dude. nice hair.

did this today in about 10 minutes. totally jen harrison inspired. doh. it's bam pop. but i wanted to do something totally out of character for me. this is clean. there is no paint. but i dig it. i actually really like me some bam pop. i should use it more. btw, that's ethan when he was about three and a half. omg he was SO cute. now he's handsome. at five (he'll be six next month) now he looks so grown up. i love this pic. so totally ethan.

i'm trying to get my groove back on. i can't scrap worth a crap lately!! i know it has to do with what's going on here (take a deep breath) but $#%& it's pissing me off!!!! lol....

okay. now on to shandy's challenge (#4). what do i do when i don't think anyone is watching? hmmm. that's a tough one. pick my nose? um...no. lol..... actually i look at myself in the mirror. not because i think i'm beautiful. i look at me and try to see myself the way other people see me. sometimes when i look in the mirror i see someone who is sad. sometimes i see someone who is happy. sometimes i see someone who looks old and i say to myself, holy crap! who is that?! sometimes i see someone who is tired. no make that always. and instead of going to bed now i'm going to go watch the holiday. woot. and eat popcorn with nothing on it. i've got snack fever SO bad today. didn't help that i took the boys to krispy kreme this morning. they so needed to get out. i didn't even eat a donut. but boy did i want one! anyway...off for my movie!

where does the time go?

i blink and two days have gone by. yet they seem like such long days. how does that work anyway?

shandy has taken over the blog challenge at scrapgal (http://www.scrapgal.com/). if i wasn't so lazy i would make that link look better. her question today is 'was there ever a fad i had to be a part of'. i would say in high school that was a big deal to me. but as i've gotten older i just don't care. i'm pretty much a loner. and i pretty much don't care what people think. i'm not anit-social, just do my own thing. sometimes people see that as being too out of the norm. sometimes i think people receive me as being anti-social, but i'm not. shy...yes. anti-social...no. ~raises eyebrows and rolls eyes~ i really do just do my own thing. it's better that way.

i've been neglecting my blog.

doesn't seem like there is enough time in the day. sometimes i just don't make it here. i'm semi taking part in a blog challenge at scrapgal. yesterday's prompt (hence the semi taking part part)...10 things that make me happy. these are in no particular order.

1. sleep (good uninterrupted don't wake up once during the night kind of sleep)
2. scrapping. a GOOD got it goin' on kind of scrap.
3. chocolate
4. my husband and children
5. the ocean
6. travel
7. good friends
8. painting (oil on canvas)
9. cuddles, belly, lovey and kisses
10. freedom (the ability to go and do things)...it becomes more difficult once you have children

i've been thinking.

it's when things get crazy that we appreciate the mundane in our lives. life is fleeting. it takes a second......less than a second.......to change our lives forever. i am fully aware of this. and i fully appreciate that today was a normal day. no unexpected things happened. there is much to be said for this.

now, given what i just said, i seem to find myself in a sort of funk. yes. again. i can't even scrap. and it sucks ass. i'm just not feelin' it.

one thing i wish for? to stay up as late as i want and to sleep in as late as i want. but that will never happen. that's just not my life right now. i'm just pretty darn tired of feeling like i'm always running out of time. no time to scrap (unless the kids are in bed...unless the things i 'must' do are done). i'm always just fitting things in. makes it hard to be truly free and creative. at least if you ask me. which no one did. but suffer. lol.. it's my blog.

let me just say again how much i do appreciate that nothing bad happened today. i really do. i just wish i could hope for a little bit more than that in my life. some pure joy. some exhileration. some....well...something more. i am not trying to be ungrateful. i appreciate what i have and i appreciate every day that is not filled with fear and worry. i just one day hope to have more than that in any given day.

down 33 lbs.

progress is sooooooooooooooooooooooo slow. i'm doing my best to be patient. down a total of 33 lbs. woot! only prob is...it now takes two weeks to lose what i used to be able to lose in one! SO frustrating!!! i must stick with it. i must stick with it. i must stick with it. think that'll help??? lol...

i'm an idiot.

i really am an idiot. i actually thought my mom might offer to help me with something. something i once offered to help her with. well i was wrong. instead i got the 'it's all about me' thing. why is it that everything i talk to her about ends up ultimately being about her, how she's already gone through that and this happend and that happened...and blah fucking blah. should i be surprised? absolutely not. just wishful thinking on my part that it might be different this time. oh well. lesson learned i guess. do not call my mom for support. it ain't gonna happen.

just turned off A Good Year. can you say boring??? omg. seriously. total bummer too. i needed a movie to take my mind away. so much for that. i could scrap. but i feel too tired. i just wanted to zone and forget. to not think. guess i'll go to bed. i do have an early 6:30 am wake up call. every single morning. but hey. i shouldn't complain. james gets up at 5:30. off to bed. hopefully the man turned on my heating pad so my little feet don't freeze. when is summer coming? so i can complain about being hot. you know...never happy....

the surreal life.

no. not the television show. my real life. that's how i've felt today. it's been one of those days that just doesn't seem real. but it is.

you know the one thing (only one? who am i kidding) that freaks me out? that i am the adult. that whatever is going on in my life, i still must be the mother to two little boys. that no matter how crappy, tired, scared or whatever i happen to feel i still have to function and care for my children. are you serious? wow. um. just how do i do that? AND not lose my patience. that's the really hard part.

3 current LOs.

did these 3 LOs for the ScrapGal march newsletter.

'free spirit' was done to go along with my article (a technique-driven blurb) about how to sand, paint and journal right on a pic. not an original idea but one that hadn't been done (at least to my knowledge) in the SG newsletter. the LO has no patterned paper or cardstock.

'savor the beauty' is one of my fave pics from our trip to mendo. there is something about a black and white pic. especially one of the ocean. i dig how i photoshopped the pic. good deep contrast.

'savor every moment' is also a pic i took while in mendocino. it's actually a pretty good pic of the boys. love it. anyway, these three LOs were fun. i especially love 'savor the beauty'. there is something about the yellow color (james calls it the mustard page) with the black and white pic and the black swirly stamps (which are rhonna farrer stamps btw).

and why in the hell my LOs look like crap on blogger i'll never understand. is it photobucket? is it blogger? whatever it is it pisses me off. lol... ~sigh~ if i wasn't such a computer retard my LOs would post right.

so this is where i sit on a friday night. the boys are having a treat (they are watching spongebob) with james. i think i'll watch a flick tonight. or scrap. got new goodies from scrapgal today. woot!! happy weekend.

mommy, i have a treat for you!

yeah....um....those words scare the crap out of me!!!!!!! lol.. i was in the kitchen and E comes running downstairs (he's naked because he's getitng ready to take a bath). i was making hot cocoa for james and the boys (we had just gone sledding)...check out the pics....anyway...so E says to me, "Mommy, i have a treat for ya!" so i say, "you do, what is it?" he turns around and wiggles his butt at me and says, "It's some butt." seriously. this is SO my child. lol...

so today we've received oh...a foot, well more like 15 inches of snow (so far and it's still coming down). and dudes. it's the END of february!! of course it fits right in with how it works around here. t ball has started. so of course it should snow. anyway...so james is outside shoveling the driveway (it's about 8:30 pm) and the boys are playing in the snow. they holler for me to come outside. i'm wearing my jams so i grab my boots, a hat, some gloves and my fleece and go outside. james decided we should sled. so we did. it was SO much fun! i hauled some serious ass down the hill! omg....i ate so much snow and was seriously covered when i got to the bottom. i actually thought i was going to jump the path and continue on down the second hill!!!!!!!! it was a blast!!! of course i made james go first (to make sure i wasn't going to die). he didn't. so i got on. so much fun!

350 pics (give or take).

on our trip to mendocino i took about 350 pictures. seriously. i love to just watch my kids camera ready. like seriously up to my eye ready. at least for a few minutes. then i join in the fun myself. i love capturing the boys doing whatever it is they are doing (or not doing). now i have so many yummy, fun, quirky pictures to choose from. here are just a couple. and yes. i realize the pic of alexander is blurry. but i don't care. i love it.

got my brows waxed today. i have this to say about that. OUCH. after that went and got a massage. it's been i don't know, four or five years since i've had a massage. it was good. i'm not really fond of strangers touching me but it felt good to have someone rub my shoulders and back. because they hurt. a lot. and my wrist too. so thank you james (that was his anniversary gift to me...um....almost a year ago). and yeah...i'm just now using it. what can i say.

not really sure if i'm digging my 'oh i'm so surprised' eyebrows. yes, i wanted them more under control. but...um....she may have gone a little overboard.

i say this to myself each night before i go to sleep.
good things are going to happen.
stay positive.
be strong.
believe.
i'm trying really hard to change my way way bad frame of mind (of late).

it's the little things.

went to starbucks yesterday after taking E to school. placed our order (me and alexander). ended up getting our drinks for free. woot! sbx was having some sort of trouble with their cash registers and everything was frozen up. i was planning on using my sbx card (thank you james)...but hey. register not working? no can do. i even offered to pay with cash (rare event i actually had some). but they said no. hey. cool deal.

something i've been thinking about the last few days....steve brown. barely knew him. my dad pits for him at the air races (well, used to)....he died a few days ago in a plane crash....but that's how i met him. he took his race plane out for a flight (Tonopah Low) and never came back. they discovered his crashed plane with his body inside. hits home. james is a pilot. my dad is a pilot. my brother is a pilot. i'm very sad for his wife dena.

UHU baby.

okay. so i took advantage of the 'try our product' thing. got me some UHU (glue stick and glue roller). gave 'em a try. LOVE the glue stick. um...the glue roller? not so much. but i'm sure it's user error. i use the tab dispenser (because i am too retarded to use any type of glue roller). i'm sure it's just me. anyway, the glue stick rocks. definitely a strong bond.

if you want to check out the product (and see if the offer is still good) go to maria filosa's blog.

http://www.mariafilosa.com/?p=1

i just love little surprises.

especially when they're for my kids and there is no other reason other than someone loves my kids that they are sending them something. elizabeth sent the boys a valentine's day package. how great is that? nothing extrvagant. yet it was perfect. it's this kind of thing that restores my view of the human species. seriously.

on another note, james, if you happen to read this, just want you to know my valentine's day was perfect. yes we took the boys with us to dinner. but i don't care. it was good. love me some starbucks and you know it. that was the perfect thing to give me because it's something i can actually use! the roses are beautiful. and....well.....you know....the 'other' present.....love that too!

eesh.

i'm having trouble getting anything done! i'm stuck on a LO. hate that. i've walked away. i actually really like the LO up to this point. but....well....it needs...more. just not sure what that more is. well, actually i know it needs journaling. and i want to write...sloppy...wild....but not in left to right format, not in a square box...so i'm having trouble visualizing the end journaling result. humpf. i'll be at my desk tonight...lol...working! then maybe sneak in a little grey's (when the house is quiet). i'll curl up under a blanket and get dishy! woot! lol...

and on that note, the boys are on their way upstairs to brush teeth. time to put the munchkins to beddy bye. and shortly thereafter their father. he's tired too.

i'm back.

the trip was many things one of which was way too short. it was good. one day it rained and i didn't care. the other day it was beautiful, sunny and absolutely wonderful. it was great to spend time with mike, kathryn, ash and em. the boys were angels on the drive (there and back). they were good the whole time actually. it was awesome that E had ash to play with and alexander had em.

this is all of us (except james who took the pic) in the hot tub. yeah baby. it was awesome.

ethan has a girlfriend! ethan has a girlfriend! hehhehheh. this is E and ash. they were inseparable during the trip which was awesome.

E and alexander. this was taken in the back yard at the house we rented. this cool-looking shack. i got some awesome pics. it was so great to stumble upon some FAB new places to take pics. so freaking awesome.

me and the zan man.

me and the E man. he was cold. i was warming him up until daddy got back with the towels (they were in the truck).

alexander. hey. doesn't everyone wear their batman boxers at the beach?

we spent some time at big river beach. it was beautiful.

whenever we go to the ocean it seems like i always get a pic of E running on the beach. this trip was no different.

down 30 lbs. count 'em. 30!!

woot! yesterday was weigh in day. and i have now lost a total of 30 lbs. and it rocks. all of my clothes are too big. all of them. and i'm happy about it. i seriously doubt i'll stay on track this weekend. i mean come on. we're going to my fave restaurant in the whole world. a girl's gotta live a little now and then. but i'll get back on track as soon as we leave mendo.

i'm just damned excited about losing the weight. i hope to go down one more size. it may take a while. the progress really has slowed down (even though i'm not eating more). one week i lose one lb. the next none. then the next two. but hey. as long as it keeps going down it's all good.

okay. i know i just posted. but i wanted to come back and post something positive. i'm going to try to come to the frame of mind that good things are coming my way.

i am in a serious funk.

not even sure i'd call it a funk. it's a mood. and a bad bad one. i just feel bad. yes. there is a reason. but it's not simple. all i know is i just feel like all the joy and happiness has recently been sucked out of my life. just when i start to feel a little better i remember the reality of things and i feel depressed all over again. i'm not even as excited about this weekend getaway as i normally would be. the joy has been sucked from my life. at least for now. i'm sure it will come back. i'll take everything in, assess things.....figure out how i feel about all of it and then move on. nothing else to do.

i seriously am not normally this much of a downer. and i'm sure once i sort through all of this madness i'll feel better and be more back to normal. so for a bit....just bear with all my negativity. i need somewhere to put it for now and this is it.

we're off in the morning to mendo. the ocean. something i miss each and every day. the peace. the enormity. the smell of the air. the waves crashing. just being there. not doing anything in particular. but just being there. hopefully i'll come back in a much better state of mind. hey. a girl can hope. i bet my husband hopes too.

the last two days?

seriously.
can i just erase them from existence?
wouldn't that be nice?

now on to something happy. only two more days until we leave for mendocino.
and now i'm going to bed.

okay. change of plans.

kathryn and mike are joining us on our quick weekend getaway. WOOT! it's going to be a blast! now we're leaving friday instead of saturday. suits me. i get to go to the ocean one day sooner. i couldn't be happier. i changed the reservations. now we just need to decide whether to leave early am or wait and let E go to school on friday and leave at noon when he gets out.

i will be taking a ton of pics. a ton. seriously. and maybe i can find 5 minutes to sneak off and just sit by myself. sometimes i need to let out a little emotion. and prefer to do it without an audience. five more sleeps and we'll be leaving.

the two nights three days we are there will fly by. but maybe i won't have to wait almost three years between trips. yes. last time we went alexander was six months old. it will be a different trip this time.....alexander is such an amazing little boy. he's going to love it. both my kids love the ocean. just like their mom. and i love that we share that. i'm trying hard to convince E to become a marine biologist. that way whenever i go to see him (when he's all grown up) he'll need to live by the ocean. yup. that's my plan. lol...

some scrappage.

done for a SG challenge (take pics of you with things you love). then scrap the pics. this was from the online crop a couple weeks ago.

feb 10th can't come soon enough for me.

i just booked the house in mendo. we leave feb 1oth. and i can't wait. the smell of the ocean, the cool breeze, the crashing waves, the wharf, just getting away. seriously. i can't wait.

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

I am giddy with excitement. I sent an email to the dudes at sweetwater checking on a place to stay next weekend. It's a three bedroom house and it looks fab. hopefully i'll hear something tomorrow. hopefully james will get the dto so i can book the pad. i already bought the boys a new spongebob dvd for the long ass drive. yes. i'm going to let them watch spongebob. hey. you would too if you were going to have two kids in the car with you for six hours. but i don't care. we're going. and we will eat at the wharf. the best food on the planet. crunchy green salad. crab cocktail. lobster. stuffed petrale soul. oh crap...there is no way in hell i will stay within my WW points. but right now i don't care. i just want to go. and enjoy. sit on the beach. watch the boys play. hmmm...i must dig out the beach toys (the lake tahoe toys AND the other toys upstairs in E's closet). beach toys are a must for the trip. and kites. i can already smell the hot coffee (which i will drink while sitting on the beach). dude. it's not exactly roasting hot on the northern CA coast in feb. we will drink wine (maybe even champagne) since i like it so much better. the house has a hot tub. dude. we will take walks on the beach. we will go tide pooling. we will wander the quaint shops in the village. the boys can have ice cream. hmmm. we could take the kayaks and check out the sea caves. or just paddle down noyo. we will just get away. even if for only two nights. E will miss one day of school. but we need this.

every once in a while...

out of the blue someone surprises me. that happened yesterday. they gave me a little nudge. a little 'you can do it'. just what i needed. if it works out...great. if not....well...i can at least tell myself i tried. it will never happen if i take no action.

i really don't have much to say today.

alexander is still sick (but getting better).
E is now sick.
i'm hungry.
i'm going to kick some ass tonight (playing a game with james).
here's a LO. just because i feel like posting one.
hmmm...looks totally funky though. it's all grainy. WTF?! no time to fix. the pp really isn't ugly and grainy. now it's story time and get the munchkins to bed.

it's monday. def a monday.

met with E's teacher today after school to talk about his progress report. he's doing well. um....just needs a bit of work in the following directions dept. she says he follows directions well....when HE wants to. she said she has to spend too much time instructing/directing him. heh. join the club girlfriend.

there are several sections at which he meets the standards (for the end of the kindergarten year) and she said by the end of the year he will definitely exceed the standards.

there are a few sections at which he already exceeds the standards (for the end of the kindergarten year). WOOT. i'm happy about that. i was VERY worried i hadn't properly prepared him for school.

i have been working hard with him on his writing. now to work on the 'tude and taking responsibility for his actions. heh again. boys will be boys. he seems to only admit he's done soemthing he's not supposed to when he sees the teacher coming.

did a shitload of laundry today. that's always fun. NOT. i'm not cooking dinner (james called and said he's working late). i'll just fix something quick for the boys and i'll scrounge in the fridge. or eat more yogurt.

and oh yeah..james. i need more granola. i can't stop eating dannon light & fit yogurt (it's 1 point and only 60 calories). i eat that for lunch with some granola. SO yummy. maybe i'll eat an apple too. i always forget how good they taste until i take a bite of one of the kids' apples.

tonight i'm either scrapping or watching the devil wears prada. not sure which it's gonna be yet. i would do both but if it's a movie i haven't seen before i like to just watch it. i might watch desperate housewives on my ipod while i scrap.

oh yeah. did i mention both my kids are sick? yeah. good times. HA.

what does a little rum, some good friends...

and a wii equal??? a rocking awesome good time. yes. we geeked out and all played with james' wii last night. we bowled. we boxed. (and i kicked some ass)...lol... it was a late night and full of fun! the kids all played nicely together. the adults acted like kids...lol...(i didn't drink...not a good thing when trying to drop the weight). i made brownies (didn't eat any) but everyone else did. and it was just some good fun!

james now has a little video. of me. boxing. it was taken from behind. need i say more? when i find it james....i will delete it. you took waaaay too much pleasure in laughing at me. lol...

bummer.

no sledding for us today. alexander is sick. i was up with him a lot last night. did sign E up for t ball today. he loves it or we wouldn't be doing it again. james will coach and lucky me...well....i'm the team mom. again. it's a serious time commitment. and hard on alexander since he's too young to play and wants to really badly. anyway...we'll figure it out. that's what we do.

okay. feel like posting a LO. and it just happens to be one of me and alexander! it's one i did last weekend. i've scrapped since but the LOs i scrapped are for the SG newsletter and can't be posted yet. the heart idea is something i saw ashley wren do (she didn't use a pipe cleaner she used sequins) but i so dig the pipe cleaner.

kathryn, mike and the girls are coming for dinner. that should be fun! i'm baking brownies just for mike. and special cupcakes for me and kathryn (low-fat). the kids can have whichever thing they want.

now it's time for story, to settle the little zan man down (he coughs so much when he lays down)...it's time for his rest.

good thing i didn't tell E.

my father was a no show. alexander woke up sneezing and has a runny nose. so...being the nice person that i am.....STOP LAUGHING......i emailed my dad and told him zanzie is sick. my dad opted to not take a chance on becoming sick himself.

we're supposed to go sledding tomorrow. not sure if we'll still go if alexander isn't feeling any better. it would be fun. haven't seen kathryn for a couple of weeks. or the girls...ash and em...it would be fun to hang out at the cabin kreuger has. we'll see.

it's left over night. E is doing his homework as i sit here. i'm going to finish up the disc of grey's i have tonight. maybe watch devil wears prada. not sure if it's my kind of flick. do like meryl streep though.

now i'm off to help the zan man. poor little guys just isn't feelin' it today. :(

it would appear that...

my father is coming to my house tomorrow. briefly. but he's coming just the same. ~deep breath~ he's coming to the airport to pick up his wife so basically he's passing through. i won't tell the boys (because my family...coughMYBROTHER and SIL in PARTICULARcough have a bad habit of saying they will show up (with cousins) and then they don't show. that leaves me with a very upset E (he LOVES his cousins and doesn't get to see them often). so i won't say anything and if the grandpa shows up then E gets a little surprise. won't mean much to alexander. my dad will not hug the boys but will interact for about five min with E. not at all with alexander. hope we can find something to talk about. that's a tough one since i'm not an arson investigator, i don't 'love' trains and i'm not a pilot and therefore obsessed with airplanes.

surprise date night.

we all know i have issues with my kids. oh..well...wait. some of you probably DON'T know that. well i do. i have issues with leaving them for long periods....issues with taking them somewhere to be watched while i/we do other things. SO. james called auntie trish (his sister) and she came over tonight with her kids to our house. and james and i went out on a date. so so so so awesome. and so so so so needed.

we had a drink. some food. conversation. uh....hello. concept. no yelling at kids. no rushing to shovel food into our mouths so the kids don't get too bored. it was nice. i wore something other than my 'mom' uniform. we stopped at starbucks on the way home. it was just nice. hope to do it again sometime.

so james...thank you. i love you. i only wish it wasn't over so quickly.

seriously.

how do i stop this downward spiral of bad events/feelings that seem to be happening?

and what the hell happened last night? i have no clue.

i'm in a bad place. i know that. just not sure how to fix it.

this is what i have to say today.

if it doesn't happen now. it will later. keep trying.

sometimes.

sometimes i can't believe i have kids.
sometimes i don't remember life before them.
sometimes i want to scream.
sometimes i want to cry (for no apparent reason).
sometimes i want to run away.
sometimes i want to do nothing more than surround myself with cuddly warm little boys (two in particular).
sometimes i want to eat ice cream. no. make that most always.
sometimes i want to paint. sometimes i do.
sometimes i want to scrap. often i do.
sometimes i want to eat dark chocolate. no. make that always.
sometimes i want to go on a road trip. like now.
sometimes i want to just sleep. doesn't that sound nice?
sometimes i want to kiss my husband. so i do.
sometimes i want to give up. but i'm not going to.
sometimes i'm perfecty content. sometimes.....
here's a LO i did over the weekend.

vicious cycle!

i have got to stop this vicious cycle of staying up too late. i've had two dizzy spells today. actually i've had them on and off for the last couple of weeks maybe?? but the last couple of weeks i have really truly been exhausted! that coupled with not eating much...probably not the best combo! i've been eating enough..but just enough....this is the first time i've stuck to the 'lose weight' thing and i'm afraid to mess it up. i have such an addictive personality. it's all or nothing with me. so i'm choosing to not go with 'all'.

i took a nap with ethan today. slept for an hour. sweet. but the problem? now i won't be ready for bed tonight at what should be (and probably is for most people) a normal bedtime. maybe i'll stay up for a while and scrap a page. then watch brothers and sisters. then go to bed. midnight...maybe i'll be ready for bed by then. that's early. i'll probably go to bed at midnight then toss and turn for an hour. see. it IS a vicious cycle. not sure how to break it.

i have just had absolutely no energy. nada. zilcho! james is making dinner. he said i get the night off. woot. but seriously. all i did today was help james with the christmas lights (take off the plastic hanger uppper thingies...and put them in the boxes, then hand the boxes to him so he could put them in the attic. oh and i did one load of laundry and unloaded the dishwasher. big woop. i have done nothing today! i have had absolutely no motivation!

did i mention e is being a beast today? he is. oy. rude. grumpy. yelling at zan. i think poor james has had enough. i know i have! wish i could figure out why some days he is like this. god....i just hope he gets over it before school tomorrow. i so do not want to go to the principal's office.

i do believe i have...

two of the crankiest children on the planet right now! lol.. every two seconds alexander breaks down in a heart-wrenching all-out cry. he's tired. E is tired too. to bed with them early tonight. it's faux date-night for me and the j-man. we're gonna watch a movie together and actually go to bed at the same time tonight. concept.

tomorrow is sunday. where does the weekend go? my kids crave time with their daddy and that time just flies by.

james made dinner tonight. yummy. pot stickers (made with lean chicken). delsih. he also made fish stew (with halibut and shrimp). it was tasty.

i'm personally craving...and i do mean seriously get in my way i'll hurt you kind of craving chocolate. and a coke. strange. well not the chocolate thing...dude...i LOVE chocolate. but the coke thing? i don't drink much soda!

okay. helped out with an online crop at SG last night and off and on today. i produced five bee-u-tee-ful LOs. heh. at least i think so. this is one of 'em.

pad. day 16.

journaling is hidden under the pic.

yesterday i spent way too much time cleaning up after my husband and children. toys. dishes. shoes. hats. gloves. more dishes. more toys. am i invisible? i am more than this. see me for who i really am. appreciate me for what i do. and pick up your damn shit.

pad. day 15.

3 faces of me

i am not photogenic and that has made me very aware of how i look in photographs. so on the rare occasion i'm not the one behind the camera i always try to remember the right way to position myself to produce the best possible pic. sad...but true. x mas day '06

in other news...down 26 pounds. 26. sweet.

i am not feeling scrappy!

but i have scrappy things to do. i hate not feeling it. sucks some ass. i did a page today and i'm going to look at it again in the morning and see how it strikes me. that's not a good sign....having to put a page aside and decide if i like it later.

on a side note, have you ever scrapped while you were drunk? i have. lol.. it's not a good way to scrap. i don't recommend it. me having no mojo just reminded me of the last big scrap night at kathryn's where we had margaritas (and lots of 'em). and no. i don't drink often. really.

it's 9:00. think i should make my kids go to bed now? yeah. mother of the year. right here. i just sent them upstairs to brush teeth. now it's time for story.

maybe a little grey's for me tonight. and the nonfat decaf mocha (extra hot) i ordered a few days ago from starbucks. it's not extra hot anymore. but i have a microwave so it will be later.

pad 11, 12, 13, 14 and 15.

11 is done. it's for the SG newsletter so i can't post it.
12 is done. it's also for the SG newsletter so i can't post it.
13. Uh...well....didn't do that one. lol...
14. done. just need to scan and then i'll post.
15. yeah. need to get on it.

ever have that 'bad' feeling? you know...that feeling in the pit of your stomach? well i've been having that off and on for a while now. today i found out why. it's something that rears its ugly head even when i try to forget about it. nothing like a call from the dr to bring it all rushing back to the surface. ah...well...it will be okay. it just will.

i'm tired of being stupid but too lazy to fix it.

wish i knew how to put up a coolio blog banner. but i don't. wish i wasn't a retard when it came to computers. but i am. and frankly, i'm too lazy to figure it out. don't have the time. the time that i do have i want to spend doing something else. entirely.

no page a day today. not feelin' it. and scrapping isn't supposed to be about stressing yourself out. so instead i will spend some time with james.

wish we were going to the beach this weekend. but we aren't. things happen.

as i sit here james is on his way home. with dinner. yes. i am not cooking. which is nice. and needed. this weekend will be filled with mundane chores instead of beautiful ocean, cold water and sea breezes. no playing in the sand. no dinner at the wharf. no inhaling so deep it makes my lungs hurt because if i don't inhale every scent of sea air i'm afraid i can never get enough. no getting away from the everyday. at least not today. no feeling emotions so strongly i want to cry. not because i'm sad...well...maybe a little sad...because i miss the life that comes in this place... no gazing in awe at the pure beauty. no just being so happy to be away doing something different. no sharing all this with james, and my boys....at least not today.

instead i have a huge headache. and i'm freezing my ass off. and i don't want to do laundry. and i don't want to unload the dishwasher. yes. it's still full from last night. and i don't want to listen to my boys bicker. enough already. they play well...then they fight. then they play well....then they fight. and my head...it just pounds. i'm bored. yes. that's it. i think i'm bored. but i'm sure grocery shopping this weekend will fix that right up. maybe i'll even take the kids. that would make it an adventure. doesn't that sound fun?

pad. day 10

i did one. but this isn't it. can't post it yet. so in its place, here's a LO i did for the jan SG newsletter. nothing like a little hambly. then a little more hambly. a little HS (chipboard alpha). mix in a little bazzill, a little paint. what do you get? a happy me.

side note: i'm down 24 lbs. well, it's really more than a side note for me. one more pound and i will be down to the weight i was when james and i met.....oh soooooooooooooooo long ago. but i'm not stopping at that one lb. i haven't decided my ultimate goal, i just know i'm not there yet.

let me just add i'm stoked that i lost three lbs this week. after gaining 1 during christmas, then losing ONLY that 1 the week after christmas i was beginning to get a little bit discouraged. now my resolve is firm. as long.....that is....as i save enough points for starbucks, m&m's and the occasional chunk of chocolate right out of the package. i'm even learning to enjoy hot cocoa (made at home....GASP...) add in a little fat free cool whip and voila. a nice beverage to help keep my freezing ass warm. it's freaking cold here.

pad. day 9.

journaling: sometimes i feel like life is a blur and things are out of control. emily falconbridge inspired. totally.

pad. day 8.

felt like painting so i made an art journal page. used one of my catslife press stamps. it says: create something. i so dig catslifepress and fontwerks...and purple onion and so many more...

pad. day 7.

pad. day 6.

okay. this one sucks. if i could have made it work (and i probably could if i spent more time on it) it could have been cool. it has coolness potential. but i'm tired of looking at it. so it is done. i am moving on.

i leave you with these words: "I know he thinks you're fine and stuff, but does he know how to wind you up?" can't stop listening to gwen stefani. her cd rocks. my ipod rocks. thanks again james.

pad. day 5

i'm in a slump. this is not my fave. love the pic itself, just had a hard time putting this one together. Maybe it's because there's no paint. I scrap in two modes. Paint...where I get messy and dig it. The other mode...well...for me it's like putting a puzzle together. I start picking things out, seeing if they work. If they don't I put something back, try something else until I get something I like. I've been trying to stretch myself. To do things outside my comfort zone. So yeah. I did two LOs without paint. But I'm thinking it's time to bust out that paint again.

And why in the hell do my LOs look so crappy on Blogger? They look fine in photobucket, in SG, on 2 Peas...but on here? It's all fuzzy and that's some weird shit.

pad. day 4.

No paint. So no one pass out.

Hambly
More Hambly
7 Gs gaffer tape
7 Gs sticker
Prima flowers

There aren't even any staples on this one.
What's wrong with me.

pad. day 3.

Page a day. Day 3. This was also for a challenge to use up some old supplies (10 dif ones to be exact). Mine were:
cardstock
paint
pp (AC and MM)
staples. yep. they count.
Prima flower
brad (unknown origin)
EK Success mini alphas. omg. seriously. will i ever be able to use those up???? i don't even have that many. but they last for freaking ever!
DMC embroidery thread
buttons
AC rub on


The boys had fun at Sawyer and Riley's party today. They swam so hard. They were SO tired. But the poor kids were on such a sugar high it took forever for them to crash. But they're both in bed now. Aaaaaaahh. Silence. There's nothing like it.

Did groove to some Gwen today while I did this page. I'm diggin her latest.

pad 2

So far I'm two for two. Yeah...big woop you might say. Well it's a big deal for me. I have a hard time creating a page a day. It's hard to find the time because a) I am the world's slowest scrapper 2) it's just plain ole hard to find the time. But here it is.

Now on to other stuff. Today was busy.
Laundry. check
More laundry. check
Unload dishwasher. check
Make breakfast for the boys. check
Make lunch for the boys. check
Make dinner for all of us. check
Put towels in car for Christine. check
Go to Target to buy birthday presents for the twins. check
Wrap said birthday presents. check
Put them in car. check
Pack boys' suits, towels and dry clothes. check
Creat a LO. check
Okay, it doesn't really seem like I was all that busy. But remember. I did have the boys here with me. E is out of school until Jan 8th.
Now I'm off to finish my decaf mocha which has been in the fridge for a couple of days.
Tomorrow is another busy day. Meeting the Becks for the twins' birthday party.
There will be swimming.
And screaming kids.
Oh yeah...must go pack Tylenol. I'm sure I'll need it.

I am going to try and create a page a day.

This is day 1. Hmmmm...kind of a crappy scan. It's Bazzill, paint, Hambly rub on (doh), HS chip alpha (which is brown in case you can't really tell).

We'll see how the pad thing goes. I'm not a fast scrapper. But I'm trying to push myself. To overthink less and DO more.

First day of the new year.

The first day of the new year was pretty casual around here. It was nice. Got all the Christmas decos back out to the garage. Dug out from the mess. I never left the house today. I'm wearing sweats. I took a nap. Aaaaaaaaaah. Yes. Nice. Easy dinner. Dishes are done. I'm going to scrap tonight. Not feelin' my mojo but I want to push through it.

For 2007.....

I would like:
to continue losing weight.
health for my family (yes I have someone particular in mind) but of course everyone. this really is #1 for me. but i'm too lazy to move this to the top.
happiness for my family.
to stop wasting time.
to be motivated.
to be recognized in some way (scrapping-related).
to be nicer.
to have more patience.
to travel. mendocino. london. paris...to name a few. there are many more places i want to go.
to have more time to create. i hate feeling like there is not enough time.
to not be tired.
to not feel sad.
for illness or death not to touch me. at least for a while. ok?
there's more. but alexander is now here helping. yeah. that's what he calls it.

A little music and some organization.

Is it wrong that I left James to tend to the boys (give them a bath) while I went online and figured out our wild Christmas spending? And then I cleaned off my scrap desk. All the while listening to my new Gwen Stefani cd on my ipod.

Organization. Sometimes I just need it. I crave it. I know it won't last long. But for the few brief minutes it is so nice. And I always say to myself, THIS time I will keep my space cleaner, put things away instead of just dumping/stacking them up until they fall. Not likely...really not likely. But there's always a chance.

Just got back from sledding.

James and Alexander are sleeping. Ethan is hanging with me. I should be cleaning. Undecorating the trees. Yeah. Um. Here I go. Ha. I'm feeling unmotivated.

I'm also hoping that my disapointments end with the close of 2006. Good things can (and should) happen. Right? I know you need to believe in yourself. Even if no one else does. I will try.

I guess if I'm going to undecorate the trees why bother cleaning first. Right? Right. Glad you agree. Now I have a valid excuse for not cleaning my house.

At least dinner is already made. Not so sure I want to weigh in on Wednesday. Will anyway. But I don't think I will have lost any more. Oh I know. I'll get my hair cut before Wed. That should do it. Those 2 ounces will make all the difference in the world. Who cares how it happens, I just want that scale to show some results.

Had enough of my nonsensical thinking? It's scary how my mind works. Seriously.

I really want some onion dip made with fat free sour cream (with carrots and celery to dip into it). I so need to buy groceries. Are grocery stores closing early tomorrow? Probably so. Guess if I want food I better go early. I'm hungry right now. And trying to not eat. Guess I should get up and do something to keep myself busy. I'm going. This time I really am.

I am not dead. Just busy!

All my family is now back in their respective homes. I spent the day returning/exchanging things and cleaning the sty. I'm not done. Far from it. It was so nice to have everyone here. I'm sad my mom is gone. James went back to work today. I'm sure he would have rather stayed home. But someone has to keep me in Starbucks. Right?

I'm using my NEW laptop. That James got me for Christmas. Yay. No more sharing the upstairs computer with the boys. Or James. I don't have any of my faves but James says he will export them for me soon.

Saturday down come the trees. All four of them. It will be nice to get our house back in order but it's also sad that this Christmas is coming to an end. It was great. Alexander was sick but he is finally getting better. Yay for that. Poor guy. He was miserable for several days.

I have yet to look at the pics taken over Christmas. I have no clue if any of them turned out. Now it's time to put the chillin's to bed. They are still recovering from a very very busy week.

Maybe sometime soon I will scrap. I did get some new Fontwerks, Purple Onion and Catslife Press stamps for Christmas I have yet to use. And I should.

Yes people.

He IS grabbing my boob. Should I use this for our Christmas cards?

I am neurotic. Maybe I'm psychotic. Maybe I'm both.

Ever feel down and have no reason for feeling that way? It's not because of the holidays. I love Christmas. I love to see it through my kids' eyes. I love the magic. I love the whole big messy loud event. But I am feeling down. And I don't know why.

Totally unrealted....my husband gets me. Last night I was in a cleaning frenzy. I tend to do that when I feel like things are out of control. He saw me about to take the garbage out and said he would do it. But he didn't mean right then. He saw the look in my eyes. Stopped what he was doing and went and took the garbage out. He knows me like NO ONE else.

I think...

I think my scrapping style is very different. I love to use paint. I like it funky. I am so not your traditional or classic scrapper. And I like it that way. I couldn't change it even if I tried. I don't know how to do 'classic' scrapping. It's not...well...in me. Scrapping to me is a creative outlet. It's a way for me to immerse myself, to forget everything else. If at least for a few minutes. And I love that. But I've also noticed my style is not the most popular. People like cleaner layouts than what I do. It's just something I've noticed. It's not something I'm particularly upset about. And it's not something that will make me change my style. It is...just something...I have noticed.

That being said, and not even really related (I just feel like posting a LO)...here's a LO I did a couple of days ago. I like it. Even if no one else does. It was fun. I played, experimented and I love doing that. I realize not everything must be a masterpiece. And believe me, they're not. But this one I like. It's the color. It's the paint. It's the pic (I made it purple). It's all of it together. I think it just works. So even if no one else does...I do. And that's what matters.

8 days until Christmas.

This is what we did tonight. A little family picture taking. The first pic is me and James in front of the tree in the living room. The second pic is the boys in front of the tree in the fam room. And believe me....we took hundreds of pics. Only a few of them came out. But some did. And for that I am glad. We even have some of all of us together!

Tonight I am finishhing the wrapping. Yes. I said finishing. Except for the few things that are still to be delivered. You see...we had a little crisis over the weekend. For weeks...and I mean WEEKS I have been asking E what he is going to ask for from Santa. And every day the answer was the same. A cherry picker. Same thing Alexander wants. Okay. Fine. Great. In fact, I've had two of them up in my closet for WEEKS. So what's wrong then, you ask? Well...took the boys to see Santa this weekend. And when Santa asked Ethan what he wants, his answer was NOT a cherry picker. Holy freakin crap. Did he just say, "Mario boy"?!! Yes. I am so fucking screwed. lol... SO...after we got home we got online. I mean seriously. Does anyone (aside from Ethan) even know what a Mario boy is???? So James took his best guess and found a Mario action figure online. Don'tcha just love expecited shipping? We also found a Mario Kart remote control well...kart...and for Alexander a Yoshi Kart. Again. Don'tcha just love expedited shipping? Well I do. Yeah. All except for the part of how much freaking more it costs.

But what are ya gonna do. The kid wants a Mario boy for Christmas. And I want absolutely every second my kids believe in Santa. So expedited shipping it will be.

My mom comes in five days. Her husband a week from today. My brother, his wife and their three boys the day after that. I have much to do. I even have some scrapping I must do. One more assignment and then I'm done for Dec. And I will take a break and just focus on Christmas...family....and fun.

So many things to do and I'm doing none of them.

A bunch of scrapping deadlines.
Christmas shopping. STILL.
My SIL had surgery today. She's fine but I need to go see her tomorrow.
I'm in the classroom in the morning.
I need to wrap presents. AGAIN. (I've been wrapping as I go but have gotten behind).
Heh. There's a surprise.
Plan menu for while family is here for Christmas.
Shop for food for while family is here for Christmas.
Scrap. I must scrap. I really really must scrap.
Drink mocha. Yes. Definitely a must.
Oh yes. I'm also planning E's school Christmas party.
Bought the materials for the craft project for the party yesterday.
That's a whole nother story right there.
Lets just say I was gone for TWO hours and leave it at that.
Need to make the craft (dog biscuit ornament) so the kids have one to look at while making theirs.
Need to precut all the felt (holly leaves and dog ears).
Need to mail Will, Phoebe and Brian's presents. IF Will's ever gets here.
Need to clean my house. My mom arrives in a week.
Really need to clean my house. omg...
Need to figure out what to get my brother.
He's SO hard to buy for.
Need to get one or two more things for the boys.
Need to scrap. Or did I mention that already.
Now I'm getting off the computer. I'm going to do.........well..not sure what yet.
But something.

Down 19 pounds.

Weighed in today. I'm down 19 pounds. And it rocks.

My father is really a stranger.

He's my father. But ever since he cheated on my mom (and with her best friend)...all the while my mom was self-medicating with alcohol....my relationship with my father...well....lets just say we hug when we see each other (once or twice a year) but we don't have much to talk about. It's just strange. Damn strange. I just got done reading an email he sent (to a bunch of people of which I was one) saying (and in passing I might add) that he thought he had prostate cancer but in fact, does not. Just an...oh...btw kind of thing. WTH? I really do feel like we are strangers. the guy thinks he has cancer and just casually mentions in an email that no, he really doesn't?!

Made me realize I'm really not ready to hear that something really is wrong with my dad (even though our relationship is the way it is). He has no clue of my likes, my dislikes, how I feel about my childhood. He will never know. I don't even think he is interested. I don't even think if he was I would be fully able to vocalize everything in the right way.

But after all this time I have realized my father still holds power over me. Not exactly power. That's wrong. He still affects me. Even though we really don't know each other anymore. It's just so strange......to be strangers with someone so influential in your life.

Christmas party last night, hang over today??

Nope. I learned my lesson last year. Plus I am still sick. But we went out last night anyway. It's been...I can't even remember how long since it was just James and I (no kids). Had a lot of fun with some friends. Food sucked. Band sucked. Dude. The ONE night I give myself permission to eat 'normal' amounts of food and not worry about how many points I was eating...and the food sucked!! lol.... But it was nice to be out.

Did have a new delish shot called a copper camel. It's butterscotch something and something else. Yeah...I have NO clue what's in it but I do know Mike will make me one any time I want. He likes to see people drunk. Women in particular.

I am having a hard time keeping my eyes open so I think I'll lay down this afternoon while Alexander is resting and I'll cuddle with Ethan. Maybe we'll both fall asleep. James is at work.

Here's what I intend to do. I've already unloaded the dishwasher, done two loads of laundry, made lunch, emptied many garbage cans, done some dishes....so I'm going to leave the rest. I'm going to give myself 30 minutes....MAYBE even an hour (depending on the children, of course), to scrap. I have something new I want to try. I think if I was able to just sit down and create a page from beginning to end without stopping a zillion million times I would pass out. Seriously.

Never...I repeat NEVER..........

Never....I repeat NEVER go on a field trip with your oldest and leave your youngest home with his daddy. When you come home all of his beautiful blonde locks will be gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Okay...yes. He needed a hair cut. But da-um. It's taking some getting used to. So much hair is gone.

Totally unrelated to my traumatic day of coming home to an unrecognizable child, here's a LO I did yesterday. Yes. I scrapped. Don't pass out. Okay...because I'm soooo freaking stupid, I can't get the LO to post on the bottom. ~sigh~

I am such a sucker.

We let the boys each pick out a tree for their rooms. All on their own they went and came dragging back what they thought to be THE BEST trees in the world.

LOVE this picture of Alexander. Love it. Look at his face...the wonder. Now tell me that wasn't worth having to go out three times (first time the boys have each had a tree in their rooms) so of course we needed two more stands. Then we needed more lights. Then we needed...yeah...you get the idea. Anyway, it was so worth it. The boys decorated their trees all on their own. SO freaking adorable to watch them. Ethan was very excited. Alexander didn't care at all until he saw how much fun Ethan was having. Then he really got into it. I wish I would have thought to take a pic of E by his tree with all the lights out in his room except for the ones on the tree. Guess I can still do it. I should.

We are such suckers. Our little trees cost us ....hmmm....how much???? Not even going to find out. I'm just going to enjoy the looks on their faces and remember the fun they had decorating their own trees.

Alexander was just SO proud of how he put all the green ball ornaments all right next to each other on ONE limb. lol.. Poor limb is probably gonna droop all the way to the floor before Santa gets here! This is something I definitely want to remember.

Can you see me? Or am I invisible.

I am not invisible.
Even though I often feel like it.
Staying home with my children IS an important job.
Even though it RARELY feels like it.
One day something worth it will happen to me.
I just need to be patient.
These are things I tell myself.

Two recent LOs.

The top one is Alexander. He's just a couple of months old there. Some fab 7 Gs pp, some delish Hambly, paint, masking tape, staples...

The second is also Alexander and it was fun to do. I sanded the hell out of the pic (to make Alexander pop) and to blend the background. Put some Gin-X expressions right on the pic and then sanded them almost all the way off. I like the affect. More 7 Gs pp. A vintage button, masking tape, acrylic gel medium, ink and of course...paint. Ha. These were two of my LOs for SG for Dec. I seem to be on a masking tape craze of late.

Tonight you will find me by the fire, wrapping presents. Also scrapping. I started a page earlier today while my sick boys were sleeping. It felt good to sit at my desk. To focus on something I enjoy (even it it was only for 10 minutes). I vow to use no masking tape on this LO.

I love the peace of late night.

I love to sit in the family room by the fire, look at the tree and wrap presents. We made a big change in our house this year. A fake tree. ~GASP~ Yup. I said fake tree. A first for me. I'm not wild about it. I just don't think I'm a fake tree kind of girl. It doesn't 'smell' like Christmas. But each year we struggle with the feeling guilty about killing a tree thing. I mean, really, what's the point...right? We cut down this big tree that's been growing for YEARS, drag it home and into the house and then decorate it. It's sort of an odd tradition when you really think about it. And after Christmas is over, we undecorate the tree, drag it out of the house only for it to be turned into mulch. Poor tree.

We put up two trees each year. One in the fam room and one in the living room. Well James didn't want me to go cold turkey so we went and got our second tree this weekend. Just took the boys to a lot (no mountaineering/hiking expedition for us this year). James is sick. The boys are sick. Soon I fear I shall be sick too. Anyway...the 'lot' tree as it shall now be deemed....SO SO SO SO wonderful. Smells SO good. Now I feel like it's Christmas. I try to 'forget' it got chopped down just so I could enjoy its smell. Poor tree. lol...

I really do love the peace of late night. Everyone is in bed asleep (except for me, Callie and Oliver) of course. Wherever I go they go. I'm thinking I might scrap tonight. I have some things to do...many things in fact...and haven't scrapped for seriously...hmm....at least a week. So maybe I'll scrap tonight although four more boxes of goodness were delivered today all of which need to be wrapped and put under the big tree in the living room. I decided this year to wrap as I buy. I am SO diggin' it. But I'll have to decide tonight. It's an either/or kind of deal. There's quite a few things that need to be wrapped. There's also a large part of me being drawn to my space to scrap.....

My latest mini book.

This is my latest mini book (for the Dec SG newsletter). Lots of fabric, fabric trim, tulle, ribbon, Bazzill, staples, paint and some Hambly. And I must give a shout out to my friend Jen for giving me the inspo for this book. This is what I did after looking at your "book o' inspiration". I played. Picked out some things I like and put 'em together. It's a 7 G's wire-o album totally covered in goodness.

Journaling:
Naked baby fresh from the bath
Running downstairs to come and play with momma
Tickles, laughter and love.
Alexander and me.
10.28.06

The pics really don't give the full affect. It's much richer, brighter and the colors aren't exactly true here....not sure why.... If you want to see the bigger version click here.