wtf.

blogger won't let me upload a photo. fuck.
over the last week or so i've noticed myself changing.
becoming afraid.
afraid to say what's on my mind.
afraid to do what i want. when i want. how i want.
wtf.
it's almost like i am afraid to become vested in this new place.
i feel excited (when up at the house, among other times).
i want to scream out the things that before all this crap happened, i would have had no problem doing.
but something is stopping me.
i fucking need therapist dude.
i am getting mother fucking pissed at not being able to paint.
being in the classroom today, generating excitement about painting, watching all those kids paint. it was pure.
i need that back.
what the fuck do i have to do to get it.

here ya go H!

photo taken 10.27.09.
i look tired.
oh. maybe that's because i am.
fucking tired.
sleep issues are semi back.
if they ever went away.
i am happy here.
well, i can be.
i'm actually a little afraid of being happy.
because i know the flip side of that.
i have tried damn hard not to let james' death make me afraid.
but it has.
every once in a while i start to feel good. a little bit happy.
and it scares the shit out of me.
not because i don't want to be happy. i do.
i guess because it reminds me of how i used to live life.
pretty much at full throttle.
it reminds me of what i used to have.
that i used to feel emotion sooo deeply.
i still feel emotion deeply, but it used to be happy emotion (for the most part).
but then that changed.
i've been trying to protect myself. and the boys.
i guess i'm not ready to stop doing that.

things i've noticed.

this is jason. my builder. he will also be my neighbor. see that house up in the top right corner? that's his house. i love jason's demeanor. he is chill. easy-going. he used to own a boat and crab fish. nice. i dig that shit. boats, any dude with a boat.....fishermen...,pretty much any fucken dude in the coast guard....don't know why i just eat that shit up.

spent about an hour with jason today up at the house. made some decisions about windows and other exterior wall issues. made some changes to the flooring downstairs. it was totally effin cool to see what they've done to the house in the last couple of days. when i go back tomorrow at 11am (another meeting with jason), the entire second level should have been framed. right fucken on.

i have noticed:
there are some huge ass spiders here. ICK. i hate spiders.
the principal of E's school stands outside EVERY SINGLE MORNING and greets the kids as they come off the buses and/or are dropped off by their parents. that's way cool. a principal that actually knows the kids, and they know him. concept. wasn't that way in reno.
coffee is big here. everyone drinks coffee! and not just in the morning but all fucken day long. guess i'll fit right in here.
it smells so good here. i want to fully appreciate that every fucking time i go outside. i never want to take that for granted.

the beach where the shipwreck is.....at first i wasn't that crazy about that beach. now? can't fucking get enough of it. i love it. still think i like the other beach in long beach (i think it's long beach)....it has so much character. but the shipwreck beach...i like it too.

getting ready to teach my first art lesson on thursday. holy crap. other than planning the occasional lame-o school party, i haven't 'officially' been in the classroom for 8 years now!! did i mention kindergarteners have the attention spans of ants? yeah. should be interesting. fun, i'm sure. but i'm not even sure, exactly, why i've been asked to do this. if i can get one kid to express himself/herself, to 'click' in some way with art....to remember something, ANYTHING about art in kindergarten, that will rock my world. i really really really want to touch these kids.....help them learn just one thing. all it takes is ONE thing to stick with them for a lifetime.

when you have a hangover, do not go to DMV.

been spending way more time at the beach than i should.
mostly to keep my sanity.
took callie (the dog) for her first time ever to the ocean this weekend.
she loved it.
the boys and i went for a long-ass walk on the beach on sunday.
callie came too.
nice break in the weather.
sundress over long sleeves, over jeans.
no jacket required.
perfect.
been trying for days to go to DMV to take my test so i can get my oregon driver's license and register my car.
today was not the day for that.
do NOT go to DMV to try to get your license when you have a hangover. just sayin.
woke up this morning (after not much sleep) and wasn't sure if i was still drunk or just mother fucking tired with a hangover.
spent some time with dale this morning.
he's the handyman that comes with the rental house.
that was nice.
he is now 'my' handyman (when we move into the new house) he will come and do whatever i need him to. lol...my mind is apparently in the gutter because that sounded dirty to me. ;-) okay...clearly i need to go to bed!!
talked to jan yesterday. a few times.
and today.
nice. and needed.
without her in my daily life i feel a huge void.
and that just sucks.
we are both having a hard time adjusting to not being close to each other.
it felt semi-normal talking to her today. like we weren't so far apart.
i need more of that.
going to be teaching a one hour art lesson in alexander's class once a week from now on.
should be interesting.
getting my shit together to start this week.
it's been so long since i taught i hope i can get it together.

fuck you.

got my nose pierced a few weeks ago. photos courtesy of jan (using my iPhone). they stick this pipe thing inside your nose so the needle doesn't pierce more than what you want pierced.

the chick brought the needle through and i literally wanted to beat the crap out of her. it fucking hurt. only for about 60 seconds, or so, but during that minute or two, while she cleaned up the blood on the inside of my nose, and while she clipped and bent the end of the stud, it really fucking hurt. after she quit fucking with it, it pretty much quit hurting.

jan and i were going to get tattoos together. we used to walk together a lot. she's taller than me. a lot taller. so when we would walk i would walk on the sidewalk and she would walk in the street. so i was usually on the left of her. i was going to get a tat on my right arm that said 'fuck'. she was going to get a tat on her left arm that said 'you'. we found this very amusing. but hey. that's just us. of course, once i knew i was moving, it didn't really make sense anymore. no one would get it.

having a harder time than i thought i would adjusting to living here. a big part of it is leaving everyone i know. another big part of it is living in someone else's house (while our house is being built). i don't really feel truly 'at home' in the rental house. doing my best not to let the boys sense this is how i feel because i want them to feel 'at home'.

wasn't truly prepared for the amount of isolation i would feel. another part of me having a hard time adjusting, is alexander going to kindergarten. i am so used to having him home that it feels extra strange to have three hours without him in the morning. AND he's decided to ride the bus home. so trippy. instead of driving to pick him up i walk over and pick him up as he gets off the bus. school starts really damn early here too. and i am so NOT a morning person. all these little things...so it's taking me a bit to adjust. i do love it here.....the ocean, the smells, the sounds...all amazing. i just still sometimes can't believe we moved. once i decided where i wanted to live, it all happened pretty damn fast. that's just pretty much how i roll. decisions are made on instinct and once i make up my mind, i can make things happen. course didn't hurt to have direction from therapist dude. i miss him.

unpacked and organized the itty bitty loft today. found my roll of canvas, brushes, paint, gesso and stretcher bars. got my work table and easel set up. motivating to paint. unfortunately i think i'm going to have to once again try to force some inspiration. maybe once i start it'll just flow. it could happen.

parting words.

self-portrait taken with my iPhone while driving to astoria (on moving day).

every couple of days the boys and i go to the property and look and see what's been done on the house. we now have a foundation! sweet. better than that, no rain for a few days so the foundation can dry.

october 3rd is the day the blood clot went to james' brain and he ended up in the hospital. today, a year ago this morning, is the day james died. the day i had him taken off of life support. the day i discussed organ donation out in the hall. this post isn't about boo hoo, how sad. it's for me to acknowledge how far we have come in the past year. am i sad? you bet your fucking ass. but, as harsh as this sounds, instead of being nothing but sad today i am choosing to look forward. we no longer live in hell. we live in a beautiful place. i am AT the ocean. it smells good. the sounds are amazing. life goes on. it sucks. and it doesn't. i wish more than anything to have james back. but that will never happen. so i am figuring it out and showing the boys that we can do this while helping them remember their father, how much he loved them....and telling them what he would want for them. trying to help them become even anything remotely close to what he was. if i can do that, THAT will be amazing. because james was the best man i have EVER met.

therapist dude's parting words to me were, 'you can choose to be sad. you can choose to be happy. OR....you can choose to be mother fucking happy. i hope you choose the last one.' i have thought about what he said. i am choosing not to be sad. i still have deep, piercing make me want to vomit moments. i get through them and move on. i haven't quite gotten to 'happy' or 'mother fucking happy' but i'm working on it.

we're here!

this is where i live now.

took the boys to see the sea lions today after school.

after the truck was unloaded on sunday we took a break before unpacking and headed to the astoria column. look closely and you will see my brother, ethan and alexander running up to the column.

lots and lots and lots of driving. boys did well. dogs weren't happy. we were all tired. but overall the trip was good. things were ahead of schedule. the loading and unloading went well. my brother flew out on monday. it's just me and the boys. no jan. no therapist dude. but we're here. it's surreal.

got the boys registered in their schools and they have started. that's been the hardest part on E. not knowing anyone at school. having no one to play with at recess (for the 2 days he's gone to school now). alexander is uber happy because in astoria half day kindergartners get to eat lunch at school. it's a dream come true. he's SO tired of always waiting 2 years for everything E gets to do. so he was jacked up when he found out he didn't have to wait that long to get to eat lunch at school.

unpacking. but ONLY what we need for the next 6 months. went and checked the progress of the new house. more about that later. now i must get the little muffins ready for bed. in reno school started at 9:30am. here....it starts at 8 fucking 10 am!!!! that is just wrong. it's going to take some adjustment that is for damn sure. but it's all good. went to the beach this morning (in the rain). it's just all good.

one thing that i have been trying to ignore....i miss having someone to tell me it's all going to be okay. someone to hold me. to comfort me. i don't fall apart. i think partly because i can't. because i am it. the boys rely on me. i talk to them. i am honest with them. they have been overall really damn good about this entire move. i just wonder if i am pushing my feelings deep down and if that's ultimately going to be a bad thing. i wonder what would happen to me if i let all those feelings out. i wonder if there will ever by anyone in my life who would want to be there for me like that. i can't imagine it. and i don't often let myself think about it.