounds and smells....
will they understand why i chose to have their daddy taken off the vent?
i sure fucken hope so.
i want the memory of james seizing to leave my head.
i want the memory of james struggling to breathe to go away.
i want the memory of me discussing organ donation out in the hall while james was on life support to leave my head.
i want the memory of james dying (turning blue and purple, gasping for breath) to leave my head.
i want to live my life. not just get through each day.

sunset in the harbor.
would it really be a bad thing to live here?

i don't think so.
some day it would be nice if what i had to say had nothing to do with james. not because i don't love him anymore. i need more than memories in my life. just sayin.

the ability to turn it off...to just let go...fucking rocks.

big, loud waves.
i dig that.
i am pretty much fascinated with any dude that spends large amounts of time out on the ocean.
stopped at the tatoo shop/parlor while i was here.
to get my nose ring. but they were out. um....hello. what kind of tatoo parlor is out of nose rings?!!

been wasting entirely too much energy on something that is bad for me. instead of fighting it....thinking i NEED this particular thing to keep my shit together....i just let go. i am done.

fort bragg is a possibility. i am comfortable there. i think i can get over the history i have there (with james and pre-james).

long-haired hippy dude and a little roadtrip.

i used to live in fort bragg, california. loved it there. decided to take a little roadtrip back there over memorial day weekend. i went to one of my favorite beaches. i sat, wrapped up in a blanket and watched the sun set. it's the first time i've been back there since james died. it was our place. i took him there once we were together. and he loved it. we went there often.

today is my anniversary. james and i pretty much spent every memorial day weekend in mendocino/fort bragg for the last 18 years. it was just our thing. where we went for a quick weekend getaway. i sat on the beach. without him. took in the beauty. the smell of the ocean. i took the time to really appreciate what i was seeing. and smelling. the feeling i had. that i could take a deep breath.

as i walked toward the waves, under the trussell, there was a long-haired hippy dude and his dog walking on the beach. i love dogs. so of course i talked to the dog as we passed each other. long-haired hippy dude smiled at me. i smiled back. whatever. i didn't give it another thought. on my way back to my car (after sitting on the beach for quite a while) long-haired hippy dude was sitting on a big log with his dog. he came over to me as i was walking toward my car. he asked me to sit with him on the beach. some people you are just attracted to right away. i knew in the time it took us to pass each other on the beach that i was attracted to him. it was trippy. and it was good.

nothing happened between me and long-haired hippy dude. because i didn't let it. but i was so tempted. if i didn't have kids...that night would so have ended differently. instead....i had to leave...go back to the boys (no, they were not by themselves). i am 100% a do it now, instinctual (deal with the consequences later) kind of person. except now i can't be. because i have the boys. and it's a constant struggle within myself. holy crap it's exhausting.

what an amazing beach. what an amazing sunset. and long-haired hippy dude......it was just a fuckin trip...him coming up to me....it was nice to feel connected....to someone....

no, i'm not dead. just laying in the middle of my driveway.

one of my favorite photos of ethan. walkin on the beach. drinkin hot cocoa. nice.
my toes are now metallic blue. sweet. nice change from the purple that they were (that everyone thought was black). they will be black. at some point.
feeling fuckin' destructive.
that comes and goes.
well. no. it mostly comes.
but i mostly maintain.
feeling overwhelmed today (i was sorting through some of james' things in the garage).
so i layed down in the middle of the driveway.
to fucking get my shit together.
needed just a minute.
and jan drove by (she lives a few houses down).
we ended up spending the evening together.
dan invited us for dinner (he cooks...jan does not)....
jan and i took a long walk.
we talked.
dan and rachael had the boys.
i don't know what i'm going to do withtout her/them (when i move).
that's gonna suck.

a no photo post.

i'm too lazy to look through my photos.
therapist dude asked me to write some things down.
he's going to read them next time i see him.
poor dude. he doesn't know what he's gettin himself into.
he asked me to write about the things that i leave off my blog.
so i did.
restless. so so restless.
think i'm gonna hit the road this weekend.
now i'm gonna go watch a movie. maybe two.

maybe i should live where it rains.

love the look on alexander's face.
he is SO my kid.
so fucking full of attitude (LOVE that).
love the innocent, adorable smile on E's face. nice.
feeling downright pissed off.
for no good reason.
been feeling this way for a couple of days.
restless.
went to see therapist dude this afternoon.
that makes me tired.
enjoyed a nice drive home.
it was 84 degrees.
the clouds rolled in.
it almost looked like rain. but it never rains here.
drove with the windows down and my music loud.
i can do that when the boys aren't in the car.
never giving up my 'i don't give a crap attitude.'
it works for me.
trying to appreciate the small things......

39.

one of my favorite photos of us.
you holding me and your fuckin leg wrapped around me.
so good.
this photo totally makes me smile.
thanksgiving 2007 in mendocino.
so fucking sexy.
holy crap i miss him.
that part of us.

james took this. totally. he ALWAYS freakin took photos of my ass. and it fuckin cracks me up.

i spend so much time trying NOT to think about james, that i thought today would be a good day not to try so hard. to let myself think about him.

it's possible to feel deep (deeper than i've ever known even existed) sadness....yet be able to laugh at the same time. that's what today is like for me. today james would have been 39.

james wouldn't want me to be sad today. and i'm tired of fuckin being sad anyway...so i have tried to think about all the good.....to laugh and smile. i know james would not want me to let this kick my ass. i said pretty much the same thing on facebook (everyone kept sending me email messages asking me if i was okay today). so yeah. i'm fine.......

15 things. 10 was not enough. 20 was too many.

the astoria-megler bridge. as i type the name of the bridge i say it to myself inside my head. it makes me laugh. i will never forget the name of this bridge.

it takes you from oregon into washington state. we drove over it. it needed to be done.

15 things:
emptiness.
and then fulfillment.
the natural way things roll. sometimes it's brutal. sometimes it's beautiful.
the ocean.
coca-cola.
sugar.
i realize coca-cola and sugar are basically the same thing. but seriously. if my body doesn't receive a dose of sugar in some form (along WITH a coke) every day...i'm hurtin. how did this addiction happen?
caffeine. yes. i'm back on the red bull.
peaceful sleep.
thinking outside yourself. NOT being self-absorbed. being aware of what's around you. the fuckin bigger picture.
laughter.
life. broken-in and blown-apart. it's powerful.
possibility.
realizing injustice is not being overcharged at the effin grocery store. how quickly we become small.
clarity.
wicked goodness.


quirkygirl, what is your name?
eva...hi! you are wonderful.

stream of consciousness.

blurry photo but i don't care.
it conveys a feeling of freedom.
this is me in lincoln city. or at least the bottom half of me. ha!
jan makes me aware of things that i easily forget.
ethan respects her. and that is saying something.
i am failing my oldest son. in certain respects anyway.
why can't i give him everything he needs all at the same time?
i absolutely mother fucking SUCK at keeping it all together.
i can focus on a few things...but then other things get out of control....it's a fucking never-ending circle of shit.
i always feel like i am barely hanging on or that i have to catch up.
i can do the things that have to be done. but then i fail at other things.
how hard can it be??
so totally not looking for 'you can do it, it'll all be okay' comments. i'm just sayin.
seeing a therapist sucks. i fucking always feel like crying when i am there. and crying sucks. what. are they just not fuckin doing their job unless they make you feel like you want to cry?!
i am pretty sure that i will, in fact, flip him off again. because he pisses me off. i think he finds me amusing. which makes me smile my smirky smile.
i want to be so over all this shit.
i want to be in control of my emotions. to be in control of every aspect of my life (as much as a person can be anyway).
i want to rely on no one.
i don't want to need anyone.
and it pisses me off that i might, some day....need someone.
needing someone makes you vulnerable and i am so not going there.
i always feel like crap on the days i see the therapist dude. and this is helping me....how...exactly??
yes. i will keep going. because he might be able to help E. and i can't expect ethan to go if i'm not willing to go myself.
therapist dude's words of wisdom to me today?
write down a list of pros and cons (regarding where i want to live).
jam the tunes in my iPod, caffinate up and think.

one of my favorite photos from astoria.

the view outside our hotel in astoria. the boys loved watching the big ships come and go up/down the columbia river. nice.
trying to put myself in the right mindset for what is to come.
trying to keep my perspective.
trying to find the balance of me going on with my life while at the same time keeping james' memory alive for the boys. that is balance i have yet to achieve.
when my need to move finally outweighs my fear of fucking up i guess i'll do something. it's not that i'm afraid of fucking up. i'm not. cuz, dude. i fuck up all the time. but this time....there are consequences. any wrong decision i make will affect us financially. that is a big part of why i haven't made my decision yet. there are also smaller issues...selling my house...buying another one....actually moving. but this is what i tell myself. no matter what happens, we will be okay. i'll figure it out.

my philosophy.

i love this house. there's something about it. it's a house i saw when driving around seaside. it has character. i dig that. if it happened to be in a town i wanted to live in, and was the right size, i might buy it. it just has that feel to it.

my philosophy:

live fully and completely.

sometimes it's really hard to do. do it anyway.

show empathy. that is so very important.

do what the fuck you want.

say what you mean.

mean what you say.

do things for yourself.

you are responisble for yourself. for your actions. live it. and move on.

if you want something, make it happen. figure out a way and do it.

if you're not happy with something, change it.

be willing to take a chance.

you can never get this second, minute, hour or day back.

do something good with it. whatever that is to you.

don't judge yourself too harshly.

take care of youself. no one else will.

stand up for yourself.

be open. to life.

be happy. and dude. i know that is so not easy. but at least try.

slut butt.

photo E took.
me at cannon beach.
it was frickin freezing!!!!!
i was not adequately prepared for how cold it would be. and i should have been. i know what it's like at the northern oregon coast.
going to eat coffee ice cream with magic shell. i so shouldn't. but i so am.
going to watch a movie.
and then go to bed.
first quiet moment all day. holy crap.
took my mom to the airport. she is now on her way home.
so we see this chick with a tramp stamp. you know...a huge-ass tatoo sticking out of her thong and low rise jeans. my mom goes, 'oh look. slut butt.' omg. too fricking funny. so i tell her, no mom. it's called a tramp stamp. i love it. then i tell her i am getting a tatoo. not a tramp stamp...but something. just haven't decided what and where. i think it will be hidden. seen only when i am naked.

the weekend was crazy.

E turned 8 on april 20th. we celebrated this weekend. this photo sucks (it's blurry) and i funked it out (which i dig). this is jan singing happy birthday to E in spanish. she is, after all, a spanish teacher and just got back from spending some time in peru. E thought it was pretty funny. he loves her.

all E wanted for his birthday was a new DS game (which i gave him), to see his counsins (they came and spent the weekend with us) and a chocolate cake with chocolate buttercream frosting.

it was a crazy weekend.

5 boys.

christine and my mom here.

dana here on frday.

all of us up late.

very very late.

talking.

laughing.

no martinis for me (though i was tempted since dana was here). i had a wee bit too much to drink last weekend and i'm still not quite over it.

all i can say is, you gotta take peeps as they are.

keep a smile on your face and take it as it comes.

oh. and keep the vodka handy. i may have that martini tonight. because i feel like my head is going to explode. it. was. insane. (good...but insane).

there is something to be said for vodka.

last weekend i was happy. well, as 'happy' as i can be, anyway. ~rolling my eyes at myself~ jesus christ i am fucked up.

i was at the ocean.

my only real issue was the boys' behavior (off and on)....specifically on saturday. aside from that i was good. had a little tiny bit of happiness goin' on.

today? i am a fucking mess. and fuck it pisses me off.

it surprises me, how sometimes totally out of the blue my emotions get the better of me. i can miss james so intensely it stops me from breathing. it literally makes me feel like i am going to throw up.

this is how i felt for so long after he first died. i couldn't eat. or sleep. well, today...that's how i feel. what really pisses me off is that this is happening to me six fucking months later. i am fucking sick of it.

it still brings me to tears, every time i think about the boys having so much of their lives ahead of them without james. that is just so sad to me. because he had so much to offer them. so much love for them. so much to teach them. and now they won't have any of it. only what comes from me. and seriously. that is downright mother fucking scary.

trying to pull my shit together since i have people arriving here shortly.

but dude. i so did not feel like being betty mother fucking crocker and baking E's birthday cake today. but i did.

the combination of starting therapy this week, being back from a trip...missing james....and other things....having had a lot of fun on that trip....did i mention being back here? in this hell? yeah. i think i did. not a good combo.

i so want to put this all behind me.

and begin something new.

so. fucking. exhausted.

we, as humans, spend too much time worrying, comparing, wondering and just generally being unsatisfied. with ourselves. with our lives. with what we have. or don't have.

a person is so much more than how they appear. it's everything, the entire package. the good. the bad. the whatever it is....it's just everything. i appreciate it all. whatever it is. no judgment. i do not expect or demand change. if you expect or want change, it wasn't right for you in the first place.

it's not whether your house is clean and in perfect order. yes, i have peeps coming to stay with me this weekend....should i clean and be all perfect? or fuck it.

it's not whether you're a slob (as in shit everywhere in your house). who the fuck cares. be who you are. and be down with it.

and if you're not? change it. otherwise, cut yourself some slack and move on. those kinds of things just really don't matter.

we need to appreciate what we have.

who we are.

where we are (in life not as in i should appreciate the hell hole i now reside in). because that's never happening.

i struggle with lack of motivation and lack of direction. especially since james died. i have no focus. my strong burning desire (never-ending, or so i thought) to paint is not as strong. it comes and goes. it's been mostly gone. and that sucks some serious ass. nothing seems to really matter.

that's hard for me. because i'm all about consumption. being consumed. by painting. by...well....everything. the brief times i have felt that since james died? best mother fucking moments.

i'm having a hard time figuring out where i want to go. i don't seem capable of making a clear cut decision. which pisses me off. because i can usually do that. so i'm wondering why i can't do that now.

i think i am afraid of making a mistake. it's not just me. it's me and the boys. i fucking hate being unsure of myself. of having other peeps rely on me. that is some scary shit.

we're back.

been thinking a lot about what is important to me.

while driving (and in the hotels) i listened to matt nathanson, monte montgomery, dave matthews band, audioslave (frickin love the song 'like a stone') and coldplay. all good shit.

i'm just gonna talk about matt nathanson one more time. the dude. his guitar. nothing else. 'at the point' fucking rocks. he has a band too....but at the point is just him. his voice. his guitar. and i fucking love that.

back from our trip.

i always crash when i return from a trip.
this time is no different.

hating life right now.

i literally want to climb into bed, put my iPod on, jam the tunes so loud i can't hear anything else close my eyes and try to sleep.

i have a problem processing things. when i'm doing something, i do it. if it's complicated in any way, or i am low enegy (which i am.....the sleep deprivation thing sucks)..... i don't process any of it until days later. it's like my mind/body records the event and when i think about it....go over it in my mind.....that's when i can appreciate what i have done, and how i now feel after having done it. how i SHOULD have felt WHILE doing it.

when what i am doing is all consuming, intense....i can forget everything and just focus on that moment. those times are the fucking best. the moment takes you away from everything else and to you. to what you are all about. to what you are doing. right then. and that fucking rocks.

the day we left astoria (sunday), the weather was perfect. the boys and i took a final walk on the beach. me in a skirt and short sleeved shirt. it was awesome! the boys gave me a few minutes to just think. they picked up shells, rocks...sticks...you know...did boy stuff. and before we left...well...i just had to write a little something in the sand. so someone would know i was there.

spending tonight in seaside and the weekend in astoria.

been jammin' to tunes.
matt nathanson (at the point). holy crap he rocks. i am fucking in love with his voice. and his guitar playing.
taking walks on the beach.
freezing my ass off.
drinking hot hot coffee.
consuming large amounts of caffeine and candy and not enough real food.
acknowledging the huge hole (i mean really noticing) there is in my life from james not being in it any more. feeling homesick (for james, not for home). home sucks.
not feeling like we've found a place. yet.
though i did really love newport.
i am conflicted. whatever it is i am saying to myself....there are too many other noises and i can't clearly hear what i am saying. what it is that i want. where it is that i want to go.
been kind of sad on this trip. and i'm not sure why.
i really haven't had any time to just sit. and think. and i need that. i need that and about 20,000 hours of sleep.
boys are exhausted. they fell asleep in under 5 minutes tonight. and that never happens.

we are in newport!

little plane ride.
little driving time (well....not a little)...more than a little. a lot.
and we're here!
jamming to tunes while i drive is so therapeutic for me. love love love that.
driving down highway 20 (heading west) and coming down the little hill....that's when you first see the ocean....smelling the air...SO good.
boys in the pool (me in the hot tub).
found somewhere to eat.
boys are getting ready for bed.
tomorrow?
going to the beach.
driving. more. we'll end up where we end up.
the highlight of the trip? the three of us singing (loudly) to matt nathanson's 'come on get higher'. holy crap. my boys know the words to that song!! and...um....it's probably not the best song for them to know! heh. they were rockin' it though. omg it was great. i think i will remember that forever...the three of us singing, rocking out in the car. good stuff.
i would post photos if i could. but my laptop can't read my photocard (and i have yet to figure out why).
more later.

hittin' the road.

the boys and i are taking off tomorrow. taking a little roadtrip up the oregon coast (starting from where we left off in january). nice way to spend E's spring break. i am, of course, taking my laptop. and may check in while on the road. so hoping somewhere we go will feel right. so i can do this.

i think i am doing okay.

last of our SF photos. as E was standing there, taking this photo, two women walked by. they were older. "look at that little girl taking a picture!" yeah. girl? if E knew how to give the finger. he would have. i just laughed. my boys are going to be tough. be able to stand up for themselves. to tell people what they want. know who they are. not be defined by how others see them.

chinatown. omg. the smells? soooo freakin' good. the language....the everything.....i love it there.

one of my hopes (and i'll do pretty much anything to make it happen) is that the boys be life-long friends. they ARE brothers. they have no choice in the matter. i want more for them. i want them to be friends. to look out for each other. to be part of each others' lives. forever. look at E, with his arm around alexander. so love that.

our time at the beach. love the sail boat and the golden gate in the background.

they either love each other. or they are fighting. there is no inbetween. huh. wonder where they get that from.

i think i am doing okay. i look back to 6 months ago (yes, it's been 6 months)...i so wish i could stop marking that passage of time....but i look back to 6 months ago and i am happy to be where i am today, compared to where i was at first. happy to not be at the beginning of my life without james. happy to have some time between when he died and now. is life perfect and i'm all happy happy? hell no. but life today is better than when james first died. when i felt my world completely stop.
now that some time has passed, i know where i stand. and have a better idea of what i need to do and what we are going to do.

couple more photos from san fran.

at the pier. first on the agenda? a pretzel. duh. then of course, ice cream.

i love boats. all kinds of boats. i just love boats. always have.

so stinking cute. caught both boys. with happy faces. so so good.

here mommy. i have a flower for you.

the carousel. just a random shot. like i always take.

E.
people think i am running away (by taking so many roadtrips). i'm not. i just can't sit around. doing nothing. every fucking weekend. the weekend was james' time with the boys. and we just cannot sit around doing nothing. so we go places. it's not about running away. it's about getting out. and living life. trying to re-form our family. trying to keep communication open between me and the boys. because i see E closing off. and that can't happen.

another roadtrip.

the boys and i needed to get away. so we threw some shit into the car and went to san francisco. yes, i know we were just there a couple of months ago. but it doesn't matter. i needed to go back. E took this one of me and alexander. he now asks me every time we go somewhere if he can take some photos. it's cute. and so far so good on the him not dropping my camera thing!

so freaking love this photo. this was as we were walking from our hotel to the pier.

going over the bay bridge.

alexander running around on our way back from the pier.

i don't usually spend much time downtown in SF. but this trip we took a walk around....looked at things. it was nice. i have many many more photos. i'll probably post more. later.

i had a crazy week last week. this weekend, i unplugged. focused on the boys. spent some quiet time. E is having a very hard time right now. i have been talking to his grief conselor. who may now become my grief counselor (or one of his associates)....yes. i am considering one-on-one grief counseling for all three of us. still deciding. one thing i do know? i need to do everything i can for E. and if me being in counseling with him, or alone will help him in any way....then that is what i need to do.

without these things my life would be shit.

lol...okay, the title of my post totally makes me laugh out loud! i do not take myself seriously. you shouldn't either. if you can't use a fucking bad word now and then (or, in my case..often...ha)....well...fuck. get over it!
now....on with it! without these things/people my life would be shit (so giggling right now)....
jan. 'nuff said. okay, well, no. not really. not enough said. she rocks my fucking world. she is the most amazing person (right there along with james) that i have ever met. EVER. we spent some time together today. and it was good.
dan. my boys love him. he is good with them. i can never...EVER...thank him enough. rachael. she gives up her parents. for my boys. she is an amazing young woman.
tara whitney. she is genuine. real. amazing. she makes me smile. i am going back to her house to stay with her again. yes. i am.
cathy zielske's blog post about spices. are ya fucking kidding me? i laughed SO hard. scroll down to march 23rd. make sure you read the entire thing. come on. dick weed? holy crap. i love that so much. i about peed my pants. i am so glad i can laugh. through these last crappy 5 months...i can still laugh.
music. i still can't get enough.
being able to take a deep breath. i know i've mentioned this before. until you can't do it, you really don't miss it. but then you do.
being in the zone. painting.....and not thinking. so effing good.
now i'm of to watch slumdog.
and then hopefully (please please please) some sleep.