playing with my new cam.

i was at a stoplight and the message on the billboard caught my eye: you have enough to worry about.

after i dropped E off at school today i actually drove around looking for cool photo op spots. these are just a couple of what i found.

oh come on. if you were four you'd wear snow boots with your shorts and short sleeved shirt too. wouldn't you.

something about this one....i just like it.

just because.

friedrich nietzsche quote i love:

the individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. if you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. but no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.

just felt like painting and slapping a pic down.

needed to create something today.

journaling:
feeling exhausted. unmotivated. like i have no direction. bored? struggling to find my way with E. questioning myself. wondering....what's it gonna take to make these feelings go away. feeling overwhelmed. tired of the same thing every day yet happy to be able to stay home with the boys. looking for something. a little break from the same thing each and every day. feeling lucky. lucky to have james. and healthy children. what will it take to make this unsettled feeling go away? tired of just getting by. of just maintaining. tired of having no energy. tired of not sleeping, waking up 50 times a night. constantly strugggling and not sure how to find a way out. but i know i will.

perspective.

when life happens things get put into perspective. i'm going to focus on that during the upcoming year. in celebration of this fact i made this page. if you want to know more about this page go here.

i feel like i need some direction.

maybe i should have chosen direction as my word for 2008 instead of perspective. oh well. perspective is just as important if not more so i suppose. i'm feeling tired. and unmotivated. it's cold....like freaking cold, windy and snowing. i'm drinking what's left of my tall non-fat mocha misto x hot no whip while alexander watches yo gabba gabba.

i should be folding laundry, washing more laundry, unloading the dishwasher (cleaning up the breakfast mess), dusting (i didn't get to it yesterday), cleaning the stairs, vacuuming upstairs (haven't vacuumed the boys rooms since we took down their trees). how bad is that. there are needles on their floors. yeah. mother of the year.

what i really feel like doing is art journaling/scrapping. i feel paralyzed and afraid to make something because it must meet this standard or that standard. so instead of worrying about what product is used, or what i'm scrapping for, i just want to go make something. no rules. no worry. no 'anything' it must have or not have. what i create might be crap but at least it will be something and it might help me get passed this whatever it is that i feel like is blocking my creativity.

i must admit that i enjoy it when people see my work and they like it. given that i'm as far from a traditional scrapper as you can get, some people just don't like my stuff. and that's okay. i don't scrap for anyone but myself. i scrap to create. to remember. to document our lives. we matter. i want my children to have what i do not, and that is photographs and memories from their childhood. from time to time i just need to remind myself why i am doing this. nice comments are icing on the cake....they make me feel good....but whether there are nice comments or not does not change the quality of my pages. need to get over the praise-hoe thing, eh?

getting off the computer now...going to fold laundry and start more. instead of complaining about lack of motivation i guess i'll get off my ass and do something.

this is what we did yesterday morning.

alexander and rachel on their way down, E on his way back up.

a perfect sunny day. what better way to spend your morning? meet up with neighbors and sled. nothing better.

E taking the penguin way down.

it became known as the body bag. 'nuff said. wait. not 'nuff said. who was it that talked me into going down on a garbage bag instead of an actual sled??? thanks jan. yes, that's me flying by alexander and his little friend juliette.

okay.....whatever....i wanted to upload a pic of james speeding down the hill but blogger refuses to let me add one more photo! and i need to go do other things now. >insert truly pissed off glare here<

first LOs of 2008.

these are my two LOs for scrapgal for january. yep. still stuck on white cardstock. it had been a while since i scrapped. i feel rusty. as i sit here and type my boys are using my scrap table and are eh hem..."scrapping". oy. what a mess i will have when they are done. upswing? they are playing nicely together. it won't last. with that said, tiem to get off the 'puter.

i have learned many things.

the beginning of 2008 brings me out of the haze and craziness that was december. i love christmas, and the hustle and bustle and family time. i wouldn't trade it for the world. yet it leaves me exhausted.

christmas this year was different. and that's not a bad thing. it was just different.
christmas eve with james' family at our house.
christmas morning with james' family at our house.
christmas dinner with james' family at our house.
my mom flying in, staying one night then me driving her to my brother's house and staying one night there.
my mom and i not being together at christmas.
my mom coming to our house the day after christmas and spending the night. we had that and it was good. i am grateful for everything we had this christmas.

i really do consider myself one of the luckiest people on the planet.
my kids are healthy (knock on wood).
james is a hunka hunka burnin' love with long sexy locks and is doing well health-wise. (again, knock on wood).
we have so many things. my new camera. james' new flat screen plasma. our washer is on its last legs but hey. if it works that just means i'm doing laundry and who wants to do that.
i am thankful for the time i have with my mom.

for 2008 i'm all about perspective. i hope to keep everything in perspective and just be grateful for every single thing i have and every single person in my life. that's how i am starting out 2008.

ground hog day?

i feel like today, i did exadtly what i did yesterday. gee. wonder why. oh wait. i know. because i did do exactly what i did yesterday.
get up. check.
make breakfast for the boys. check.
take a shower. check.
yell at boys to get ready for school. check.
take E to school. check.
clean microwave. check.
clean oven. check.
sweet kitchen/dining. check.
unload dishwasher. check.
put away 8 billion play doh tools and cans of play doh. check.
wash alexander's laundry. check.
wash some of james' and my laundry. check.
clean front of stainless steel fridge. check.
dust family room and living room. check.
pick up E from school. check.
pass out some of the spiced candied pecans i made for people at E's school. check.
vacuum stairs. check.
vacuum upstairs. check.
make sample ornaments for E's class. check.
cut out and assemble all materials for said ornaments (needed for thursday's party). check.
help E with homework. check.
go outside and bring in 5...yes i sais 5 big boxes from UPS. check. thanks mom. and bob and elizabeth.
make dinner? hmm. need to get on that. no clue what we'll have. better figure it out. it's 5:45.

feels like i had a busy day.

wake up. check. but trust me i so did not want to get out of bed today.
make breakfast for boys. check.
shower. check.
yell at boys so they get dressed, brush their teeth, and finish getting ready for school.
take E to school. check.
talk to his teacher about the christmas party i am planning for his class. check.
go buy couple more gifts. check.
buy everything i need for ornaments at E's party. check.
buy everything i need for making and decorating 15 gingerbread houses. check.
tear apart E's bed and wash everything. check.
put E's bed back together. check.
feed alexander and me some lunchie munchie. check.
tear apart our bed and was everything. check.
put our bed back together. check.
clean boys' bathroom. check. it was so gross. i'm such a bad mom.
wash all the towels in boys' bathroom. check.
pick up E from school. check.
talk to his teacher again. check.
go to REI to buy gift. check. yay. one of the hardest peeps to buy for is now taken care of.
make dinner. check.
start more regular laundry, i.e., not bedding or towels. check.
unload dishwasher and do breakfast dishes. check.
vacuum downstairs. check. note to self. buy new vacuum. our sucks ass. well...it doesn't really suck. that's the problem.
go to target. NO check. waiting for james to get home so i can leave the little angels here. what. why was i gone for five hours???? lol...hmmm....i got lost. yeah. that's it.
wrap remaining items (will do tonight after munchkins are in bed).
now off to finish and serve up dinner. check.

required photo.

a required photo. no. not this one. this one just happened by accident. it was taken by ethan. and i like it. i like how you can see and feel the....the...raw emotion....a surface contentment...something so powerful and unsettled just underneath....in the way i am leaning into james and have my eyes closed. good job E. thanks.






this one is the required photo. E must bring in a current photo of his family to school tomorrow for a little project they have going on. so tonight we did a quick photo shoot. this is the tree in the family room. could have taken the pic in front of the bigger tree which is in the living room but james thought the lighting was better in the family room. so there you have it. this is us. christmas 2007.

a little perspective.

couple of recent layouts. my 'be thankful' layout is a reminder to myself not to sweat the small stuff and to really truly be thankful for what i have and who i have in my life. this life really is fragile and can be changed forever in a single split second. i fully realize that. and i appreciate where i am and what i have. so i leave you with this. a few things i am thankful for (and won't be taking for granted any time soon).

that my children are again sleeping through the night, i.e., not throwing up and sick as dogs.

that my husband loves me.

that what stresses me at christmas is caused by too many people wanting/needing to be too many places at once. it'll all work out.

that james fixed the dishwasher. oh how i love having a dishwasher that works.

that the lump on my neck is going away.

and now i must go wrap presents.

went to see santa.

when i picked E up after school yesterday i told him i heard a rumor that santa was in town. then i asked him if he wanted to go find out. then i called james and he met us down at the mall. thursday evening, no waiting. what could be better? the boys were cute. after meeting santa, we stopped at a couple stores, then went out to dinner. nice way to spend an evening!

alexander's birthday part three.

alexander had one birthday, but in four parts.

part 1: sick, throwing up...miserable.

part 2: small party at beach house over thanksgiving to help make up for party we had to cancel on actual bday because bday boy was so sick.

part 3: birthday party. finally. not when first scheduled, or as planned...but hey. things happen. at least we were able to have the party and alexander had fun.

part 4: pinata at grandma's house.

the pics in this post are all from alexander's bday part 3. and james...if you read this....hope you enjoy the ass shot. you took it, you get to look at it. i think i have enough ass shots to fill an entire album. maybe i should make that a priority. hmmm?

anyway, alexander's party was at jump man jump (the blurry pic of my ass is me and alexander climbing up the steps to the giant slide). all in all i think he had a fun time. just too bad we couldn't have the party on his bday as planned.

oh, one last thing. do you so dig the hair? alexander has me spike his hair up almost every single day. i love his individuality. i really truly 100% so dig his ability....willingness...to just be himself. to be what he wants to be. to be how he wants to be. he is a most amazing and wonderful boy.

thanksgiving 2007.

have no clue how these pics are gonna load. randomly i suppose. but i have this to say about thanksgiving 2007: good wine (tequila and vodka), good friends, good food, family, a most excellent hot tub and the beach. does it get any better?

happy birthday alexander.

today is alexander's birthday. but we did not have a party. why you ask? alexander is sick. still. today he was worse than he's been. so bad in fact we had to cancel his party at jump man jump. he just had no energy and was pretty much miserable all day. he opened his presents from mom and dad (and from my mom too). then took a bath. and layed around feeling icky. he did muster up the energy to ask for a cupcake (i baked 36 of them yesterday in the hopes we wouldn't have to cancel his party)....yeah...that was smart of me wasn't it.....anyone want a cupcake? james was out running errands but ethan and i sang happy birthday to alexander and he blew out his candles. not much of a birthday. we rescheduled his party (and it won't be the same). can you tell today was a crappy day? not as bad as it could have been i realize that. but not as good as it should have been. my little boy tunred four today.

turns out that ethan how has what alexander has. and it's a long one. so long in fact we may not be going to the beach for thanksgiving. can we just catch a break? one small little break? with everything else that's been going on i am about to lose it. seriously.

four years ago at this time i had a baby that was almost 10 hours old. and today he is four years old. i just hope that tomorrow he wakes up and is well. and that ethan magically gets well before wednesday. yeah. here's hoping.

ode to grandpa.

with the recent death of my father-in-law, i just really have not felt like blogging. i do want to show pictures of him...and tell you about him....what a good man he was. was. it still doesn't seem real. but for some reason i just haven't. i am so sad for linda (my mother-in-law) and wish i could take away her sadness and that of james and the rest of the family too.

it's been incredibly sad.

what's a post without a pic. right?

this is for you james. yup. you took it. now you get to look at it. :wink:

the weekend before halloween we spent the day at my in-laws carving pumpkins. yes. that's me. carving a pumpkin. what? OH. i see. you can't tell that's me carving a pumpkin because all you can see is my ASS!!!!!!!!!

a fun time was had by all. everyone walked away a winner. grandma had presents for all the little ones. so much fun!

halloweenie-weenie

okay. not the best pics. but come on. what's a girl gonna do when her power rangers are RAMPED UP about going trick or treating. not exactly the smartest time to take a pic. oh well.

we had a good time. mommy, daddy, e, alexander, uncle will, aunt phoebe, cousins brian, matthew, ryan, justin and joey, auntie trish and uncle patrick. yes. there were a bunch of us!

ethan so totally got halloween this year. he was at the front of the pack. the entire time! alexander had fun too. not quite as gung ho as e, but he still had fun. when he got tired i took him home (everyone else continued on) and then alexander and i passed out candy. while he ate gobs and gobs of it. all in all it was a very fun night! i have never seen so many trick or treaters out. such fun!

remember.

remember the child we never got to hold. a page about something that happened about four years ago around this time of year. first page i've done about this. it was good to remember. but sad. very very sad. i think about this often. but it also helped me to forget (while i was submersed in making the page). i guess i needed to make it. in case you're wondering, the child in the photograph? that's ethan. he was almost a year and a half old. this photograph just really always makes me think about this because it happened close to halloween and E is in his lamb costume on halloween day of that year.

page a day cont'd. days 5 and 6.

life's been a little crazy the last couple of days. haven't been home much. everyone (except me of course) is now in bed and already asleep!

so here you have yesterday's page and today's uber quick page. tomorrow is the last day of page a day at scrapgal. a page a day is harsh for me. it's hard to fit in the time. i like to scrap when i feel creative....and it's hard to feel creative when trying to cram in time to scrap!

anyway....in other news..stephanie herbert....you rock. seriously. you are the sweetest person ever.

on a side note.....my dad and his wife were here to stay back in july i think it was. they brought thier dog tosha. that's fine. i love animals. but tosha is very old. and can't get around well. my dad took her upstairs with him when he went to bed. in the middle of the night she needed to go outside. so my dad picked her up and carried her down the stairs. only he tripped and fell. on tosha. needless to say it was a long night in which none of us got any sleep. tosha was hurt. she could not stand on her back right leg. in the morning my dad takes his wife to her dr appt (that's why they stayd with us). then they go home. i'm afraid to ask about tosha. well last weekend james ended up at my dad's house (in california) because he was working on the plane. the annual. he had dinner with my dad and his wife. when he got back i forgot to ask him if he saw tosha and how she was. well....i finally asked him. the news was not good. tosha never recovered from the fall and my dad had tosh put down. she was 14, having a hard time....and he had her put down. which breaks my heart. i'm not sure if this is rational or not, but i somehow feel responsible for tosha's death. i want to say demise here. not sure which word is less dramatic. i want the less dramatic word. anyway....my dad sent me an email (i hadn't talked to him since he was here...we don't speak often)....he wanted to know how i was. i answered. told him i'm fine, that james told me about tosha (and only because i asked)...and i told my dad how sorry i was. no response. not sure what that means. if anything. my dad is not the best (and that is an understatement) at communication (especially if it involves conveying any and i do mean any emotion).....

now. on to one more item. i have been tagged by rebecca. i would love to play along but for whatever reason i can't get to your blog!!! just wanted you to know i'm not ignoring you!

now i'm off to watch a movie and i may go to bed early. i am wiped out! and we have another jam-packed day tomorrow (we have family in town from austin)...so it's a good jam-packed......

page a day. day 4.

stamps baby. that's right. with pink, black, brown and white. it's messy. and grungy. and just the way i like it.

page a day. day 3.

day 3 of our one week page a day at scrapgal. i'm still totally in grunge mode. and loving it. felt like a little hambly and some of my new fave imagination project cardstock stickers.

page a day. day 2.

day 2 of page a day at scrapgal. i used a pic of james on the tea cups with alexander (you can't see alexander). i was looking through pics and i liked the blury, crazy feel of this one. didn't scrap it as a disney pic. scrapped it as i always do, by how i feel. and this is how i feel today.

page a day.

we're doing page a day over at scrapgal. come check it out! this is my page for today.

i'm thinking i just haven't discovered 'the' thing.

the thing that i want to be when i grow up.
the thing that i want to spend my time doing.
the thing that i could be so excited about i never would want to stop doing it.
maybe that's why i'm not teaching (aside from the fact i have two small children who require my attention).
i just think that perhaps i haven't discovered my passion (aside from scrapping).

having one of 'those' days.

tired of cleaning.
tired of doing laundry.
tired of 'have to's and should's'.
tired of feeling bored.
i shouldn't feel bored. i'm a big girl. i know how to get out and do things. problem is, i just don't feel like getting out and doing...well....anything.
i'm lackluster.
i'm searching.
and not finding.
what am i searching for?
who knows.
to not feel empty so often i guess. to not feel numb.
i shouldn't feel this way.
i have the best husband on the planet.
i have healthy children.
i have a home.
a car.
food.
a family.
life is not horrible.
it's actually pretty darn good.
so what is wrong with me.
why am i not sleeping?
why do i rarely feel excited?
last time i was excited about something was our trip to dworld. five weeks ago.
oh wait. tuesday i was excited. when ethan's in-class writing assignment was actually ledgible. it was more than that. it was abso-freakin-lutely perfect. which is rare. very rare. handwriting is very hard for him. he excels at everything else...but this one task is hard for him. very hard.
but why do i feel so lost most of the time.
and lonely. today especially.
PMSing?
just basically losing my mind?
who knows.
now i feel better.
i can breathe.
and i can figure out what to do with the next hour until alexander wakes up.
and we have to go get E.
and i have to take the brownies and cake to school for tonight's harvest fest.
and then take E to soccer.
then back to school for the festival.
dinner? yeah. i'll eat some tomorrow.
or maybe i'll have a candy bar after everyone goes to bed.
i think that's a pretty good dinner.
don't you?

busy day.

i was very busy today.
it just felt like i never stopped.
got the things i needed to get done which is good.
now. to get the cake safely to school in the morning and not splattered all over the inside of the explorer.
and to get the brownies to school without mangling them. i never think in advance that i will need a box of some sort. go figure. me...not being fully prepared or forgetting something? unheard of. yeah...that's scarcasm.
i am very tired.
and had a huge mess in the kitchen. which is now mostly cleaned up.
the boys were on meltdown mode tonight. not enough rest i guess. they are now tucked safely into their beds.
got all of the supplies i need to make the goody bags for E's october party (on the 31st). i have everything to go into them. i have everything i need to make the witch cupcakes. and the supplies for the scary ghost garland and bat garland. now just need to cut out 10 ghosts and 10 bats per child. that is 140 ghosts and 140 bats. now that's gonna take me forever. why am i sitting here and not cutting out ghosts and bats???!!! got googly eyes (240 of 'em) today). that's a lot of googly eyes. but the ghost garland and bat garland will really be cute and something i think the kids will have fun making. i would love it if E brought that home to me. which he will, of course...but i meant even if i wasn't the one in charge of the project.
going to unwind now. briefly i hope. because i really really am wiped out. and need to sleep. if only i could sleep without waking up a million bazillion times......

mullin' things over so not really much to say.

instead of chatty chattin' about what's happenng (or not happening) in my life i'll just post a LO i did today.

yes. it's a 12 x 12.

hey. i used to do them all the time.

yes. my LO has more than one pic on it.

what can i say, i'm a multi-faceted scrapper. HAAA! that's good for a giggle.

this is actually the first soccer page i've ever done. the first 'sports' kind of page for that matter. i wanted a bunch of dif pics depicting dif times in the game all on the same page.

at this particular game it rained during the last half. like really rained. for nevada that's rare. i loved it. the kids were soaked. parents were soaked. and it was fun.

i wrote 'killer instinct' out onto a piece of light blue cardstock using a black sharpie. then i just cut out the letters. i wanted that bit of blue behind the black but on top of the white. there isn't even any patterned paper on this. only a MME flower. i wanted a really basic page. i wanted the pics and design of the pics to stand out and help make the LO. of course i can't complete a LO these days without some messy paint.

the mysteries of a six year old.

ethan has been testing me.
and i have been failing.
he gets up and is grouchy. mean and rude to me. mean and rude to alexander.
yet he's an angel at school. go figure.
i know he's good at school because i get a citizenship report (both social and academic).
when i pick him up from school...30 seconds later...and i'm not kidding....he is rude and mean to me.
i have tried different approaches. tried ignoring this behavior. nothing seems to work.

on saturday during E's soccer game, he was ignoring the ball (which was coming right to him), and he was ignoring his coach. so i tried to get him to pay attention. his reaction? he turned around, raised his arms (and fists) at me and shook them. then he yelled at me. oh yeah. that was lovely. nothing like every parent on the field watching and then staring at me. i was coming close to my breaking point. my mother in law as at the game. james was out of town for the day....and linda (my mil) could see it in my face and hear it in my voice that i needed a break. so she took E. she was going to have two of his cousins already so she said one more would not be a problem.

of course he was good for her.
sunday rolls around. and ethan was good. all day.
and today...when i picked him up from school...he was good. NO attitude. not even when we were doing homework.
what changed?
what happened?
if only i could figure it out.
i could save my sanity.
i have been talking to ethan.
telling him i won't be upset if he doesn't get perfect grades on his school work. he seems very worried about that.
i tell him he can come to me with anything.
i want to have that kind of relationship with him. it's so very very important to me.
the one thing that can take me to my breaking point faster than anything...well, not really that fast....it takes a while....but it is the one thing that gets to me.....is his never-ending attitude.

sitting on the loveseat while james plays a game with the boys. i'm drinking an extra hot mocha (thanks james)...still feeling achy with a sore throat. though i definitely feel better today than i did yesterday. hoping i feel 100% tomorrow.

so ethan is sitting at the bar tonight eating ice cream.
E: do you have a boyfriend? girls have boyfriends.
me: yes. i have a boyfriend. daddy.
E: no, he's your husband.
me: well, he was my boyfriend first. now he is my husband. E, do you have a girlfriend?
E: yes. a million of 'em. i'll tell you three.
me: (laughing softly)....okay, who are they?
E: taylor, ashley and em.

cute convo. but seriously? first grade and we're already talking girlfriends??? which leads me to tell you how old i was when i first kissed a boy. second grade people. and the lucky guy's name was bruce. no clue what his last name is...lol....but he was a blonde with freckles. that, i can remember.

some scrappies.

made this LO for galblog. it's scrapgal's design inspiration blog. new posts every M, W and F. check it out, yo.








made this page on wednesday (10.10). it's messy, lots of paint and ramblings about how difficult ethan has been lately. his constatant attitude is draining me.


















you can sort of see 'black lines' around the outside of this one (below). yeah. you know the ones...they define your page online but don't really exist on the page itself. so just pretend. looking at white on white does NOT do the LO justice. it's simple. so absolutely simple. but sometimes, after making a lot of messy pages i surprise even myself and whip out a simple/clean page. same pic. one LO messy with paint, one clean.





















now i'm off to go check on alexander.

kid art. ya gotta love it.

E brought this home yesterday from first grade. it's water color and is a pic of the sun and blue sky, our house (the blue blob), and daddy (purple head), some grass and a red rose with green stem. of course he wrote his name in paint (right in the middle of the flower) as well. hey. had to sign his masterpiece, now didn't he.

today i:

made breakfast for the boys.

packed E's lunch.

took E to school.

went to target for a few things.

made lunch for alexander.

cleaned up from breakfast. and then lunch.

unloaded the dishwasher.

cooked dinner.

did the dinner dishes.

did laundry.

picked E up.

played with the boys.

we usually have homework but today we didn't. which was nice.

picked up toys.

gave the boys a bath.

got their clothes ready for tomorrow.

fed the dogs (twice).

fed the fish (twice).

dealth with E's attitude. which sucked. bad. he's trying my patience. i'm doing my best to maintain.

wondering what tomorrow will bring.

i'm not good at making cards.

but i made some anyway. it was for national card making day on saturday and a little croppy crop we had going on at scrapgal. some great cards in the gallery! the 'thank you' card i made has a hand-written note on the back from me which says, 'you bring a lot of sunshine into my life, thought i'd bring a little into yours.' i sent it to my mom to thank her for all she does for me.

and so it goes. it's sunday. which is followed by monday. ~sigh~ which means getting up early, school for E, laundry, cooking, cleaning...and my most fave of all....going to the store. i am going to try to adopt the 'be grateful' attitude. and be grateful i/we can do all those things. we truly are lucky. and i often need to remind myself of that.