my new do. take 2.

yes. i got my hair cut three weeks ago. but....uh....i wasn't happy with it. i liked that it was shorter. but it just wasn't quite right. so i took a chance. went to a totally new person. and she rocks. like holy freakin' crap rocks.
she said, 'do you know what you want?'
i said, 'no. not really. all i know is i'm not happy with how it is now. it's too long to be "short" hair. and i want short hair.
and she got it. and she fixed it. and i'm going back to her for my next cut. i may be hers forever. now we're talking color. woot. maybe. not so sure. i've had a partial weave before. but dude. i so wasn't happy with it. but i may let mindy convince me. she did rock the cut.

i'm answering these questions.

1) Do you have a tattoo? Where? Why? What does it look like?
nope. me no likey needles. but i'm contemplating a small (very small) diamond stud for my nose. yes. i'm serious. no. james doesn't know this yet. he doesn't read my blog often. it'll be a surprise IF i decide to do it. :wink:

2) Are you a "fly by the seat of your pants gal" or "a planner"? (Love me some Julia Roberts circa "Pretty Woman" vibe)
i dig that movie. ~sigh~ i want the 'romance' of that movie in my life.
on to the question. i am a fly by the seat of my pants kind of person AND a bit of a planner. i like to do some things in advance. for other things...i hate having to be somewhere at a certain time/date. i don't like making plans...other times i do....i'm a woman in constant conflict! lol..

3) For one day.....and one day only. If you could do any thing, be any thing, say any thing.... with no consequences...what would that "thing" be?
in no particular order:
i would be filthy rich. i would go out and buy nice things. and a lot of 'em. yes. i'm materialistic. whatcha gonna do 'bout it. :wink: i really need clothes. bad. everything (except for the outfit my mom bought me last week) is four sizes too big. four.
i would eat whatever i wanted. omg that would be so awesome. seriously....that would be the best!
i would say exactly what is on my mind to a few people. coughMY FATHER/BROTHER/MOTHERcough. family. it's so complicated.
i would make james 100% healthy and better.
i would sleep.
i would paint (oil on canvas).
i would scrap.
i would travel the world. hey. no one said my answer had to be realistic.
i would beat the crap out of all the rude people that i encounter throughout my day. yes. i have issues with rude people.
i would meet claude monet. i would watch him paint.
i would just like the ability to go anywhere i want, spend as much as i want without even having to think about it.
i could go on. really. but i'm sure you're tired of reading.

things i know. take 2.

1. i will only like a food if it has sugar and lots of fat. ice cream, chocolate chip cookies, candy bars. see? it's true.

2. i am dog-ass tired and should go to bed before 1 am. sometimes 2 am. like last night. i am dragging!

3. raising kids is exhausting. seriously. and not just because i go to bed at 2 am and get up at 6. it just requires 100% constant effort, reinforcement, teaching, love...etc...

scrappage

after not feeling like scrapping in what seemed like forever, i was finally able to produce something for scrapgal's may newsletter. i wish i could get my scrap on whenever i felt the urge (not just late late at night when i should be sleeping)! dina puts together a most fabulous newsletter. there are many many talented women at scrapgal. stop by!

here's what i've decided.

i'm tired of sounding like a mom. 'you guys are gonna pick up those >insert whatever it happens to be here....toys...flashlights....other toys< before you go up to brush your teeth, right?' and i say it in such a 'mom' voice. um....what happened to kimberly. the person who wasn't a mother? the person who didn't use to constantly pick up after her family. the person who had an identity other than 'mom'. don't get me wrong. i love my kids and i love being a mom. but you know what? i need it to not be my entire identity. i need some part of me to be just 'me'. how do i make that happen? it's odd for me to say that. because i have such a ferocious love for my kids. but i have an equally ferocious appetite to still be just 'me'. weird. i must find balance. that's for sure.

the weekend.

it was filled with t ball, buying rocks (oh what fun...NOT), more t ball, grocery shopping, dealing with a seriously grouchy and exhausted six year old, oh..and don't forget the yard work. omg i hate yard work. some creatures destroyed our front yard last summer unbeknowst to us. we were so busy kayaking and camping we were never home. but the creatures are causing us much money in repair. lawn? completely destroyed. cranesbill? completely destroyed. james tore down the rock wall and dug down deeper. we took out maybe 8 bushes. some may be able to be saved. probably not. we will see. we're going to lay down the yard fabric, lay 2 inch river rock over it (james is making a river bed) for the ferocious run off we get in the winter. little creatures be forewarned. i am not a violent person. i don't even eat beef. hey. pet a cow...can't eat one. BUT. i.........have.........yet............to............pet.................a.................vole. so watch out you little $%$^!!!! i'm watching for you. don't make me hurt you. go quietly along your way. do not stop in my front yard again. i am now an angry woman who spent the weekend doing yard work. momma's not a happy girl.

most embarrassing moment?

seriously? i have so many to choose from. it's actually pretty sad. lol... these are the ones i'm willing to tell you about. yes. there are some i don't even let myself think about. it's that bad. lol...

about a year and a half ago james and i (and the boys) were at a restaurant eating dinner. the server asked me when the baby was due. yeah. um. i wasn't pregnant. and yes. she asked this in front of james. i could have died. i felt so humiliated. maybe i should thank that wretch of a person now. could be part of the motivation for me finally losing the extra weight. seriously though? um...you couldn't pay me enough to thank that person. never...NEVER ask a woman when is the baby due even if you know she is 100% outright about to give birth right in front of you.

lets see. another one? when james and i were dating (which we didn't do very long) before he asked me to marry him, one day we were at my mom's house. she was supposed to be gone. we were...uh...'borrowing' her hot tub. she saw we were there and came outside to 'chat'. we were naked. and she stayed. it was like...go away already! lol... i'm still to this day not sure if she knew we were naked or not. i hope not.

i could go on and on about high school embarrassing moments. the most devastating to me was during a routine at a basketball game. yes. i was in fact a cheerleader. and a bad one at that. probably the worse on the squad. lol... my dad (who NEVER took any interest in me in high school) came to watch me perform. he had never EVER come before. i lived on my own and it was bizarre that my dad came to a game. i was so nervous. i totally lost my rhythm and was off during the entire performance! yeah. could have died. did that in front of the entire school. oh the memories. don't you just love high school? NOT. lol...

there are more but i think i've shared enough humiliation to last a lifetime!

lets pretend it's april 20th.

i say this because that was ethan's birthday. a very special day. but. being as busy as i was, i did not have time to post anything special to my son on that day. so finally...i'm doing it today.

i took various pics of him throughout the day. his birthday was on a friday. his first birthday wish? breakfast at starbucks. that's my boy. hard to see because he was a nonstop blur of action but he's eating a cinnamon twist (to go along with his hot cocoa). the breakfasst of birthday boy champions.




















after starbucks it was off to raley's. i needed more butter to finish the swiss meringue buttercreme frosting for the cake. the boys LOVE the race car carts at raley's. it's almost worth the higher prices.














after starbucks, raley's and putting gas in my car it was off to school. fridays are my day to volunteer so on this day i brought my camera. i also brought chocolate covered rice krispy treats. dude. it was his birthday. it had to be celebrated. HAD to. lol... he was quite happy.



















directly after school it was off to red robin for lunch (second birthday request) with good friend jacob (and my good friend shelley, jacob's mom). james met us there. not the best pic, the glare from the outside was horrible. but hey. it's a pic. the event has been documented.














happen to love this shot of my now six year old. isn't he adorable? he is. and yes. i'm saying so myself. lol...














after red robbin we had a t ball game.



















guess who got the game ball. yup. the birthday boy. he was very happy. crappy shot. what can i say. it's hard to manage 14 kids and get a good shot at the same time.
















pretend there is a pic of ethan at ashley's party here. yes. i really have one but somehow deleted it and can't get it posted again in the right order. if i add it now it goes to the top and i'm really too lazy to go through and do all this again. so just pretend you see E standing in the middle of a bunch of children at ash's party.

after t ball we had a birthday party to go to. no. not ethan's. his friend ashley. her birthday is two days after E's and it turned out her party was on E's birthday this year. we were there late. like midnight late. the boys were exhausted but had fun. you can see E, holding the pink, yellow and light blue gift for ash. he was in line to give her the gift.

it was a very busy day. poor kid didn't even get to open a present on his birthday. we were that busy. when we got home from ash's party the boys went straight to bed.

ethan's birthday party pics (his party was on the 21st) are still on my cam. yeah. i'll download those soon. i haven't even looked at them yet. and i want to.

i'm pretty sure E had a good day. i know he did the next day. he opened his presents from us that morning. his grammy came later that day and then his actual birthday party. more about that later. the kid was funny. quite the little host.

i have a six year old. holy crap how did that happen.

oh yeah. did i mention i was in labor for 39 hours? 39. yes, it's his day. but it's also our memory. i will treasure april 20 2001 forever. it's such a special day to me. the day ethan was born.

things i know.

a watched pot never boils. well that's actually not true. a watched pot really does boil. i've tested that theory. maybe i should audition for myth busters.
it never fails. just when i want to choke the life right out of my children (no. i would NEVER really do that)....they stop fighting and are nice to each other. good thing too. for them. lol... :wink:
it never fails. james always seems to notice those new little dents and dings in my car. hey. someone should have told me they moved the garage wall closer to my car. yeah. that actually happened today. bummer, huh?! lol..... really. it's okay. i was going verrry slow. happened when i was pulling into the garage. i checked. my ride's okay. the wall? um. not so much. lol... itty bitty dent in the sheetrock. oh well. lol...

other things i know?
the phone always rings when i am in the shower. are there cameras in my house that i don't know about? how does everyone know when i'm in the shower?
it never fails. if there is chocolate in my house, i will eat it. un-huh (just picture me snappin' my fingers here girlfriend). you know.....the 'oh no you ditent' snap.
the last thing i know? eesh. i really don't know many things. lol... i must go and put my children to bed. weeeeeee! i was going to scrap. but instead i will be doing birthday party prep things. humpf. lol...

it's easter!

at least at our house. just downloaded the pics we took on easter day. here are just a few.

truth...or dare.

i'll take the dare. i'm a risk taker. though this one really isn't all that 'daring'. so no prob! lol.. the best gift i ever got? i have two answers to this one. one time (before kids...ahhh...yes...before kids)....james surprised me with a couple nights at a b & b in mendocino. it was totally spur of the moment (for my birthday). we just got in the car and took off. had an absolutely fabulous weekend. miss the days when we were more carefree. now it's not quite as easy to get in the car and go. too much 'kid' paraphanalia.

the other best gift that comes immediately to mind....when i receive money. sounds greedy, i know. but that way i can buy whatever it is i need at the time. my mom is notorious for giving me money for my birthday (and even sometimes at christmas) tucked away inside of a box. i usually buy scrapping supplies. sometimes i put the money into our account and use it to pay bills. sometimes i don't. sometimes i take us out to eat. just depends on what i'm after at the time.

james usually nails birthday gifts and christmas. so i always look forward to gifts from him. he knows me best. out of every single person in my life. he would never ever buy me a disney movie. thank god for that. i HATE disney movies. he would never buy me cutsie 'animal' things. dude. just because i love animals doesn't mean i want a bunch of cutsie animal crap all over my house! lol....hmmm.....i sound a bit pissed off. :wink: really i'm not.

coming down from the adreneline rush.

that's how i feel. with everything we had going on here....i finally just now feel like i am coming down from the adreneline rush. and i'm tired. so tired. i don't feel like scrapping. i sit. i produce nothing. i end up watching my ipod. i need to jazz things up. just don't have the energy. i should go to bed early. but i never do. it's a never-ending vicious cycle. ~sigh~ and it's about to get crazier. t ball game tomorrow (late one). t ball game on sat. sun i'm trying to hook up with a friend (she needs some TLC). i'm getting ready for E's party. menu planning, deciding what kind of cake (size, etc). whatever i make has to be easily transportable since his party is not at our house but instead at jump man jump. all the food items have to be cold (no way to keep anything hot at jump man jump). food has to be easily transportable too. i think i've got a pretty good menu planned. good stuff for the kids AND the adults. and something i will actually be able to eat. i'll just forego the cake/cupcakes. bummer. lol...

went and bought some things today. trying to get organized. i'm going to do a tall round cake (four layers). E wants chocolate. woot! that's my boy. i'm going to fondant the cake. hope it turns out. i'll also make cupcakes (some white) for the freaks of the world who don't like chocolate. surprised me when i ealized there are actually some people who don't like chocolate. freaks. :wink:

my mom flies in on the day of the party (21st). next friday we have a t ball game then immediately after a birthday party for E's little girlfriend ashley to go to. that day happens to be E's actual birthday (the 20th) then sat is his party. finally found a little something small for E for us to get him (along with the razor scooter). it's gonna be fun to watch him ride his scooter (and i may even ride it too). they're fun. next time i take the boys to the park i'll put alexander's bike in my car and E's scooter and off we'll go. i can sit and hang easily keeping them both in my sights and they can have 'some' freedom!

back to the party...hope i'm planning enough food. got another RSVP today. i'm bummed E's best friend jacob can't come (he has a farm game the night of the party). so to make up for it, shelley, jacob, james, alexander and i are going to take E out to lunch on his actual birthday. so E can have some special time with jacob.

now i should go finish up dinner. the boys are playing outside. they are insane. it's freezing cold. biting cold. brrrrrrrrrrrrrr. i'm warm inside. wearing my fleece jams. yes. i'm already in my jams. what does that tell you? lol....

what kimberly needs

sleep
a vacation
to be satisfied. things are good. why am i always searching for.....well....SOMETHING?!
more sleep. the kind where you stay up late, go to bed, don't wake up 8 zillion times during the night and get to sleep in in the morning until you're not tired anymore.....not when two adorable little boys stomping down the stairs.
okay...yeah..i know...not how this blog challenge is supposed to work. okay. here's what i found when i googled my name + needs.

apparently li'l kim needs to shut up. heh.
When she takes a picture, Kimberly needs to know exactly how much light will reach the film. i can always use photography tips.
Sally argues that Kimberly has been living a lie, so the truth may overwhelm her and make her even more insecure. it's like sally really knows me. lol.. am i living in a harlequin romance novel? and no. i have never really read one.
Silly Kimberly needs all five of her riders around her at all times! um...not even going to try and guess what this is about! lol.. but i sure could use five people around. my house needs to be cleaned. laundry needs to be done. this is always breakfast, lunch and dinner to be made. ~sigh~ hey. a girl can dream, right?!

there is too much sadness in the world.

spent some time with a friend today...a friend who is very sad. i wish i could make her feel better. i really do.

instead of going to bed...or scrapping....i'm watching deadliest catch. i am so fascinated with this show. stems from my time living in fort bragg, of good times....of dating timothy, a guy who was in the coast guard. i have always loved boats....been fascinated by the ocean.....damn i miss the water. the beach. the smell. the mist. all of it.

my new do. (blog chall #12 is below this post)

short. sassy? james would say yes. lol... definitely different. and that can be a good thing. i'm just not sure if it is. yet. lol... it'll take me a few days to adjust.

in other news, FINALLY lost another pound. i'm down a total of 34. but it is so freaking slow now. so frustrating. but i'm sticking with it. i want to lose a minimum of 14 more. doesn't sound like much. but when you're losing one pound every three freaking weeks it sounds like a lifetime!!!

blog challenge #12

my name. hmmm. not very exciting. kimberly dawnay reed. i used to be kimberly dawnay beck. i said to myself, 'when i get married, i want a last name with more than one syllable.' humpf. lol... that didn't happen!

my mom liked the name megan. my dad didn't. they somehow compromised and named me kimberly. my dad made up my middle name. and that's that. see? not very exciting. not wild about 'kimberly' because everyone automatically calls me kim which i absolutely detest. lol.. i'm pretty sure you all know that. :wink: if i could have been named something else? no clue. i can tell you james' best friend scott...his last name is genevish. i did want his last name. lol.. not to marry 'him'...just really like his last name! lol... but hey. what can ya do. i fell for a reed. :wink:

the truth comes out.

i do in fact own a piper arrow. james and i, and my brother and his wife went in together and bought this plane several years ago. not the best pic. this is it during its yearly inspection by our AP (mechanic). i have other much better pics. just don't have any of 'em on the computer and i'm too lazy to go dig through all the pre-digital unorganized pics to get something better. what's my lie you ask? i don't fly it. i have flown it......i went to ground school and was in the process of getting my pilot's license. but i didn't finish. i may at some point, log the required hours, take my check ride and get my license. i may not. james is a pilot. my brother is a pilot. my dad is also a pilot. it's fun. it's the most amazing high when landing a small plane. i think that's the best part. also taking off...what a rush. that moment when you pull back....you're up in the air....that feeling of suspension....
















i did climb lovers leap and yes, i am afraid of heights. i'm glad i did it. i was not happy at the time...lol....i really am very afraid of heights.....but looking back i'm really glad i did it. have no pic for this one...again...too lazy to go dig through the pre-digital pics and scan something.

and yeah baby. i most definitely kissed a dolphin! i swam with the dolphins during our last trip to kona (hmm...two years ago this summer). it was something i always wanted to do. it was SO awesome!

make a liar out of me. go on. do it.

blog challenge #11. make three statements. two are true. one is not. can you guess which one isn't?

1. i own (and fly) a piper arrow (four-seater retract plane).
2. i have climbed lovers leap (a multi-pitch climb) yet i am afraid of heights.
3. i have kissed a dolphin right on the lips.

bad bad kimberly!

it's sunday. know how many times we went out to eat this weekend? three. that's a lot!! bad bad bad for my weight loss plan. bad. not even sure i want to get on the scale on wed!!! eeesh. we haven't gone out to eat that much in a long long time. we were feeling lazy. and i needed to go the store but didn't make it yet. we had a weekend full of t ball. opening ceremonies, a game and then practice. and we spent a bit of time down at the hospital with my father in law. he's still there. going on a week now.

ever have that feeling like you're forgetting something? that's how i feel right now. like i'm supposed to be somewhere else doing something else. like i'm supposed to go somewhere tomorrow but i can't remember where. hate that!

the wind was horrible here today. i hate wind. howling wind. hate hate hate it. it's still blowing out there right now. it was miserable at practice today. the kids did well....i'm surprised some of 'em didn't get picked up and literally blown away. hope the wind goes away and it gets a little warmer this week. one thing i'm looking forward to? when summer finally gets here i get to buy some new clothes. that actually fit. everything i own is now too big. all my jeans are held up by belts. when i undo the belt my jeans literally fall off. don't even have to unbutton or unzip them! hey. i'm not complaining. well...lol...i am...but you know. i would rather my pants fall off than be fat. need to remind myself of that next time i'm tempted to go sneak a bite of something i shouldn't have having.

now to get my big buns off my laptop and go and do something. boys are almost done with their bath.

a shout out to my girl shandy!

yeah. she's my girl. ;) lol.... shandy is one of the nicest people ever. she was kind enough to make my blog banner! woot! she rocks. she's a fab digi scrapper. she's a whiz on the computer. check out her blog here: http://johnandshandy.blogspot.com/
and her digi blog here: http://digitizedcreations.blogspot.com/
shandy sometimes has freebies on her digi blog. she's a generous person! shandy is swass. yeah baby. that's right. swass. lol..... shandy, make sure you tell john he really IS bringing back swass. lol... the two of you are some cool dudes. swass baby.

thank you shandy!!

i should be scrapping!

blog challenge #10: tell you about something i collect. honestly? i can think of only one thing i collect. christmas ornaments. whenever we travel we always seem to find a christmas store (and it's never christmas time). so we started buying an ornament from each place we travel to. i love christmas. and i love going into christmas stores. which is just odd because i hate to shop. it's kind of fun at chrismtas because when we decorate the tree we get to reminisce about our trips...what we did...where we were....what our lives were like at that time...this post would be much better with a pic or two but i don't have any pics of those specific ornaments (just our christmas trees in general). so instead i'll make you suffer through some random pics i came across tonight while i was looking for something else.

love me a b & w pic. this is alexander the last time we were in mendo (feb 2007). it blows me away because below i posted three pics of him when he was only three months old! seriously mind-tripping how much he has changed and how fast he is growing up.


























one of my fave pics of james and E. E is almost 3 here. first time we took him ice skating.

random nothings.

is it possible for my kids to literally drive me insane? i think it is. because they are. what am i going to do all summer when E is out of school? eeeeks. there won't be enough swimming lessons, soccer or other physical activities to keep him from going stir crazy therefore driving me absolutely over the edge! oy.

my father-in-law is in the hospital. no clue when he will get out. they don't even know what is wrong with him. well, they know some of the things (and they are being addressed and treated) but they think there is something underlying going on. that is what has them mystified.

E's first t ball game of the season is saturday. opening ceremonies are at 11:00 and then his game at 3:00. yippy for us. we get to go back twice. lol..

E turns 6 next month. we finally decided what we will do for his birthday. he wants to go to jump man jump. i have reserved (and paid for) the party. my mom flies in the day of the party. i need to plan the menu, figure out what to get him (we already got him a razor scooter) but want to get him something else too, send out the invites (but first E needs to decide whom from his class he wants to invite)......a surprisingly difficult task for a five-almost-six-year-old.

i still have noting creative flowing out of me. and it's seriously pissing me off. wth? well i know the cause...but come on.....things are calming down...why am i not able to reach in and pull out something absolutely fab?? humpf. i should go sit at my desk now. james is playing with the boys and i have about 15 free minutes. but instead, here i sit. lol... dinner cooked. dishes done. laundry folded.....alexander's bed made...he wet the bed last night :( oliver's ear cleaned...poor dog has yet another ear infection....alexander's clothes all clean and put away...dogs fed....maybe i should watch a movie tonight. try to quit forcing the creativity. it will return. at some point....

this is what i need.

sleep.
more sleep.
chocolate ice cream or a chocolate milk shake. a really good one.
permission (from myself) to eat like i used to. just for a day or two. but that ain't happening.
a break. from the mundane.
for the scale to say i lost weight when i get on on wednesday.
for my kids to quit being grouchy.
for E to get better (he's sick for the umteenth time since startking kindergarten).
for alexander to take a long nap today.
to get over this serious whatever it is. things are good and i just need to get over it.
for my car to be fixed (leaky/low tire and leak in the transmission seal).
for james to be rested. and well.
to feel like scrapping.


blog challenge #8: to use a blog entry and create a LO. no prob. was just thinking about doing that yesterday actually. there is one entry that pretty much sums things up. so. when i start to feel like scrapping again (i will...right?...feel like scrapping again?)...
then i'll do that LO.

i've got just the thing to cheer you up.

yes. this is my wedding. i love the dress. EXCEPT the big poofy shoulders. omg....what was i? a football player??? sheesh! lol..

i dated this guy who was in the coast guard. right before he left for bootcamp he took these 'sexy' pics of me to take with him. HAAAAAAAA! omg...the hair....the make up...the pink...i used to wear, get this...nothing but pink!!!


check me out yo! it's not so much the cheerleader outfit (yes i was in fact a cheerleader)...it's more the hair. can you see the side pony??? eeeeeeew!!














do you just love my peach colored dress??? GAG. actually all these pics together (dontcha just dig my hair)? can you say perm???? obviously i could. and yo. that is the dress my mom made me wear the second time she got married. yeah. thanks for that mom.

documenting my day.

woke up to alexander having wet the bed. :( poor little boy was very upset. so i'm washing everything! and i already had taken ethan's laundry downstairs. poor kid is almost out of clean clothes. then there's always dishes. made the boys waffles for breakfast. still haven't done the dishes. hey. i've got all day. i would take this kind of norm any time over the last few days so i'm not complaining. it's nice just to be even semi-normal. the pics look like crap...sorry about that. i normally edit everything. but alexander is using the computer upstairs and i don't have any photo editing software on my laptop. so...you get crappy pics! they weren't great to begin with. i'm sort of feeling lackluster and didn't want to sit there looking for the perfect shot of my 10 loads of laundry. lol... so it is what it is! i am going to go do stuff now. i have lots of 'stuff' i need to do!!

seriously??? seriously.

my mom calls. i'm being polite but not letting her in. why bother. so i'm about to hang up and she says, "you sound subdued." ya fucking think?!!!! seriously? this is what she says? i mean get a fucking clue. seriously.

just had to get that out. now i'm better.

i need sleep.

two days have passsed. two days. these days have been better than monday.

i have some projects i need to get done. problem is? i don't feel like doing them. i actually do not feel like scrapping. um...that's kind of a problem. so i'm going to sit at my desk tonight. and try to scrap. whatever comes out comes out. sometimes it takes me a page or two to get something i like. especially when i feel like this. which i have been feeling like for oh...i don't know...quite a while now. i just scrap through the crap. get it out. and eventually something strikes me and i can make something work. i did create this art journal page several days ago. i think it's appropriate. the journaling is long but really fits how i'm feeling.

create. not everything must be a masterpiece. the more you create the more your style will evolve, the more ideas you will have. it's okay not to absolutely love everything you make. create from what is within you. experiment...try new things. don't try so hard. let it go. don't stress and it will come to you. if you are struggling it's not right for you. it's all part of the learning and creative process. give yourself permission to let it come out. whatever it is. creativity may seem fleeting but it is always within you. the secret is knowing how to tap into it. play with an idea. if some of it works keep it. get rid of what doesn't. as long as you see something you like keep working it. when you don't, stop. don't force it. it is okay to take a break. long or short. my message is this: BE INSPIRED. create often and freely. be real. be true to yourself. believe in yourself. see the possibilities and then make them happen.

the page is based on a Natasha Wescoat painting and was in response to a challenge at scrapgal.

i can't seem to sleep through the night. or even barely at all for that matter. my sleep is not restful. it is restless. makes for long nights. guess i should go get some pics ready for scrapping. i have none at the moment ready for use. i guess that would be the first set in getting back into scrapping, eh?

and now i am home.

i'm pretty sure today has been the longest day of my life. at least in recent history. actually for the past few weeks my days have been full of long days. but today was....it was....almost other worldly. surreal. but now i am home. the boys are tucked in safe. they have their mommy back. grandma is back at home. isn't it strange how one day can feel like a week? or longer? i swear....the day isn't even quite over yet it feels like it happened a lifetime ago.

and so it is done.
the end of indecision.
the decision has been made.
it is the end of indecision and the beginning of living with the consequences, hoping the right choice has been made. because there is no going back.

today has just been the most incredibly difficult day. you can't even imagine.

while you can be a couple with someone, no matter what you are going through you ultimately end up going through it alone. at some point you are separated. yes...you come back together after it's done...but for that period....you are alone. one of you here and the other of you there. one experiencing one side and the other the other. each alone. did i mention that today has absolutely been one of the most suckiest horrible days of my life? well it was. and god how i tried to keep it away from the boys. to not let this touch them absolutely any more than it had to.

our lives have been forever changed today. for better? for worse? what more is to come our way? i don't even want to think about it. not today. i just can't.

i have never in my life ever felt so alone as i did today. i am independent. i do not like relying on anyone for anything. well...except for james for technical stuff. but come on. it's technical stuff and i suck at it. but for everything else? i am self-reliant. i've just had to become that. but sometimes i feel like it would be nice to have people there to help support me. i am sure to someone who doesn't really know me this post may seem dramatic. even cryptic. yes something is clearly happening here. and i'm not saying what. i'm just trying to work through all the craziness. to sort it out. it's hard.

ever wonder if you're strong enough for a situation? well if you ask me, there is no way to know until you're actually in a particular situation. you deal with what comes. when it's happening you do what you have to to get through it. you feel so much isolation, loneliness, helplessness, and many more emotions. you struggle to find your way out of the drowning sea of all that is coming at you. and you do. one way or the other you do. you have to.

i should be in bed. i am truly exhausted. i have never felt my body shake like i did today. seriously. and to know that it may not be over. but hoping that for now...at least for now....that it is. so that we have time to regroup before being hit with anything else.

i couldn't wait to get home and just hold my boys. i needed them tonight. and they needed me. they had a rough day too.

.....crazy talk......

this LO was for my challenge at ScrapGal yesterday.
the challenge was to use gel medium on a LO OR make journaling the focal point of a LO. i did a LO for both but only feel like posting this one. the LO is meant to be simple with mellow colors (love that 7 Gs pp). really wanted the focus to be on the journaling but i do love the semi-muted color the pp gives the page.

the day is not playing out how i imagined it would heh. there's a surprise. today was to be my sleep in day. i'm tired. and it's my own fault. the only time i have to just be, or to create, is late at night when everyone is asleep. so i stay up late every single night. well i can feel myself dragging. more than usual. so james was going to take the boys out this morning. um....didn't quite work out. lol... alexander is not feeling well so he's clinging to me. with a death grip. so james and E are off hunting for rocks. let the back yard landscaping season begin. omg how i hate working in the back yard. so anyway...i was going to go get some groceries. we're out of food. but alexander is being so difficult i don't even think i will venture out of the house!!!

so instead i will post a LO, take a shower and try to get some things done around here i guess. whatever i do i will just try to keep myself busy. need to do that to get through the next few days.

today is my mom's birthday. happy birthday mom. if you weren't on the coast enjoying a quick weekend getaway i would call you. maybe i'll have the boys sing you happy birthday and leave that message for you for when you get back. you need a cell phone.

people say they will be there and help you when you need it but when it comes right down to it, they just don't. you ultimately end up handling things totally on your own. they are busy with their own lives and though their intentions might be good when it comes down to it it just doesn't happen. they think they've volunteered. gave it a galant effort. so it's all good. well i'm not so sure about that.

on one hand if i forget about what is happening life can seem normal. but if i even let myself think even for a second it's almost too much to handle. overload. so now i'm going to get off the computer and go do something. something to keep my mind busy.

dude. nice hair.

did this today in about 10 minutes. totally jen harrison inspired. doh. it's bam pop. but i wanted to do something totally out of character for me. this is clean. there is no paint. but i dig it. i actually really like me some bam pop. i should use it more. btw, that's ethan when he was about three and a half. omg he was SO cute. now he's handsome. at five (he'll be six next month) now he looks so grown up. i love this pic. so totally ethan.

i'm trying to get my groove back on. i can't scrap worth a crap lately!! i know it has to do with what's going on here (take a deep breath) but $#%& it's pissing me off!!!! lol....

okay. now on to shandy's challenge (#4). what do i do when i don't think anyone is watching? hmmm. that's a tough one. pick my nose? um...no. lol..... actually i look at myself in the mirror. not because i think i'm beautiful. i look at me and try to see myself the way other people see me. sometimes when i look in the mirror i see someone who is sad. sometimes i see someone who is happy. sometimes i see someone who looks old and i say to myself, holy crap! who is that?! sometimes i see someone who is tired. no make that always. and instead of going to bed now i'm going to go watch the holiday. woot. and eat popcorn with nothing on it. i've got snack fever SO bad today. didn't help that i took the boys to krispy kreme this morning. they so needed to get out. i didn't even eat a donut. but boy did i want one! anyway...off for my movie!

where does the time go?

i blink and two days have gone by. yet they seem like such long days. how does that work anyway?

shandy has taken over the blog challenge at scrapgal (http://www.scrapgal.com/). if i wasn't so lazy i would make that link look better. her question today is 'was there ever a fad i had to be a part of'. i would say in high school that was a big deal to me. but as i've gotten older i just don't care. i'm pretty much a loner. and i pretty much don't care what people think. i'm not anit-social, just do my own thing. sometimes people see that as being too out of the norm. sometimes i think people receive me as being anti-social, but i'm not. shy...yes. anti-social...no. ~raises eyebrows and rolls eyes~ i really do just do my own thing. it's better that way.

i've been neglecting my blog.

doesn't seem like there is enough time in the day. sometimes i just don't make it here. i'm semi taking part in a blog challenge at scrapgal. yesterday's prompt (hence the semi taking part part)...10 things that make me happy. these are in no particular order.

1. sleep (good uninterrupted don't wake up once during the night kind of sleep)
2. scrapping. a GOOD got it goin' on kind of scrap.
3. chocolate
4. my husband and children
5. the ocean
6. travel
7. good friends
8. painting (oil on canvas)
9. cuddles, belly, lovey and kisses
10. freedom (the ability to go and do things)...it becomes more difficult once you have children

i've been thinking.

it's when things get crazy that we appreciate the mundane in our lives. life is fleeting. it takes a second......less than a second.......to change our lives forever. i am fully aware of this. and i fully appreciate that today was a normal day. no unexpected things happened. there is much to be said for this.

now, given what i just said, i seem to find myself in a sort of funk. yes. again. i can't even scrap. and it sucks ass. i'm just not feelin' it.

one thing i wish for? to stay up as late as i want and to sleep in as late as i want. but that will never happen. that's just not my life right now. i'm just pretty darn tired of feeling like i'm always running out of time. no time to scrap (unless the kids are in bed...unless the things i 'must' do are done). i'm always just fitting things in. makes it hard to be truly free and creative. at least if you ask me. which no one did. but suffer. lol.. it's my blog.

let me just say again how much i do appreciate that nothing bad happened today. i really do. i just wish i could hope for a little bit more than that in my life. some pure joy. some exhileration. some....well...something more. i am not trying to be ungrateful. i appreciate what i have and i appreciate every day that is not filled with fear and worry. i just one day hope to have more than that in any given day.

down 33 lbs.

progress is sooooooooooooooooooooooo slow. i'm doing my best to be patient. down a total of 33 lbs. woot! only prob is...it now takes two weeks to lose what i used to be able to lose in one! SO frustrating!!! i must stick with it. i must stick with it. i must stick with it. think that'll help??? lol...

i'm an idiot.

i really am an idiot. i actually thought my mom might offer to help me with something. something i once offered to help her with. well i was wrong. instead i got the 'it's all about me' thing. why is it that everything i talk to her about ends up ultimately being about her, how she's already gone through that and this happend and that happened...and blah fucking blah. should i be surprised? absolutely not. just wishful thinking on my part that it might be different this time. oh well. lesson learned i guess. do not call my mom for support. it ain't gonna happen.

just turned off A Good Year. can you say boring??? omg. seriously. total bummer too. i needed a movie to take my mind away. so much for that. i could scrap. but i feel too tired. i just wanted to zone and forget. to not think. guess i'll go to bed. i do have an early 6:30 am wake up call. every single morning. but hey. i shouldn't complain. james gets up at 5:30. off to bed. hopefully the man turned on my heating pad so my little feet don't freeze. when is summer coming? so i can complain about being hot. you know...never happy....

the surreal life.

no. not the television show. my real life. that's how i've felt today. it's been one of those days that just doesn't seem real. but it is.

you know the one thing (only one? who am i kidding) that freaks me out? that i am the adult. that whatever is going on in my life, i still must be the mother to two little boys. that no matter how crappy, tired, scared or whatever i happen to feel i still have to function and care for my children. are you serious? wow. um. just how do i do that? AND not lose my patience. that's the really hard part.

3 current LOs.

did these 3 LOs for the ScrapGal march newsletter.

'free spirit' was done to go along with my article (a technique-driven blurb) about how to sand, paint and journal right on a pic. not an original idea but one that hadn't been done (at least to my knowledge) in the SG newsletter. the LO has no patterned paper or cardstock.

'savor the beauty' is one of my fave pics from our trip to mendo. there is something about a black and white pic. especially one of the ocean. i dig how i photoshopped the pic. good deep contrast.

'savor every moment' is also a pic i took while in mendocino. it's actually a pretty good pic of the boys. love it. anyway, these three LOs were fun. i especially love 'savor the beauty'. there is something about the yellow color (james calls it the mustard page) with the black and white pic and the black swirly stamps (which are rhonna farrer stamps btw).

and why in the hell my LOs look like crap on blogger i'll never understand. is it photobucket? is it blogger? whatever it is it pisses me off. lol... ~sigh~ if i wasn't such a computer retard my LOs would post right.

so this is where i sit on a friday night. the boys are having a treat (they are watching spongebob) with james. i think i'll watch a flick tonight. or scrap. got new goodies from scrapgal today. woot!! happy weekend.

mommy, i have a treat for you!

yeah....um....those words scare the crap out of me!!!!!!! lol.. i was in the kitchen and E comes running downstairs (he's naked because he's getitng ready to take a bath). i was making hot cocoa for james and the boys (we had just gone sledding)...check out the pics....anyway...so E says to me, "Mommy, i have a treat for ya!" so i say, "you do, what is it?" he turns around and wiggles his butt at me and says, "It's some butt." seriously. this is SO my child. lol...

so today we've received oh...a foot, well more like 15 inches of snow (so far and it's still coming down). and dudes. it's the END of february!! of course it fits right in with how it works around here. t ball has started. so of course it should snow. anyway...so james is outside shoveling the driveway (it's about 8:30 pm) and the boys are playing in the snow. they holler for me to come outside. i'm wearing my jams so i grab my boots, a hat, some gloves and my fleece and go outside. james decided we should sled. so we did. it was SO much fun! i hauled some serious ass down the hill! omg....i ate so much snow and was seriously covered when i got to the bottom. i actually thought i was going to jump the path and continue on down the second hill!!!!!!!! it was a blast!!! of course i made james go first (to make sure i wasn't going to die). he didn't. so i got on. so much fun!

350 pics (give or take).

on our trip to mendocino i took about 350 pictures. seriously. i love to just watch my kids camera ready. like seriously up to my eye ready. at least for a few minutes. then i join in the fun myself. i love capturing the boys doing whatever it is they are doing (or not doing). now i have so many yummy, fun, quirky pictures to choose from. here are just a couple. and yes. i realize the pic of alexander is blurry. but i don't care. i love it.

got my brows waxed today. i have this to say about that. OUCH. after that went and got a massage. it's been i don't know, four or five years since i've had a massage. it was good. i'm not really fond of strangers touching me but it felt good to have someone rub my shoulders and back. because they hurt. a lot. and my wrist too. so thank you james (that was his anniversary gift to me...um....almost a year ago). and yeah...i'm just now using it. what can i say.

not really sure if i'm digging my 'oh i'm so surprised' eyebrows. yes, i wanted them more under control. but...um....she may have gone a little overboard.

i say this to myself each night before i go to sleep.
good things are going to happen.
stay positive.
be strong.
believe.
i'm trying really hard to change my way way bad frame of mind (of late).

it's the little things.

went to starbucks yesterday after taking E to school. placed our order (me and alexander). ended up getting our drinks for free. woot! sbx was having some sort of trouble with their cash registers and everything was frozen up. i was planning on using my sbx card (thank you james)...but hey. register not working? no can do. i even offered to pay with cash (rare event i actually had some). but they said no. hey. cool deal.

something i've been thinking about the last few days....steve brown. barely knew him. my dad pits for him at the air races (well, used to)....he died a few days ago in a plane crash....but that's how i met him. he took his race plane out for a flight (Tonopah Low) and never came back. they discovered his crashed plane with his body inside. hits home. james is a pilot. my dad is a pilot. my brother is a pilot. i'm very sad for his wife dena.

UHU baby.

okay. so i took advantage of the 'try our product' thing. got me some UHU (glue stick and glue roller). gave 'em a try. LOVE the glue stick. um...the glue roller? not so much. but i'm sure it's user error. i use the tab dispenser (because i am too retarded to use any type of glue roller). i'm sure it's just me. anyway, the glue stick rocks. definitely a strong bond.

if you want to check out the product (and see if the offer is still good) go to maria filosa's blog.

http://www.mariafilosa.com/?p=1

i just love little surprises.

especially when they're for my kids and there is no other reason other than someone loves my kids that they are sending them something. elizabeth sent the boys a valentine's day package. how great is that? nothing extrvagant. yet it was perfect. it's this kind of thing that restores my view of the human species. seriously.

on another note, james, if you happen to read this, just want you to know my valentine's day was perfect. yes we took the boys with us to dinner. but i don't care. it was good. love me some starbucks and you know it. that was the perfect thing to give me because it's something i can actually use! the roses are beautiful. and....well.....you know....the 'other' present.....love that too!

eesh.

i'm having trouble getting anything done! i'm stuck on a LO. hate that. i've walked away. i actually really like the LO up to this point. but....well....it needs...more. just not sure what that more is. well, actually i know it needs journaling. and i want to write...sloppy...wild....but not in left to right format, not in a square box...so i'm having trouble visualizing the end journaling result. humpf. i'll be at my desk tonight...lol...working! then maybe sneak in a little grey's (when the house is quiet). i'll curl up under a blanket and get dishy! woot! lol...

and on that note, the boys are on their way upstairs to brush teeth. time to put the munchkins to beddy bye. and shortly thereafter their father. he's tired too.

i'm back.

the trip was many things one of which was way too short. it was good. one day it rained and i didn't care. the other day it was beautiful, sunny and absolutely wonderful. it was great to spend time with mike, kathryn, ash and em. the boys were angels on the drive (there and back). they were good the whole time actually. it was awesome that E had ash to play with and alexander had em.

this is all of us (except james who took the pic) in the hot tub. yeah baby. it was awesome.

ethan has a girlfriend! ethan has a girlfriend! hehhehheh. this is E and ash. they were inseparable during the trip which was awesome.

E and alexander. this was taken in the back yard at the house we rented. this cool-looking shack. i got some awesome pics. it was so great to stumble upon some FAB new places to take pics. so freaking awesome.

me and the zan man.

me and the E man. he was cold. i was warming him up until daddy got back with the towels (they were in the truck).

alexander. hey. doesn't everyone wear their batman boxers at the beach?

we spent some time at big river beach. it was beautiful.

whenever we go to the ocean it seems like i always get a pic of E running on the beach. this trip was no different.

down 30 lbs. count 'em. 30!!

woot! yesterday was weigh in day. and i have now lost a total of 30 lbs. and it rocks. all of my clothes are too big. all of them. and i'm happy about it. i seriously doubt i'll stay on track this weekend. i mean come on. we're going to my fave restaurant in the whole world. a girl's gotta live a little now and then. but i'll get back on track as soon as we leave mendo.

i'm just damned excited about losing the weight. i hope to go down one more size. it may take a while. the progress really has slowed down (even though i'm not eating more). one week i lose one lb. the next none. then the next two. but hey. as long as it keeps going down it's all good.

okay. i know i just posted. but i wanted to come back and post something positive. i'm going to try to come to the frame of mind that good things are coming my way.

i am in a serious funk.

not even sure i'd call it a funk. it's a mood. and a bad bad one. i just feel bad. yes. there is a reason. but it's not simple. all i know is i just feel like all the joy and happiness has recently been sucked out of my life. just when i start to feel a little better i remember the reality of things and i feel depressed all over again. i'm not even as excited about this weekend getaway as i normally would be. the joy has been sucked from my life. at least for now. i'm sure it will come back. i'll take everything in, assess things.....figure out how i feel about all of it and then move on. nothing else to do.

i seriously am not normally this much of a downer. and i'm sure once i sort through all of this madness i'll feel better and be more back to normal. so for a bit....just bear with all my negativity. i need somewhere to put it for now and this is it.

we're off in the morning to mendo. the ocean. something i miss each and every day. the peace. the enormity. the smell of the air. the waves crashing. just being there. not doing anything in particular. but just being there. hopefully i'll come back in a much better state of mind. hey. a girl can hope. i bet my husband hopes too.

the last two days?

seriously.
can i just erase them from existence?
wouldn't that be nice?

now on to something happy. only two more days until we leave for mendocino.
and now i'm going to bed.

okay. change of plans.

kathryn and mike are joining us on our quick weekend getaway. WOOT! it's going to be a blast! now we're leaving friday instead of saturday. suits me. i get to go to the ocean one day sooner. i couldn't be happier. i changed the reservations. now we just need to decide whether to leave early am or wait and let E go to school on friday and leave at noon when he gets out.

i will be taking a ton of pics. a ton. seriously. and maybe i can find 5 minutes to sneak off and just sit by myself. sometimes i need to let out a little emotion. and prefer to do it without an audience. five more sleeps and we'll be leaving.

the two nights three days we are there will fly by. but maybe i won't have to wait almost three years between trips. yes. last time we went alexander was six months old. it will be a different trip this time.....alexander is such an amazing little boy. he's going to love it. both my kids love the ocean. just like their mom. and i love that we share that. i'm trying hard to convince E to become a marine biologist. that way whenever i go to see him (when he's all grown up) he'll need to live by the ocean. yup. that's my plan. lol...

some scrappage.

done for a SG challenge (take pics of you with things you love). then scrap the pics. this was from the online crop a couple weeks ago.

feb 10th can't come soon enough for me.

i just booked the house in mendo. we leave feb 1oth. and i can't wait. the smell of the ocean, the cool breeze, the crashing waves, the wharf, just getting away. seriously. i can't wait.