It Matters

three years later.

2011-10-06T19:33:00.001-07:00

this is me. three years later.
three years ago, at this time, james was in the hospital and i was beginning to understand that he was not going to survive. in two days (three years ago) i will have made the decision to have james taken off of life support. had i known what was to come i'm not sure i could have handled it. sometimes, my mind wanders back to the moment when i told alexander his daddy died. to when i told ethan his daddy died. horrible moments. times i never wish to relive. so much has happened in three years. we road tripped. found a new place to live. sorted through 20 years of my life with james. packed it, sold it and/or gave it away. sold our house. the boys and i moved. had a small house built for us in our destination of choice. relocated the boys to new schools. moved to a place where i knew almost no one. i believe it true that you have a choice. you can either be happy. or sad. i make a conscience effort to choose happy. and i make that choice every single day. there are times, however, and perhaps always will be, when i miss james with every fiber of my being. i miss the 'us' we used to be. knowing he had my back. and i had his. knowing i had someone in this world that was just for me. our lives are good. the boys are doing well. i think james would be proud of us. i am giving myself permission, over the next couple of days, to be a little sad. to think about james. i think the thing that haunts me the most is my decision to take james off of life support. while logically i know it was the right thing to do, i still feel a huge amount of guilt from actually doing it. and i still think the hardest part about all of this has been watching my boys grow up without their father. it kills me when the boys look longingly at other families with a mother AND a father. when i am the only 'mom' at baseball, soccer, basketball, amidst all the fathers and their sons.... i am choosing to be happy. even when i have sad times. there are still nights i rock one or both of the boys to sleep because they are sad. they miss their father. but i am choosing to show the boys life can be good again. choosing to show them how to live with passion. i want them to find what they love in life. and do that thing. or things. i want them to appreciate each and every day. to take nothing for granted. i want them to find someone to share their lives with. becasue it is good. it is, the best stuff on the planet. i miss you, james. and i love you. i am sure that i always will. i am living a new life now, with new people in it. which is the way it has to be. i think you would be happy about that. because i know if i had been the one that died, i would have wanted that for you. with everything that i am. i still sometimes can't believe it's been three years. at other times, that life, you....us... seems like a lifetime ago..... just taking a few moments to remember........

a rough patch. and a little cosmic joke.

2011-09-17T17:57:00.001-07:00

i made an appointment with a therapist, here in astoria.
because of late, i am finding it harder to be happy.
yesterday was my first appointment.
i find it, fitting, i suppose, that i made my therapist cry.
she cried. and then told me about her boyfriend.
who happens to have a heart condition.
and is only going to get worse, not better.
he happened to have had a stroke three days ago.
sound familiar?
why yes. yes it does.
it sounds like the last 10 years of my life.
did she cry because of what happened to her boyfriend?
did she cry because my story, about james, made her sad?
because my story did not end well and she fears her story will end the same?
who knows.
what is it about me that draws this out of people.
i support the people in my life.
and i support myself.
i have only myself to rely on.
does anyone see the cosmic joke??
that i went to a therapist to try and pull myself out of this hole i can't seem to get out of.
and instead of her helping me, i listened to HER tell me about HER boyfriend.
this therapist told me i was sent to her.
it must have been meant to happen.
why else would my husband have died of a heart condition and stroke.
since her boyfriend has a similar issue.
why else would her father's name be james.
when my husband's name was james.
why else would the therapist's father have died when she was six.
when my boys' lost their father at the ages of 4 and 7.
the therapist says it was meant to be.
i'm not so sure about that.
because i left there, yesterday, feeling WAY worse than i did before i went in.
is it because she/we dredged up all this james stuff?
is it because she asked how james died, and i told her?
the entire story.
how i took him off life support.
how i watched him turn purple. and blue. and then just stop gasping for breath.
how i held him until he died.
then gathered my things and walked out.
because i had to go tell my children that their father had died.
why do i feel so bad today??
why can't i get out of this bad place.
why can't i be more positive?
why can't i sleep.
i just sometimes long for what i no longer have.
can i have something else?
something similar, yet different but still complete?
who knows.
i just know i am in a bad place right now.
that i am oh so very tired.
that i am in charge of loving two little boys.
that i am in charge of raising them.
teaching them everything they need to know.
so i know i am in a bad place.
i recognize it.
now i can find a way out.
i keep being strong, not because i *am* strong.
but because i have no other choice.
every time i think i can't do this anymore, i do.
because i have no other choice.
i sometimes wonder if i will be eaten up by the guilt i feel at my boys having to grow up without their father.
i know i need to focus NOT on what we don't have.
but what we DO have.
if i can get all of this out, maybe i can let it go.
and focus and put my mind where it needs to be.

i've been arting.

2011-08-02T23:37:00.000-07:00

this past weekend i took part in astoria visual art's first annual open studio tour. what this means is, i (and 32 other local astoria artists) opened our studios to whomever wanted to come and look. peeps got to see my work, my space......AND some of my house (since my studio is actually inside my house). it was an interesting expeience. one that has opened a door or two, small doors, but which have given me direction nonetheless. this is a piece i painted in june. i have decided instead of being blocked (i haven't been able to produce consecutive art i love in a very long time), i will paint. i will paint through it. it is better to paint something you hate than to paint nothing at all. eventually i will find my groove, it will flow....and i WILL paint something i like. it's time to build my body of work. i will make it work, even though the boys are home for the summer. three things remain my top priorities. the boys. painting. and getting myself back to a weight i am comfortable with (which means running. more running). time to shift the balance. at least for a while.

four months.

2011-07-27T13:24:00.001-07:00

searching for that softer side that goes away all too often.
trying to remember to bring that out.
to let go of what restrains me from being that person.
a break from the boys was much needed.
a trip to boston helped me see myself from a different perspective.
that was much needed as well.
i know it's been four months since i posted.
i've come here, and written.
but then either deleted or saved and never posted.
i was tired of hearing what i had to say.
it was always the same and never what i thought it *should* be.
i am, by far, my harshest critic.
getting ready for an art show this weekend.
wrestling with that and all that goes with it.
am i good enough, etc.
time will tell.

while in boston i ran the freedom run (a 5k).
not a hard core run, but a run just the same.
i almost didn't do it.
but am glad i did.
i would have been angry at myself for backing out.
this photo was taken after the run, after the ferry ride back, inside the hotel while waiting for the elevator.
what. you expected me to take the stairs? i had just run. ;-) unedited and taken with my iPhone.

small steps.

2011-03-26T14:39:00.000-07:00

in this house....
there is love
and passion
we make mistakes
and learn from them
we live with gentle
souls
we try hard
we laugh
we figure things out
we are family
we are forever
connected
and we welcome you to our
home.

a little sign i made a few days ago for the small covered front porch you come through as you enter my house. made with architectural salvaged wood. i gave it a color wash and then painted on the words. i haven't decided if i'll leave it here, sitting on top of the bench, or, hang it from the wall somewhere in the porch.

i found the bench at the same architectural salvage place. it was perfect for the space. the boys can sit on it while taking their shoes on and off. since it rains so much here, they aren't allowed to wear their shoes in the house. so this is perfect.

above the sign (attached to the wall) there is a glass bottle with a wired flower on the top. my plan is to have a few of these and when i do i will fill them all with fresh flowers.

next up? a rug. a cool, funky rug to sit outside the front door. there will also be flower pots. i have a vision of how i want it to be, and am slowly......VERY slowly....making some changes.

another art journal page.

2011-02-05T13:36:00.000-08:00

washed out.
bummer.
not sure i'm in love with my scanner.
it does not do well with this color (or kraft for that matter).
this is one of my all time absolute favorite photos of james.
i took it.
in february of 2008.
8 months before he died.
i remember this night vividly.
because it was snowing like a mo fo.
james had gotten home from work late (about 8pm) and then shoveled the driveway.
then said to me, "kimberly, lets go sledding."
so we did.
we left the boys in the house and went down the hill across the street.
i made james go first.
you know, in case it was a bad, bad idea.
that hill was steep.
with big rocks at the bottom.
kind of funny.
anyway, we had a freaking blast sledding.
me in my pj's.
classy, i know. but i had already put my pj's on. so i went with it.
there is no beauty without pain pretty much sums up a lot of how i feel about james' death.
if i didn't love him as crazily, as intensely as i did, i wouldn't be as sad as i have been. as i still am.
there was much beauty in our lives together.
only fitting, i suppose, now that he is gone, that the other side of that is pain.
this is the first art journal page i have done about james' death.
wasn't planning on doing it.
it just sort of happened last night.
inbetween letting a couple of pieces i am working on, dry.
it's so completely simple.
some paint. masking tape. james. my words.
and that's how i wanted it.
course when i came across this photo i had a complete breakdown.
one of those wrenching why did this happen kind of breakdowns.
the i miss you so much i can't breath kind.
the kind i had when i first came to astoria (to look at houses)....
when i walked around on the beach in the same mother fucking circle for two hours, crying, thinking....just generally being angry and sad that james had died.
those two instances stand out to me.
the one on the beach and the one last night.
they were turning points.
for what i am not sure.
but i felt differently after the first one on the beach.
and i feel differently today.

an art journal page.

2011-01-24T21:18:00.000-08:00

i haven't worked in my art journal in months.
MONTHS.
close to a year.
maybe it even HAS been a year.
it was slow.
which is fine.
i was thinking.
it is important to me that my art journal pages be accurate.
true.
that they reflect what i was feeling in a given moment.
even though it's not always pretty.
journaling:
i have a strong sense of who i am. i am confident in and comfortable with who i am. there have been, however, two events that have caused me to question and re-evaluate myself. becoming a mother. and james' death. being a mom is something i struggle with. not all aspects of it. mostly the amount of energy and focus it takes. james' death shook me to my core. it took everything i knew to be true, away. but i know this. the core of who i am remains true. i will not be defined by outside forces. i am who *I* choose to be.

things that have been on my mind.

2011-01-12T19:24:00.000-08:00

in my studio 1.12.11.
painting i am working on behind me.

alexander.
he's been having trouble at school.
the loss of his father affects him on a daily basis.
had a meeting today with zan's teacher and the school counselor.

as soon as i feel like we're able to put some of the shit behind us, begin to have a life NOT all about james' death, something seems to happen to bring it front and center again. when will this stop.

i have not been able to find the balance between helping the boys remember their father while at the same time i try to let him go. he is not my present. alexander has been sad, because he is beginning to forget things about james. i try to tell them stories, show them pictures...to help them remember. and to learn things they didn't even know to begin with. but this is hard for me. i am ready to let this be my past. i NEED it to be so i can live in the present.

the loss of my friendship with jan. who knew that my moving away would end what i *thought* was an important relationship. nothing i can do about it but let it go. i'm just having trouble doing that.

the amount of time and energy it takes to be a GOOD parent. i am fucking exhausted.

there is a *thing*. it has become important in my life. how this happened i'm not even sure. but it has. i think i have been doing everything i can to NOT acknowledge it. but something happened this weekend that forced me to. i am not unhappy about it. just wasn't expecting it. it was the sort of realization that came with a sharp intake of breath, the holding of that breath and finally, exhaling that breath out. and saying something to the effect of "holy fucking shit." if i would just listen to myself, from the beginning, instead of fighting myself.....things would be a whole lot easier. i guess i just wasn't ready.

i think for me, the thing that most drains me is the constant 24/7 of being a parent. a single parent. i think that is the thing that has been the hardest for me since james died. that and, of course, watching the boys deal with their sadness. nothing makes you feel worse than when your child is hurt in some way and you can do nothing to fix it.

judgment. so much judgment. which leaves me feeling isolated. i talk to few. and those that i talk to, well, lets just say i am very selective about what i say. i keep many things to myself. which is the exact thing i have told alexander over and over NOT to do. i sometimes wish i didn't have to do this.

my lack of focus. fear of fucking up my art. i just really really really want that completely, wholly alive feeling to come back while i paint. i miss it.

hipsta app. again.

2010-12-11T12:03:00.000-08:00

hipsta app photo taken by E.
taken a couple of days ago.
i'm holding a note that says:
will i feel normal again. ever?
i mean what i say.
i say what i mean.
there is no i'm saying 'this' but really mean 'this'.
in the moment it just is what it is.
that is a good thing.
don't get wrapped up in what it means later.
just let it be in that moment, whatever it is.
i am angry at myself.
for putting myself out there.
in what i feel was a blatant way.
i should have just kept it in.
the thing i am most angry about right now?
what was taken from me when james died.
aside from the obvious, james...himself.
and that my boys lost their father.
that fills me with such sadness.
james had SO much to show them.
give them.
teach them.
so much love for them.
i have lost my love for many things.
my passion.
sometimes i hear the boys bickering.
and it is all i can do not to curl up in a ball and scream.

magic.

2010-12-03T19:17:00.000-08:00

watching someone work their craft...whatever it might be....is pure magic.
i sometimes watch people and wonder what it is they see.
you know, inside their head.
i wonder if things, life....everything....looks different to them.
do they interpret life differently than the rest of us?
how do they make it happen.
i sometimes wonder this about myself.
i finish a painting and for the life of me, can't recall how i did it.
it just, sort of....happens.
living in a sleepy coastal town?
THE best.
watching the fog lift, as you drive....or walk.....
take in the beauty.
an unexpected beautiful, sunny day?
appreciate every little bit of it.
i am once again reminded how fragile life is.
how easily it can slip away.
how easily, and quickly, bad things can happen.
tonight i am content to sit, by the light of the christmas trees, tucked safely inside my home.
i am also, once again, reminded of what really matters.
someone to share your life with.
all the LITTLE things.
the warmth of another human against you.
well, not just any human.
but one you care about.
strong arms around you.
needing to get back to that place where i can shut out the world.
and hopefully in the process, paint something that conveys passion. intensity. rawness. and beauty.
always beauty.

7 things about alexander. because he's turning 7.

2010-11-17T22:01:00.000-08:00

november 18th is alexander's birthday.
7 years ago today i went into labor.
i've been wishing james was here all day (as i do everyday) so we could talk about the day before zan was born when i went into the hospital and the day after, when he was actually born.
i made this birthday banner today.
i put it up so that when zan gets up in the morning he will see it.
it's the first crafty thing i have done in forever.

because he is turning 7, i'm doing 7 things about alexander:

1) i call him zan. only family and very close friends are allowed to call him that.

2) at school so far he has gone by alexander. he is deciding, however, whether he wants to change that to xander.

3) that kid has a wicked adorable evil little laugh!

4) he misses his dad and talks about him often. last night he said, "am i a miniature version of dad?" my answer? yes. you absolutely are.

5) he loves swords (of the nerf variety of course) and is obsessed with playing his DSI.

6) 90% of the time he is mellow. very, very mellow. the other 10%? watch the fuck out. the other 10% is when he is pissed off. and it ain't pretty. takes a lot to get him to that point, but when it happens....it's all out.

7) the kid has a unique sense of style. he doesn't care if his clothes match. he loves his 'eskimo' hat and wears it often. he digs having long hair and stands up for himself when people in the store, or other various places, mistake him for a girl. he sternly tells them (and it cracks me up when he does it), "i'm a boy!!!!" picture him glaring at you while he says it with his adorable little boy face.

i should do more than 7 things about alexander.

7 just isn't enough.

i should mention how he loves broccoli and brussel sprouts.

he likes sour candy more than chocolate (definitely gets that from james)!

he loves, like loves loves loves to make (author and illustrate) comic books.

and then sell them to me.

sometimes he seems so much older than he is.

but then when i tuck him in, and he HAS to have blue blankie and gallobs (a stuffed puppy HE named), i remember that he's still little. very, very little.

happy birthday alexander harrison danger reed.

i love you.

disconnected.

2010-11-10T21:36:00.000-08:00

feeling very disconnected.
the silence is deafening.
and there is no ice cream.
anyone who gets my sense of humor will find that entertaining.
took this photo on sunday with my iPhone.
more hipsta shots.
really lovin 'em.
this is where i live.
and i gotta say, it's beautiful here.
missing feeling connected TO someone.
i'm definitely strong enough to stand on my own.
but it's nice, knowing that you don't have to.
IF you don't want to.

who wants it more.

2010-11-08T19:36:00.000-08:00

i want this.
and have been taking small steps.
but i am not letting this happen.
and i am not sure why.
i need to clear my mind.
to be quiet.
so i can hear myself think.
from the inside.
to be mindful.
i need to make things happen.
i need to clear what is trapped in my brain.
start fresh.
a clean palatte.
no one is going to do this for me.
no one is going to do this but me.
it will be ALL me.
it will come from inside.
the true beauty of what is within you.
leaving you raw.
and open.
yet only you know the true emotion/story/intention behind each painting.
a need so strong, so powerful, nothing can stop it.
eventually.
maybe...some day...i can get back to that.
i want it.
what they see....it's different for each person....
it will speak to them.
it will move them.
the color.
the subject.
contrast.
rawness.
the power.
i feel it inside me.
gnawing at me.
begging me to do this.
to find a way to let it out.
find a way to tap in to that magic zone.
that place where you go.
where everything else fades away.
but your focus is clear.
sharp.
you can go. and go. paint for hours.
people could be watching you and you wouldn't notice.
or care.
because you are tapped in.
i NEED that.
so why am i not letting it happen.

hipsta app. cool shit.

2010-11-03T19:31:00.000-07:00

hipsta print taken with my iPhone.
in my studio.
november 1, 2010.
if something feels right, how can you be scared of it.
SHOULD you be scared of it.
it seems to fit.
yet it shouldn't.
how can it possibly???
it mystifies you.
how did this happen.
i do nothing but question it. in its absence.
but when it is present, all else is forgotten.
things just feel right.
i am afraid.
the simple things in life ARE the best things.
i know this.
i really really do.
someone's arms around you in comfort or passion....
a gentle kiss.
the caress of someone ever so gently brushing your skin.
touching your hand.
rubbing your back....
quiet time with no conversation.
times of rapid conversation where you are engaged.
and before you know it 3 hours have passed.
sharing your passions.
knowing that there is someone there.
for YOU.
a sense of peace.
a deep breath.
when it goes away it comes crashing down hard around you.
that IS what matters.
these are the things i miss.

cut the crap.

2010-10-22T20:40:00.000-07:00

i like doing weird things to photos.
i think it makes them more interesting.
i also think it's a way for me to hide.
you can only see me in the way *I* want you to.
you get to see the manipulated photo.
not the original untouched version.
something is happening to me.
and it's scaring the crap out of me.
written word is easier for me.
i'm not that great at face to face 'real' talking.
you know, the kind filled with emotion.
the difficult kind.
but gimme a computer and i can whip up an email that is straight to the point.
direct.
i say few words.
but the words i choose say a lot.
i personally think that's powerful.
SO much easier when i'm not face to face with someone.
i'm saying this because when james first died, i said and did a lot of things that i otherwise would not have.
i decided to cut the crap.
that life is too short.
so now, i pretty much (even though sometimes it is excruciatingly paintul to ME)....
even so...i say what i think.
and i mean what i say.
but.
i am finding myself full of fear.
finding myself NOT able to fully act in the way that i want to.
because what i want to do requires opening myself up.
and i'm not sure i am ready for that.

took a little trip to seattle.

2010-10-19T19:53:00.000-07:00

took a little trip to seattle.
in my short skirt.
knee high socks.
high boots.
and bad ass faux fir collar'd jacket.
it was damn nice.
did what *I* wanted to do.
wasn't a mom.
slept in.
enjoyed every second.
except for the part where i got a little bit drunk.
one night.
i sometimes wonder wtf comes over me.
should have made some small adjustments.
and then let the evening carry on.
but i didn't.
which i'm angry at myself about.
that is not like me.
i think i have a hard time reconciling who i am as just me.
vs. the person i always am, which is ethan and alexander's mother.
it's like i forget who i am...like i'm not sure who to be, exactly.
because i'm not used to NOT being with the boys.
when i get time away, i'm sort of feeling my way through it.
trying to remember who i am.
not doing a very good job.
went to pike place market.
it was awesome.
ate some fresh, hot doughnuts.
so good.
walked around and looked at everything.
ate some crab.
enjoyed the way it smelled.
enjoyed being able to look at what i wanted to see.
all the flowers were amazing.
SO beautiful.
bought THE ugliest bag i could find.
it's felted wool but looks like a big 70's shag rug.
it fucking rocks.
did the tourist thing.
and enjoyed it.
because i didn't have kids to keep track of.
and yell at.
this photo will somehow translate into a painting.
at some point.
the composition, colors...texture...
it will turn into something.
just not sure exactly what yet.
had a mini breakdown inside starbucks.
where i purchased myself a nice iced latte.
and stared out the window while thinking about the good things in my life.
i was scared.
and happy.
at the same time.
scared, because i was having a great weekend.
happy, because i was having a great weekend.
a little sad, too, i suppose because, well, i still get sad sometimes.
for no apparent reason.
one of the views from the top of the space needle.
come on.
it had to be done.
i was in seattle!
it was a good trip.
i still haven't quite learned how to completely let go of worrying about the boys when they aren't with me.
but i also really really didn't want the weekend to end.
because i loved having kid-free time.
i am always always always full of conflict.
it was nice to get home, and see the boys.
but damn. it was a fine weekend.
nice to be away.
and out doing something.
just being me.

i've gone brunette. er.

2010-10-13T23:05:00.000-07:00

gave my iPhone to E today.
he took these as we were walking in to zan's school for his parent/teacher conf today.
first off, i've gone brunette(er).
darkened my color.
made it richer.
still not used to it.
also chopped it.
again.
i've had this nagging feeling ALL day.
finally figured out what it is.
first off, alexander was in a play at school today.
so i went.
it is THE shit that makes me saddest.
that james isn't here for these things.
because if he were alive, he would have been.
just reminds me, again, what is missing from the boys' lives.
that's how the morning started.
later in the day we went back to zan's school for his parent/teacher conference.
again, something james would have been present for.
so tonight, i sat, thinking.
feeling like something huge is missing from my life.
well, duh.
aside from the obvious, i realized i have no one to talk to about zan's conference.
james and i would have talked about it.
later.
after the boys were in bed.
just sort of mulled it over......
talked about zan's level in reading, how just like his father he is in this area, and any areas he might be struggling with.
zan's progress is really only something *I* care about.
zan is *MY* child.
it just makes me sad zan didn't have two parents watching him in the play.
two parents present for the parent/teacher conf.
i don't want the boys to grow up *wishing* things had been different.
i guess i can't stop that from happening.
they are always going to wish their father was still alive.
i just see the kids who have no parent show up.
and i am sure that hurts the child.
yes, zan has me.
but still....it's not what it would have been if james was still alive.
i am the only one to share in his triumphs.
or to worry about him in any way.
to be there to help him.
i just have had this feeling, more so today, than usual, that there is something hugely missing from my life.
i can only imagine how the boys feel.
they aren't capable of connecting their feelings to the proper words that go with them.
so we can talk about them.
they struggle silently.
at least i can write about it.
leave it here.
i happen to love the photo ethan took of me and zan. zan and me? too lazy.
it's classic alexander.
he's cute. adorable, actually.
and funny.
and mischevious. but in a good way. MOST of the time.
i wish more than anything that james was here to watch him grow up.
to see the changes in him.
they are huge.

finished.

2010-09-30T21:34:00.000-07:00

finished. i think.
it has depth (not as in distance).
though it does have that too.
depth as in, there is a lot to it.
layers.
texture.
strength.
contrast (light and dark).
rich, deep colors.
you can't see it in the photo but the black has so much color to it.
red, yellow, white, purple.
i can't tell you how much better it looks in person.

alexander harrison danger reed.

2010-09-18T17:07:00.000-07:00

one of my absolute all time favoriate photos of alexander.

sept 15, 2010

he was freshly out of the shower with his long locks hanging down.

love.

like seriously.

i love love love this kid.

and this photo.

this week hasn't been the best.

i am beyond exhausted.

forgetting things.

what i wouldn't pay for decent sleep.

for the asshole construction dude building the house across the street to not start working at 5am.

some things have been upsetting me this week.

things, it turns out, that i just needed to remind myself don't really matter.

what matters is what i have been through.

the crazy intense love james and i had for each other.

that i am doing what i need to for the boys.

and TRYING to do what i need for myself.

but sometimes i lose my way.

things become hard.

when they don't need to be.

so today i made the boys lay in bed with me.

and let them play their DSI's.

and i took a nap.

because if i didn't, it would have been a bad scene.

i am trying to get myself pumped back up.

so i can function at the level the boys need me to function at.

that *I* NEED to function at.

so instead of just talking about this shit, i can actually DO some of it.

written in a moment of extreme emotion.

2010-09-15T21:21:00.000-07:00

i once told therapist dude i thought the only way i could ever get over james was to find someone else to be with.
that i wanted someone to fill that huge, giant void in my life.
not that any person would ever replace james.
because they couldn't.
therapist dude's response: you're never going to 'get over' james. you're always going to love him. and miss him. but you are going to find a way to live your life without him.
so sometimes i feel like i am living two seperate lives.
one where i am paralyzed by sadness and literally am sick to my stomach because i miss james so much.
and one where life feels...well....normal.
because i KNOW my life doesn't include james now.
i realize that.
everything james-related is in the past.
it's just that that is so sad.
sometimes, i see or hear something.
something that sends me back in time.
like in a stupid movie where someone is being shocked because their heart stopped.
and that person dies.
yes. i realize it's just a movie.
but i have ALWAYS been very affected by movies, television, music....
art....
i sometimes think i feel things so, hm, how to describe it.
it just feels like things are coming at me hard and fast.
but nothing has really changed.
except internally.
and it's all because some sad shit happened in a movie, or whatever, and then all the emotion that i spend all this time and energy keeping down inside all the sudden comes RUSHING to the top.
sometimes i see james' blank, staring eyes.
and picture his body jumping up off the OR table after the defibrilator was implanted because they had to stop his heart and test the device.
fucking harsh.
and horrible.
but that shit actually happened.
it's the thing i was most distraught over while waiting in the waiting room while james was in surgery.
i was there by myself.
standing up against a wall.
i was fine.
but then.....
i couldn't keep it together.
and started crying.
silently.
trying so hard not to be noticed.
when some stranger came up to me and asked me if i was okay.
and, "did i mind if they hugged me".
such a kind gesture.
and now i'm laughing because that person had no idea how much i hate strangers touching me. much less hugging me.
i'm ALL over someone i like, or love, touching me, or hugging me.
and i love to touch and hug other people.
IF i know them.
i just shook my head no, with an 'i'm so sorry i know you are trying to be kind look on my face' and backed away.
got it together.
sat on the floor of the waiting room.
listened to my iPod.
until dr. ass came out to talk to me.
he had absolutely NO regard for james, for me......
so clinical.
making sure to give me details about when they shocked james' heart with the defibrilator they had just implanted into his chest.
and THAT is one of the worst things that ever happened to james.
it changed our lives.
james did it because he wanted to make sure he would be here for his children.
isn't that funny? yeah, i know. not really. but really?!
the device did NOT save him.
and i will never forget dr. ass coming out to tell me about the surgery.
what a horrible man he was.
so uncaring.
but that's just my side.
i am sure he has his own story to tell.
though honestly, i'm not sure what it could possibly be that could help explain away his uncaring, unfeeling manner.
how james was just another patient.
not a real person.
man.
father.
my best friend.
there are times, many times, when i do not think about these things.
but so far....these images find their way back to me.
i know there will be a time when they are less frequent.
they aren't excessively frequent now.
but they're still there.
so this is me, dumping the shit.
the horrible images.
leaving them here.
so when i go back to 'real life' i am not thinking about these things.
so i can get on with my life.
paint some paintings.
raise our boys.
live in this quiet, small, coastal town.
and just be.

metamorphasis. very, very slow metamorphasis.

2010-09-14T19:31:00.000-07:00

this, is now:

this.
not done. but finally made time to work on it again. i seem to spend 15 min here or 15 min there. i hate that kind of disjointed painting. but lately, it's all i seem capable of. layers and texture are important to me. of course composition and depth are just as important if not more so. this painting has changed drastically (and it may not look like it to you). but it has. i'm still not even sure how abstract this will end up being. it was going to be a bridge/pier kind of piece. then a boat in water. then just a water meets horizon line piece. broad. breath-taking, expansive. a painting (one of mine anyway) takes on several looks before it becomes just what i want it to be. but sometimes i don't even have control of how it ends up. it's like no matter how hard i try, the same style of painting comes out of me. and i haven't decided if that's good. or bad. it's, of course, extremely important to have 'your' own style. i'm just not sure i'm happy with exactly where mine is at. i want more control. to change things as i deem necessary instead of feeling daunted by the way the painting keeps turning out as if i have no control over it. when i do. hard to exlain. anywho, i have three different pieces going right now. this one, a black blue/green blue piece. and an offwhite green black piece. i love having other pieces to go to when something needs to dry or i just need to walk away from a certain piece for a while. i still have yet to find a day since the boys went back to school when i take them to school, go immediately home and start painting. it's been going to the beach for a run, helping out in the classroom, meetings with teachers, errands, and oh yeah, that pesky i better buy food before we starve thing. tomorrow morning? more errands. thursday is my day. the day of nothing but painting. i do have to say, one thing i really like about my art (is this totally rude and cooth-less to say something good about my own art??).....i love its 'raw' quality. my art is raw. it has a raw, edgy, take-me-as-i-am kind of feel and i dig that. it's how *I* am. that part of me i think is definitely conveyed into and through my art.

sometimes the urge is so strong.

2010-09-09T21:30:00.000-07:00

starting to feel like doing nothing but make art.
sometimes the urge is so strong it cannot be ignored.
just want to play.
explore.
try new things.
open my world up.....
feeling inspired.
which is rare!
trying to take away the fear.
fear of not creating something great.
just need to let it be what it is.
if i like it, great.
if i don't, no worries.
paint another one!
every time i paint i learn something.
become a better artist.
i just need to park the fear.
walk away from it.
just let myself go.

oripeircme

2010-09-07T20:06:00.000-07:00

the other night at about midnight i decided to start painting.
had to get up early the next day but whatev.
i just felt like painting.
so i did.
i painted for a few hours, went to bed and then, of course, couldn't sleep.
because i was jacked up from painting.
should have just stayed up and worked on the painting.
this is it.
in progress.
i have put in the base.
begun the layers.
it's going to be something when i'm done.
no.
really.
it is.
abstract, but recognizable.
i hope.
anywho.....
tomorrow the boys go back to school.
on my agenda?
drop them off at school.
this will be, after all, the first time both of them have been in school all day.
after drop off, off i go with callie to the beach.
for my first official run.
yes.
you read that right.
i'm running.
and not from anyone.
just because i want to.
i HATE running.
but i'm going to try and change that.
and see if i can learn to love it.
reading a book about running.
we'll see how it goes.
i'm not all about the exercise.
i mean, i love to walk on the beach.
and do about 4 days a week.
i'm all about the yoga.
i am NOT all about the running.
or did i mention that already.
so tomorrow, you'll find me on the beach about 8:30am.
running.
or, passing the fuck out.
because i ran.
or because i'm so out of shape and ran.
either way, i'm doing it.
and after, when i can breathe again, i'll find my way to a hot cup of coffee.
and to my studio.
where i will begin working.
seriously working.
like with no little boys distracting me.
or fighting.
so who knows.
maybe i'll actually get something done!
would be nice since i have painted about 10 secnds since the boys got out of school three months ago!

weekend recap.

2010-09-06T21:02:00.000-07:00

i am listening to the rain.
i find it very comforting.
the house is now empty except for me and the boys.
my bro and his boys are now safely back in california.
trying to change my attitude.
it's better.
but when i listen to myself.....
really listen to myself....
i can tell i'm still not me.
the me i used to be.
in certain situations, it's getting harder to reign in the emotion.
harder to keep things to myself.
which scares the shit out of me.
i think i have found a small piece of happy.
not the same happy i used to have.
but some happy nonetheless.
and i'm afraid it's going to go away.
or maybe it's not really even there to begin with.
at times i am sure, i mean SURE it is.
but then, in an instant, i am again filled with nothing but doubt.
i just know that in certain circumstances i can take a deep breath.
and am filled with a sense....hm.....how to describe it.
a small bit of peace???
it's scary.
because i cannot have my new level of comfort, this itty bitty small bit of peace i feel from time to time, yanked away.
i'm not sure i could handle it.
so i sit, unsure of what to do.
so i do nothing.
and just go forward trying in the best way i know how, to put my worries and fear aside.
and to just live it.
however it rolls out.

lkdAJWIjs

2010-08-27T00:34:00.000-07:00

there is this place i like to go.
a place where the river meets the ocean.
or the ocean meets the river.
however that works.
it's peaceful to me.
the only drawback is this is a popular place.
and i'm more a fan of the unpopulated place.
i go to this place (with the boys).
always with the boys.
there are no options.
i take callie for a walk.
the boys play on 'the rock'.
or they walk with me.
or they play on the beach while i walk.
callie gets in the water.
then i sit.
there's a little concrete slab thing.
when the tide isn't too high i can sit right on it.
the view is truly beautiful.
maybe i should have shown the view.
instead of my purple toes.
looking to the left is the open ocean.
to the right is the river.
not the best photo.
but i don't really care.
the sun was in my eyes.
i am always searching/looking for things that make me feel.
because i spend so much time not feeling.
but then odd out of the blue things fill me with emotion.
things that 'should' make me cry, don't.
through it all, through the last year and whatever it's been now....
i try hard not to focus on the amount of time that has passed...
i hold out hope.
hope for something better in my life.
at some point.
hope to feel 'normal'.
not back to the way i was, because i will never be that again.
but MY new normal.
hope that some day that completely sad/overcome/empty feeling will entirely go away.
sometimes i just don't think i can take the sadness anymore.
my life is SO much better than it was.
i HAVE made good choices.
i recognize and acknowledge that.
but even so, i am still filled with such a sadness.
an emptiness.
and i just really really really want it to go away.
where is that softer me.
instead of the hard-edged not gonna let anyone in again me.
i feel like so much has been taken.
yet i still have so much to be thankful for.
i know i need to focus on that.
some days, it's just easier said, than done.

my hair is getting damn long.

2010-08-25T21:58:00.000-07:00

it's weird to me, to be wearing a fleece jacket, in august.
trips me out.
i love living in astoria.
sometimes, a friend will say something, without malicious intent.
something that strikes a chord with them.....
they in turn, share that thought with you.
the problem for me is, though....
sometimes those shared thoughts and observations.....
they stick with me.
even when i don't want them to.
they focus on the ONE negative aspect of something or someone you hold important.
i don't think they 'mean' to.
it comes from a place i have been.
and maybe am still in.
a place of negativity.
i need to be understanding.
however.
my initial reaction is to pull away.
and keep to myself.
stop sharing.....anything.
this observation that was shared with me....
it came from a place of judgment.
that, i don't appreciate.
but, like i said, i am trying to come from a place of understanding.
and just let it go.

this is us.

2010-08-24T23:30:00.000-07:00

alexander, callie and ethan.
pretty classic.
post-james, anyway.
alexander with a sword.
hello.
the kid is obsessed.
it's kind of scary, actually. ;-)
callie going for her (almost) daily puppy walk.
she couldn't be happier.
unless she was plopped down in the ocean.
she loves the water.
and brings home about half of the beach with her. then there's ethan.
always with his hat (a fedora).
always with a stick on the beach.
me following behind with my iPhone.
this is us.
spending what time we can at the beach.
i think the boys have had a good summer.
it's been filled with visits from auntie. and uncle. (seperately).....
visits from cousins (my bro's kids).
a quick trip to seattle.
a trip to spokane.
and our most recent trip.
going to the movies.
playing with friends.
more trips to the aquatic center than i can count.
endless hours of swimming, going down the slide, floating down the lazy river.
the boys....well....just being kids.
being boys.
school starts on sept 7th (for one hour, then 'officially' starts with a full day on the 8th).
two more weeks to go.
james, and i...and the boys.....
we used to be self-sufficient.
all we needed was each other.
i have tried hard to make our family of three feel like family again.
it's hard, when you're used to that fourth person.
he was SO important to us.
i knew the move would either make me completely and totally insane...or...
it would bring us (the boys and i) closer together.
today i would tell you it has brought us closer together.
tomorrow it may be a different story. ;-)
i think i am very in tune with my boys.
i know what they like.
where they spend their time.
who they spend it with.
every once in a while i am completely surprised by ethan.
he is 9 now.
today in the car he and alexander high five'd each other.
a couple of days ago he flat out said, 'i love you little bro'.
out of the blue.
i gave no reaction but on the inside i was passing out.
they either love each other.
or they are fighting.
alexander is coming into his own as well.
mr. independent.
i think james would be proud of me.
for the decisions i have made.
the actions i have taken.
for putting the boys first (while at the same time taking into account what *I* need/needed).
i do, too, from time to time, put myself totally and completely first.
times i try (and this might not be nice, but it IS true) to let the boys completely go from my mind.
it just has to happen.
so yes, there are times, when i put myself first.
when i am selfish.
there is guilt that comes with it.
there are times i just don't care and put myself first anyway.
not sure why, i just felt like writing about the boys tonight.

from time to time.

2010-08-23T21:07:00.000-07:00

i want to melt into strong arms.
to not know where they end and i begin.
briefly.
to surrender myself.
and just admit that i do want that.
from time to time.
no matter how hard i have tried to fight it and say that i don't.
it is SO fucking hard to admit that.
why is that i wonder.
i don't think wanting to be cared for....
comforted....makes me any less of a strong person.
but maybe it does.
took this phot with my iPhone 8.15.10.
first part of our trip was spent with my family in california.
it was good. hot, but good. you undestand i HATE hot hot hot weather.
went from 60s (in astoria) to the 100's (or damn close to it).
and that, my friends, to way too fucking hot for me.
ick.
i ended up spending a fair amount of time alone on this trip.
not alone as in gee, i don't have the boys with me and i should be doing something great.
alone as in the peeps i was staying with went to bed.
early.
very early.
and i couldn't sleep.
OR....the peeps i was with wanted to go to loud places.
or shopping.
and i didn't.
loud places and shopping are so not my thing.
so i hung out by myself until they were done.
going away made me realize that i do, in fact, consider astoria home.
all i wanted to do was go home.
i felt homesick.
for james, i think.
AND my home/life in astoria.
i really, really really wanted to go 'home'.
the second half of the trip was spent where we used to live.
turned out to be hard to go back.
part of the reason is, a friend of mine *deep breath* felt it would be good for the boys to visit our old house.
i emphatically stated before we even left that i didn't want that.
but it happened.
against my wishes.
when i found out what was going on i, of course, felt i had to go.
i wanted to be there to answer any of the boys' questions.
to support them emotionally......these little boys equate our old house to their father.
it's where he got up one day, showered, got dressed and drove away to work.
but then never came back.
i felt, and at this point in time, i still think i made the right decision, not to take the boys to see james in the hospital.
i didn't want them to see him hooked up to machines, tubes, everywhere....
to see his non-responding eyes.
the smells.
the sounds.
it was NOT a place for children.
i wanted them to remember their father as the strong, vibrant man he was.
okay...anywho....
the new owners graciously showed us every room.
even the back yard and garage.
alexander just wanted to swing on his old playset.
ethan wanted to know if his room had been painted.
i painted it blue and he wanted to make sure it was STILL blue.
i was doing fine.
no emotion (that i was showing on the outside).
UNTIL....the new owner walked us into my old bedroom and bathroom.
it was there i could see, plain as day...james standing in front of the mirror...shaving, brushing his teeth, taking his meds....
and i had to get out.
i HAD to get out.
i kept it together and got the boys back to my friend's house and inside.
and then i sat in the garage.
and cried.
after 10 or so minutes i got my shit together, went in and was back and present with the boys.
my friend and i had words over this.
as their mother, i felt it was MY decision whether or not the boys went over to the old house.
that was taken away from me.
the act was not malicious.
it was done with thoughts that going back would provide some sort of closure for us.
what my friend didn't understand is......
it's just a house.
to me, anyway.
to the boys, it was more.
i get that.
and i would have taken them if THEY had asked.
the day i moved to astoria.....
the day i drove away.....
THAT was closure for me.
i never intended to set foot back in that house again.
didn't want to.
didn't need to.
turns out, i did anyway.
my friend apologized.
we moved on.
before dinner with james' mom (major reason for this trip was to keep the connection between the boys and james' family).....
my friend and i took a little detour.
i wanted a little something done.
a new piercing....
turns out so did about 15 other peeps.
the line was incredible.
so we left.
alexander, kyler, ethan, sawyer and riley.
kyler, sawyer and riley are my nephews.
they are my brother and christine's boys.
when we moved i promised the boys they would still see their cousins.
i have kept my promise.
one of the hardest parts of moving the boys has been how far away we now are from these boys (and their parents).
alexander and kyler have a special bond.
ethan, sawyer and riley do too.
sawyer and riley are twins and are very close to ethan's age.
kyler looks after alexander (being the youngest).
it's the sweetest thing ever.
i miss these boys.
the 'first time' going back is over.
won't be rushing back anytime soon.
i know, eventually, i will have to go back.
so the boys can see james' family.
i'll deal with that when the time comes.
for now i am just more than happy to be back in astoria.

if i could go back.

2010-08-19T20:20:00.000-07:00

i own a plane. well, part of a plane. this is alexander sitting in said plane. once upon a time, james was healthy. he wanted to learn how to fly. so he did. we bought a plane (along with a couple of partners so the expense wasn't quite so high). it was an old falling apart plane that james and my brother put back together. it took hours (and hours and hours) of engine rebuilding and learning things they did not yet know. flying was something james loved to do. before we had kids, we would hop in our plane for quick weekend trips. those are good memories people. fucking good memories. learning to fly is NOT easy. it requires ground school, hour after hour (after hour) of instruction (from a qualified flight instructor), access to a plane to fly while learning how to fly, and then logging a couple hundred solo hours flying a plane hoping to hell you don't do anything stupid and end up dead. then you must take a check ride (where you are scrutenized by yet another qualified person). said qualified person decides if you're good enough...have met the criteria....and hopefully you don't do anything completely stupid because you're taking the equivalency of a diver's test up in the air. mistakes are kind of a problem.

once upon a time i took ground school. and decided that *I* wanted to learn how to fly. and then james got sick. and i didn't finish. how could *I* fly the plane if he couldn't?! how would he feel if i was sitting in the left seat and he wasn't? the left seat being where the pilot sits in a small plane(you know, in case you don't know how small planes work)....

so i gave it up.

i walked away.

i put obstacles in the way of finishing.

college.

then i had ethan.

by the time james and i had kids, he had already lost his medical (the FAA doesn't like people with heart problems flying around). so our boys never went anywhere with us in the plane. it was as if that chapter in our lives just ended. that was it.

i am sure my brother is going to kill me, posting a photo of him without his approval.....but....i happen to love this photograph. yes, that is my brother sitting in the left seat of our plane with alexander. while on our little trip (which i will discuss later)......i asked my brother to encourage the boys to take a ride in the plane. once james lost his license (and i walked away), our plane pretty much was flown by my brother (who also got his pilot's license). so when we went to see my brother and his boys last weekend, i asked my bro to encourage my boys to take a flight. the boys know their dad was a pilot. but since james never got to take them up flying, it didn't really mean anything to them. my hope was, that the boys be introduced to something new. something that perhaps ONE of them would love. turns out, alexander was quite excited. uncle let him 'fly' the plane. uncle let him take control of the yoke. they did some zero g's. which, btw, alexander totally loved! right on. lol... the kid is fearless. it was awesome. so, anyway.....my hope was that one of them would be introduced to some of the things that meant so much to their father and that they would like it. every new thing your child is exposed to could open the door to something they hold as a life-long love. it could be the ONE thing that changes their life forever.

will this be the case with zan and flying? i don't know. but i do know that i am so happy he went up. that uncle barry let him fly the plane. that uncle barry let him put the landing gear down. that uncle barry let him flip all the crazy switches (and dude, there are a lot of them)......alexander now has a happy memory to equate with the words "daddy was a pilot. daddy used to fly this plane". alexander wore james' headset. nice touch, though sad (to me) at the same time. bittersweet i guess it is.

now....on to what this meant to ME. i did not go up in the plane this past weekend. i wanted to. just didn't work out. flying a small plane is quite a rush. taking off, landing....there really is SO much to know, and do, and control. it was this particular day, while my brother took zan up for his first flight, that i wished i had not walked away. because flying is something i enjoy. if i had really wanted to, i COULD have finished. james would never have stopped me. he would have supported me. it was a decision *I* made. and one i wish i had made differently. i just couldn't see finishing. i thought it would hurt james. so i walked away.

i believe if there is something you want to do, bad enough, you will find a way to do it. i did not want to fly bad enough. i let too many obstacles/emotions/worry get in the way. i SHOULD have done it. finished. but i did not.

i am very happy, though, that alexander has now been up in one of the planes daddy used to fly. that flying was introduced to him. hoefully he will have the chance again fairly soon to go up in our plane. i want to build on this first experience. i am going to try and let go of this, regret, i guess it is, about not finishing. i made my choice. i know it really boils down to me not wanting it enough.

work in progress.

2010-08-12T12:13:00.000-07:00

this week i have been preparing.
preparing to get on a plane.
to go back.
back to the place that holds so many memories for us.
part of me, doing right by the boys, and james....
is taking the boys to see his mom.
and his sister.
and her kids.
going back is NOT something i want to do.
but i'm doing it.
because it's the right thing to do for the boys.
because if it had gone the other way, and i had been the one that died, i would want james to do the same for me.
worked on this painting last night.
it made me focus.
THAT is a fucking amazing part about painting.
how once you start, and are focused......
IF you can get focused.....
once that happens....
you CAN.
you do.
just that.
you paint.
and breathe.
listen to music.
and just be.
while you create something.
something that comes from inside you.
still not done.
but the tone has changed.
another layer has been added.
it's deeper.
richer.
it was nice to paint last night.
i needed it.

something spectacular.

2010-08-08T12:05:00.000-07:00

started this painting two months ago.
haven't touched it since.
another abstract.
work in progress.
it's at a good place.
i like it so far.
sometimes when i like a painting i become afraid to take it further.
for fear of fucking it up.
course i can't walk away from this one.
it's clearly not finished.
this is a big piece (36 x 48).
last night i experienced a sense of peace.
doing something simple....hangin at home....
enjoying the company of those i was with.
it was nice.
a sense of peace.
it was damn nice.
enjoying a glass of wine....
something on the grill....
just your everyday shit.
nothing spectacular....just nice....which, turns out....IS something spectacular.
make sense?
it does to me.

anyone want to count how many times the word fuck has been written in this post?

2010-08-05T20:00:00.000-07:00

unedited iPhone photo.
8.5.10
i have told myself i am stupid about 50 million times today.
for even thinking about opening myself up.
what the fuck was i thinking.
someone snap me out of it.
fucking shake some sense into me.
i fucking lost my mind and was acting crazy.
seriously.
what the fuck was i thinking.
even CONSIDERING it.
thinking, 'wouldn't it be nice'.
but clearly i am an idiot.
here is where i'd really like to spell out exactly what it is i am talking about.
but i can't.
unless i quick go start another blog.
so i'll just be vague.
for now.
to think i even thought there might be something.
clearly i am an idiot.
what. the fuck. was i thinking.
today has not been a good day.
a happy day.
it's been filled with holy fuck.
i have to rewind and suck that shit back in.
not anything i've said.
my actions.
because actions speak louder than words.
my actions have been unexplainable.
clearly i lost my fucking mind.
my reaction to recent events has, however, made it clear to me what it i want.
whether i'm ready to admit it or not.
yeah. and i'm not.
i'm going to squash it down.
make it go the fuck away.
i am angry at myself.
i thought i was in control.
turns out i was wrong.
turns out there are some things you just CAN'T control.
letting yourself become slightly vested in anything opens up the possibility of hurt.
and anger.
yay.
yeah, that was scarcasm.
holy fucking crap.
did i mention i'm angry at myself?
oh yeah. i think i did.
course, it also opens up other possibilities.
i am aware of that.
and it was only a tiny step i was considering.
i'm finding myself full of shit.
apparently i talk big.
about wanting to life live.
passionately.
fully.
but when it comes down to it...
i am scared.
i feel like i've lost something.
something i didn't know i wanted until the possibility was yanked away.
maybe it was never even there to begin with.
i hope all this fucking shit goes away soon.
i prefer the feel nothing but get through the day without crying option.

containment.

2010-07-31T22:17:00.000-07:00

this post is for me.
documenting a part of my life in a way i never have before.
this is me.
at my absolute weakest.
what would possess me to grab my iPhone and take THIS photo??
looking at photographs is like stopping time.
you can see yourself (or whatever it is you are looking at) in an EXACT moment.
that, for me, is key.
key in helping me determine just what the fuck it is, or was, that was making me so sad/angry/unhappy/whatever.
in that given moment.
'that moment' is the point where i want to say fuck it.
where i want to let myself fall over the edge.
no, you don't need to be worried about me.
i'm just talking about a momentary break.
a way to escape.
that can be done in many ways.
so far, i have been able to stop myself from going over the edge.
but letting it happen is appealing to me.
because in that nothingness, you're happy.
yes, i know it's a false happy.
but it's a break.
my pattern is this.
i get sad.
then angry.
then pissed off.
yes, angry and pissed off are two different things to me.
then i get the attitude that i don't give a fuck.
it's hard to come back from that.
easy to let myself go.
for a bit.
as i have been doing a lot lately, i struggled with whether or not to post this.
i considered writing it, and just leaving it unposted in drafts.
but this is me.
there is this part of me.
a part i am....well....constantly trying to contain.
this is not a cry for help.
i am fine.
so no 'kimberly, seek help' comments.
i would never do anything to cause pain to my boys.
it is my plan to ALWAYS be here for them.
if you don't like what you read here, stop reading.
i'm just sayin.
the boys do not see this side of me.
i need a place to let it out.
and this is it.
on the up side (and this makes me laugh)...and no people, i'm really not crazy, i have damn cute hair.
tonight, at least.
as you can see, i overcame the moment of weakness.
now i am back to being my smart-ass self.
all is well.
i just feel it's important for me to post this.
it's almost as if my blog (at times) has become my art journal.
sans the art part. *sigh* how i miss making art.
i seem to be so completely touched, and easily overcome by music.
that was what set me off earlier, sitting here at my desk.
the boys were taking their showers.
i was listening to music.
as i always do.
and a song came on that just brought on this rush of powerful emotion.
it overtook me.
filled me with so much emotion.
the only way i could deal was to let it out.
that's how i roll.
i keep it all inside.
and then something totally unrelated to all the crap brings it out.
a song.
a simple song.
a melody.
and then it ALL comes pouring out.
and then it passes.
and all is well.

grief.

2010-07-29T20:29:00.000-07:00

this post may not make much sense.

at least to someone else.

everyone grieves differently.

i do believe that to be true.

for me, at first, i couldn't grieve at all.

i was in too much shock.

my body went on auto pilot.

i cared for the boys.

did the things you do.

planned a service.

talked to E's teacher so she knew his father died.

so she would understand his behavior at school.

so began our life without james.

i would be overcome by severe and take your breath away emptiness.

throw up.

again and again.

a sadness i had not experienced before.

then i would go back on auto pilot for a while.

it was my body and mind's way of saying...whoa....that's a little too much there.

too much to handle.

too much to process.

there were so many stages of grief.

i am still grieving.

yet at this point, it doesn't take over my life.

at times, yes.

but not in an on-going holy fucking crap i can't breathe kind of way.

i can now talk about james.

and smile while doing it.

course, i'm sad too, but i can laugh, and think back fondly.

i can also, look back at photos, laugh AND cry at the same time.

happiness from the memories and sadness that there will never be more like them.

that include james.

why did i choose to post this particular photo you might wonder.

it's the last photograph of alexander and his father together.

alexander is four in the photo.

it was taken on september 1, 2008.

james died 5 weeks after this photo was taken.

it was a spur of the moment decision to take the boys miniature golfing that day.

alexander looks so young.

he seems so big to me now.

like a completely different kid now.

so grown up compared to how he looked in this photo.

here's the thing i'm most sad about (regarding my relationship with james).

i appreciated him when he was alive.

oh, you bet your ass i did.

i knew what a good man he was.

i knew it from the moment i met him.

but, what i didn't know....what i didn't FULLY realize, until james was gone.....

i didn't really appreciate him enough.

i didn't relish (is that even the right word) in us laying naked together.

when we were together, just the two of us (boys asleep or whatever)....there always seemed like there was something else we should be doing.

not just laying together, enjoying each other.

oh how wrong i was.

i appreciated the man he was.

the father he was.

yes, he had flaws.

we all do.

but i KNEW in the depths of my soul he was good.

and meant for me.

because he was.

and i wish, oh how i wish i would have just enjoyed HIM.

his body.

but it's true.

i miss that part of him.

of us.

and wish i would have given myself more fully to him in that way.

devoured him, and just fucking soaked it in.

as if it was going to go away.

because what do you know.

it did.

we were one way alone together.

the way two people are when they are crazy about each other.

the boys knew we loved each other.

we kissed, held hands in front of them....

but they never saw the raw sexual-intertwined emotional side of us.

as they shouldn't.

that was between us (me and james. uh, james and i)?

i just wish i had been more selfish, almost, and taken more of that time for us.

but we were always this.

or that.

i wish i had more fully appreciated that part of us.

because i miss it.

why have i been thinking so much about james lately?

i do not know the answer to that.

i really missed him today.

i miss him everyday.

but tonight i sought out photos.

i wanted to SEE him.

i can no longer smell him.

or feel him.

so i wanted to see him.

with the boys.

or at least one of them.

i think it was taking the boys to the aquatic center today.

watching their interaction.

knowing if james would have been there he would have been in the pool/going down the slide every second right along with the boys.

they have a different life now.

not bad.

just different.

so good in some respects.

but so sad and empty in others.

that feeling.

2010-07-28T23:52:00.000-07:00

WAY more than i would like, i feel, and have felt that feeling.
the feeling that time is running out.
that there is never enough time.
for me to sleep.
for me to paint.
for me to do other things that i want and need to do.
for me to be present and engaged with the boys.
i feel like i have to pack as much as i can into every minute that i have.
it's almost a panic, at times.
yet i'm not capable of doing it.
i'm wondering how to make that feeling go away.
it's like when you go on a trip, and you can't wait to go.
and the trip goes by in the blink of an eye.
before you know it, the trip is over and it's time to go home.
that's sort of how i feel about painting.
and doing other things.
about my kid-free time.
i wish i could make that feeling go away.
james' death has made me VERY aware of how quickly time goes by.
and how things can change.
and that you need to appreciate what you have while you have it.
appreciate every good thing that comes your way.
i hope to never lose sight of that.
and the other things i know to be important.
james' death really, truly did make me aware of what is truly important.
the things that really matter.

judment.

2010-07-27T22:28:00.000-07:00

i shouldn't post right now.
but here's what i say.
fuck it.
i have spent too much time NOT posting things because of what i 'should' do.
it's making me fade away.
why do people constantly bombard you with what THEY think YOU should be.
or do.
who can possibly think that my life is perfect.
i know the answer to that but i won't actually type it out.
my best friend, the man i love (here's where i'm not sure if i should put loved or love). because i loved him when he was alive. and i still love him now.
how can someone judge MY life.
when they haven't watched their husband with tubes and machines.
haven't smelled the smells that accompany days on end in a hospital.
how your husband doesn't look like your husband anymore.
he doesn't smell the way he used to smell.
you can't smell 'him' anymore.
only the plastic vent tube smell.
the smell of putrid liquid going into your husband through a feeding tube.
watched him go through hell, losing who he was because some random mother fucking virus attacked his heart.
because i was able to sell my house, and have another one built....my life is perfect.
just in case you were wondering.
what's not to love?
raising two children who miss their father more than anything.
telling them their father died.
watching the man you love with mucus coming out of his mouth because there's a ventilator tube down his throat.
so you take the suction thing and suck it out.
because it's the right thing to do.
because he deserves dignity.
looking at the man you love, laying in a hospital bed.
with eyes that don't see you.
with a body that doesn't respond.
making the decision to take him off life support.
living your life without him.
but yeah. life is perfect.
because i can make my house payment.
would it make you happier if i couldn't??
is that what you want?!
i will get this out and then feel better.
i KNOW i am lucky.
you better fucking believe i know that.
and i CAN do this.
i AM doing it.
and finding ways to grab on to little bits of happy.
hoping to find a way to hold on to more.
and i am angry (sometimes).
angry that i have NOTHING close to a regular family.
every relationship i have with my 'immediate' family is somehow fucked up.
i have not one single person that i can turn to.
and be completely open and honest with and feel like i am not being judged.
i have to find a way to let this anger go.
because it burns inside me.
it's always there.
and the relationship my boys have with james' family is pretty much nonexistent.
i guess if anything is ever to change, *I* must be the one that changes it.
why is that.
why is it always me making the effort.
i sometimes think certain peeps in my family say and do things out of jealousy.
jealously that i might have something they do not.
maybe jealousy isn't the right word.
maybe it's just they are so unhappy in their own world that they feel they must compare theirs to yours?
why can't people just be happy for you when good things happen.
and be there for you when they don't.
why does THEIR judgment have to enter the picture.
i just shake my head.
and now it's out.
and i feel better.
time to move on.

seattle.

2010-07-25T21:45:00.000-07:00

took a quick trip to seattle.
up on monday.
home on tuesday.
on my list of things to do....
pike fish market.
james and i never made it there together.
i wish we would have.
feeling overwhelmed.
i have sat and typed.
and deleted.
and typed.
and deleted.
can't get it all straight.
i just think it's time to let go of some of the shit.
so i can get out from under it.
i have been so filled with want and need to talk about james lately.
and i'm not sure why.
why now?
i get so completely filled with sadness about what the boys don't have in their lives.
but i can't discuss that here.
god how i wish i could immerse myself in painting.
or art journaling.
but once again, i feel 100% uninspired.
a complete and total lack of artistic energy.
i sure am going to be pissed when i piss away this time that i have and have nothing to show for it, aren't i.
scared shitless about something.
yeah. one more thing i can't talk about here.
i shake my head at that.
i know how to fix it.
just pisses me off that i have to.
so i have done nothing.
and posted very little.

blog posts should not have titles.

2010-07-14T00:26:00.000-07:00

it bothers me that i miss being part of an 'us'.
why can't i just suck it back in, take it back to the level it used to be (before james) and be happy with it just being me.
and not an us.
i am down with spending time by myself.
i don't like to paint when people are around.
i guess i'm just figuring out that i also like knowing there is someone for me to be with when i am ready.
when i want it.
it REALLY bothers me that i miss being part of an us.
i guess i thought i was more independent than that.
maybe i see wanting someone to hold me as a sign of weakness.
it's almost sad to me, that not much seems to phase me.
i'm not surprised when things don't go the way i thought they were going to go.
i'm not surprised when people say they will do things and they don't.
i'm also starting to get pissed off that i can't say what i really want to say here.
this blog is my journal.
yet i'm having to edit myself.
which totally pisses me off.
time to start a new blog??
thinking about it.

4th of july 2008, 2009 and 2010

2010-07-05T20:27:00.000-07:00

ethan
july 4, 2010
just look at his face.
he was truly excited and happy.

i was thinking, as i was driving home from the beach last night, about my past july 4th festivities.

2008 brought bob and elizabeth to town.
james and the boys and i went to lake tahoe with dan, jan, rachael, bob and elizabeth.
rachael soaked james with a bucket full of water as he was laying on the beach.
not to worry.
he got her back later.
a nice dinner and hanging at our house.
then later we made the trek to rancho san rafael park to watch the fireworks.
it involved a long walk to/from our car up and down a steep hill.
it was the first time i truly became scared and acknowledged that james was, in fact, getting worse.
he couldn't make the walk.
he eventually made it, telling me to take the boys on up ahead.
he didn't want them to miss any of the fireworks.
bob and elizabeth stayed with james.
and walked slowly.
very slowly.
fireworks were nice.
but for me, over-shadowed by the fear and worry that james was no longer able to walk that distance.
it was three months later that james died.

4th of july 2009 found the boys and i sick with the flu.
all three of us.
at the same time.
puking.
it was fucking miserable.
we didn't go anywhere.
or do anything.
we were supposed to spend the 4th with my brother and his kids in california.
but yeah...that didn't happen.

fast forward to 2010.
began the day by discussing with the boys what the 4th of july represents.
surprisingly enough, they had no idea.
i want them to know about the declaration of independence, who wrote it....the true meaning, not just that it's a holiday, we blow shit up and bbq food.
that is part of it....and i'm fine with that, as long as they understand the root of why we do what we do.
we live in a beautiful, small coastal town.
i bought fireworks.
that's a first for me.
they aren't allowed where we used to live.
so i was excited that the boys would have this experience.
we met up with a friend in the morning for the parade.
then later in the day met up with another friend for a beach bonfire, good food, and of course...the setting off of a hell of a lot of fireworks!
i heard ethan say, "this is the best 4th of july ever!"
with supervision and help the boys set off their very first fireworks.
and they couldn't have been more happy.
i, personally, had a really nice time.
tons of people all up and down the beach with bonfires, lighting fireworks...pretty damn cool.
these ordinary, gee, this sure is nice kind of day/moments....
they ARE how you're supposed to feel.
this IS it.
acknowledge it.
fucking breathe it in.
it felt good to be where i was.
it was when the boys were asleep in the car as i drove home that i became sad.
and scared.
happy, sad and scared at the same time.
happy to have had such a nice day.
sad because i miss james, and i know the boys miss their father.
think i better add guilty to that list.
i felt guilty because i had a nice 4th.
and i feel like i shouldn't be having 'nice' times.
times that almost feel normal.
if i could just completely let go of my past and get on with it.
i know it's okay...more than that....that i should have happiness in my life....it's all just very convaluted and confusing.
scared....well...i was scared because i felt a little bit of happy.
i am scared to feel good.
because i know how much it hurts when that good goes away.

things.

2010-07-01T19:38:00.000-07:00

i always drive with my window down.
even when it's raining.
i can't stop eating organic animal crackers from costco.
i read magazines from back to front.
if there's an article i want to read i read it.
then continue back to front.
haven't painted in almost two weeks.
that's a product of the boys being out of school for the summer.
i read somewhere, can't remember where, that if you let go of what you 'think' your life should be, and just let it be what it is, you'll be a lot happier.
good advice.
really missing having someone to live this life with.
to share things with.
to call.
text.
email.
hold hands with.
cuddle up next to and sleep with.
missing that person to talk to about things.
to have meaningful conversation with.
to talk about nothing with.
it's so weird to say, for ME to say....since i like spending time by myself....
i really miss being part of something. part of 'us'.
while i am strong, and can stand up for myself, and by myself.....
it was nice knowing someone was there for me.
when i needed him.
and even when i didn't.

small pieces.

2010-06-16T12:01:00.000-07:00

be true to yourself.

say what you mean.

mean what you say.

do what you say you are going to do.

always.

believe in things.

strongly.

support the things that REALLY mean something to you.

but nothing else.

this painting is called 'small pieces'.

more of my sunset over water series.

yet another abstract.

passion is important.

i am truly passionate about art.

creating art.

looking at art.

if people cannot appreciate you for what you are, who you are, they don't need to be in your life.

each one of us is unique.

and important.

don't let anyone make you feel otherwise.

ever.

stand strong in who you are.

1 day down. 87 to go.

2010-06-11T19:56:00.000-07:00

turbulent, heavy, hopeful.

another abstract.

when i painted this (a couple of days ago), life was feeling very turbulent.

heavy.

and hopeful.

all at the same time.

sunset over the water.

it's dark.

and light.

with an edge.

all at the same time.

which is what i wanted it to be.

being thankful, and mindful of who is in my life and what we have.

self portrait!

2010-06-10T21:33:00.000-07:00

self portrait.
first one i've ever done.
i could never do portraits on a regular basis.
not my thing.
but every artist should have at least one self portrait.
wanted to do something different.
something completely opposite from what i've been doing.
to free my mind.
to give myself different focus for a bit.
i especially like how you can see the stud in my nose. heh.
i have art journaled for a long long time.
art journaling is giving yourself freedom to paint. whatever.
pair that with however you're feeling at the time?
lay down those feelings, all that strong emotion.
words.
the power of words.
AND paint.
it can be powerful stuff.
i often put photographs of myself on my art journal pages.
mostly because looking at photographs of myself helps me figure out exactly what it was i was feeling at the time the photo was taken.
it helps me sort through the crap.
a self portrait??
that is a whole nother matter.
i look at this painting and i'm almost startled.
it's like....WHAM. there i am.
a big huge me on a canvas.
that is some scary shit!
i have been looking at this painting.
looking at the woman. me.
trying to figure out what this painting says.
i think it says only this.
here i am.
this is me.
THIS is who i am.

painting i finished yesterday.

2010-06-03T22:25:00.000-07:00

"Raw"

this painting, to me, is raw.

another abstract.

it's messy.

edgy.

and raw.

it's almost visceral.
again, i have typed.

and typed.

and deleted.

it's almost as if what used to help me....

figuring shit out.

here.

on my blog......

has stopped working for me.

my words no longer seem powerful.

or meaningful.

it's like i am disconnected.

still having a hard time adjusting to it just being me. and the boys.

james' death left a huge hole in our lives.

and i haven't quite figured out how to fill up all that empty space.

three for three.

2010-05-27T20:06:00.000-07:00

"Sunset"
i feel things deeply.
strongly.
passionately.
from looking at me from the outside, you would never know.
it's all going on...........inside.
sometimes so much so it overloads me.
shuts me down.
completely.
sometimes, however, it is a good thing.
a necessary thing.
it's just how i am.
it will never change.
and i wouldn't want to.
i've said all these things before.
i'm saying them again because they relate to this painting.
my third recent abstract.
it's bold.
messy.
powerful.
there are two things that make me feel.
instantly.
one is the ocean.
being on the beach.
the way it smells.
it makes me feel different.
it opens me.
the other is music.
sometimes i don't know how deeply affected by things i am until i hear certain words in a song.
the rhythm of a song can take me away.
music evokes STRONG emotion in me.
i had no idea what this painting would end up being when i started it.
i have to say, i was damn close to the zone.
i love how this painting turned out.
watching the sun set, being on the beach....
those two things are strong.
powerful.
to me.
almost every single time i paint i jam to tunes.
mostly DMB.
loud DMB.
it helps me not think.
which helps me paint.
the less i think the easier a painting is created.
fucking loving abstract.

two paintings in two days.

2010-05-25T20:15:00.000-07:00

"Solitude"
another abstract piece.
the black is bold.
striking.
strong.
powerful.
yes strong and powerful are different.
serene.
i love being alone.
having time to think.
reflect.
to just, be.
to let your mind wander where it will.
this painting represents strength.
WANTING to be alone.
as a way to help replenish your soul.
to help clear your mind.
to try to find balance.
i will, i am sure, do a painting (maybe soon) which represents loneliness.
i have experienced a lot of that over the last year and a half.
not sure if i will stay in the yellow/black yellow/black/white theme...or if i will move on to different colors.
i really do love yellow and black together.
i love my studio.
it rains a lot here.
when i paint, i often paint with my windows open while the rain gently falls.
it's nice.
i like this painting.
it really does shout out strength and solitude (that which you crave/want/need).
not that by which you are forced into.
because your husband died.
and you are lonely.
loving abstract.
love love loving it.

feeling abstract.

2010-05-24T11:21:00.000-07:00

finally.
a painting that left me feeling.
SOMETHING.
abstract.
full.
powerful.
last night, i sat, for a long time.
typing.
deleting.
ultimately posting nothing.
unable to figure out what the fuck is making me feel the way i am currently feeling.
too much inside my head at the same time.
too afraid to admit and acknowledge some of what is in there.
this painting is big. 36 x 30.

a couple of weeks ago i found a box.
full of photographs.
and keepsakes.
inside the box was this photo.
i took it when i lived in fort bragg, CA.
20 something years ago people.
i was young.
seriously.
like 12.
in the photographs from this time i really do look like i'm 12!
this is the trussell at pudding creek beach.
when i lived there, this was one of my favorite places to go.
after i moved away, i went back to fort bragg.
over and over.
it will always be one of my favorite places on this planet.
it's appropriate, i guess.
that i am posting this photograph, and the painting inspired by this photograph.
fort bragg (and mendocino, a little artsy village 7 miles south of fort bragg) is where james and i spent many of our anniversaries. my 19 year anniversary is in two days. i can hardly fucking believe it. may 26th. james and i would have been married for 19 years.
this painting is innocence.
the innocence of my youth.
when life was simple.
and fun.
and all about me.
full of parties, drinking.....
life was carefree.
and damn good.
time spent with a dude who was in the coast guard.
this painting also represents standing out.
standing alone.
not being afriad to be different.
to just be....who i am.
it is the first painting i have been truly excited about in MONTHS.
going to let it sit.
see how it feels.
but i'm thinking it's a done deal.

conflict.

2010-05-18T23:17:00.000-07:00

i am constantly at conflict wtih myself.
i love my children.
yet i long for freedom.
to NOT be a parent.
struggled with this issue for years.
that's why i was going to thailand.
part of the reason, anyway.
one of the things that has been hardest for me is how hurt the boys have been by their father's death. fucking duh.
he was huge in their lives.
and now he is not present.
on a daily, in person kind of way.
now he is only memories.
it breaks my heart to see all the other father's at tball practice while alexander's is not.
i am there.
but james is not.
james coached for ethan.
and can't be there for zan.
THAT is the shit that kills me.
knowing what the boys are missing.
like tomorrow.
when ethan has to go on his field trip without me.
he wants me there.
but i cannot go.
the field trip is after alexander gets out of school.
kindergarten is short.
so E must go off.
without a parent.
which makes him sad.
it makes ME sad.
i cannot be in two places at once.
i am stretched too thin.
being everything to them.
all the time.
right now, sitting in front of the computer i can literally feel the stress in my neck.
and shoulders.
my head hurts.
part of it is being tired.
part of it is just the constant-ness of being a parent.
never getting to sleep in.
being the only one.
i laugh when i think about how hard i thought it was before james died.
cuz dude. that was nothing.
when bad things happen it sucks.
you figure it out.
step by step.
in the end, it's all about how you handle yourself.
to those who think i haven't 'sucked it up', or, dealt with my unhappy circumstances, i say this.
walk a mile in my shoes. THEN you can criticize me. until then, shut the fuck up.
that last part was directed at my father, you know, in case anyone was wondering.
he thinks i'm not doing this well.
which is funny.
he doesn't even know me.
or my children.
and hasn't been here for us.
a second email he sent me.
as hurtful as the first.
i choose not to respond.
because it is pointless.

things on my mind.

2010-05-16T21:49:00.000-07:00

i have sat, and typed.
a few times in the last week.
then deleted everything.
currently filled with self-doubt.
working through it.
i saw a painting today.
a beautiful, raw, visceral painting.
an artist i have discovered.
with whom i am currently obsessed.
made me long to paint.
to really, truly create.
with feeling.
strong emotion.
if i could truly channel half of what i feel on the inside into my art.....
that would be amazing.
most of what i feel remains on the inside.
rarely shown on the outside.
my weekend was good.
but surreal.
filled with some of what i have been longing for.
yet at the same time soooo overwhelming.
i have felt disconnected today.
like i am living someone else's life, not my own.
weird.
and hard to explain.

some of the best things.

2010-05-04T19:36:00.000-07:00

"rowboat"

painting i finished today.

love the perspective on this one.

the colors are dramatic.

unexpected.

i like that too.

some of the best things:

listening to it rain as i fall asleep.

taking a chance, believing in myself.....and painting.

not giving a fuck and speaking my mind when i am pissed.

hot hot hot coffee.

it seems to be therapeutic to me.

singing and grooving to tunes as i paint in my studio.

being so in to *that* moment.

feeling the music. inside.

letting it move my body. on the outside.

not thinking.

just painting.

walking away from a painting and coming back to it later.

with fresh eyes.

SO helpful.

jammin in my car as i drive.

being held by a man.

feeling his warm body and arms around me.

i figured it out.

2010-04-27T19:43:00.000-07:00

unedited iPhone photo of a painting i finished today. "fishermen"
in person it needs to be viewed from about 5 feet away.
i am extremely lucky to have this life that i currently have.
went to coffee with bethany this morning.
then i went home and worked in my studio.
each and every day i will make some progress to make this all happen.

something has been bugging the crap out of me.
i've had this feeling.
this feeling that. just. wouldn't. go. away.
i finally figured it out.
i am afraid.
afraid of finding something good and having it go away.
afraid of losing it.
afriad it's not even there to begin with.
actually, i didn't 'just' figure this out.
i've known it for a while.
just wasn't willing to admit it to myself.
now that i have.......
i have to figure out what to do with this information.
cram it down, pack it in....way deep inside....like i do with all of the shit??
i'm thinking that's a pretty fucking good idea.

this post really isn't about him.

2010-04-14T21:18:00.000-07:00

i find myself self-editing.
here, at my very own blog.
i'm not sure why this is.
okay. that's not right.
not so much self-editing, as being particularly careful about the things i talk about.
i'm not eloquent.
what i am is honest.
and open.
and i have chosen not to say much about patterson.
though i have thought a lot about him.
what attracted me to him.
what was good about him.
why we couldn't work.
he wanted to help me raise my boys. james' boys. our boys.
that, right there, is an amazing thing.
patterson came on hard and fast.
he could not grasp i needed slow.
he could not grasp where i am coming from.
a place of such deep sadness.
a place of pure hurt.
i have no better words to desribe it.
the kind of hurt and sadness that literally takes your breath away.
patterson didn't understand.
he didn't understand it was scary for me.
i don't think he is a bad man.
quite the contrary.
i think he is a good man.
i thought he might be slightly stalkerish.
after the first time i told him we couldn't work.
but ultimately, i think he was just misguided.
he was lonely.
so lonely he came on too hard and too fast.
i think he understands that now.
i understand what it is to be lonely.
i AM lonely.
i made him feel alive (his words, not mine).
he was falling in love with me (again, his words, not mine).
there were many things about patterson i liked.
but i couldn't say yes to him.
too many things weren't right.
but even so, i miss the idea of him.
i can't live my life like this forever.
i do things.
just do them.
think later.
though with him....i DIDN'T do that.
which was hard for me (even though i did so on purpose).
i think there will come a time when i won't be so willing to stop myself.
patterson wanted to get to know me.
to learn those little things.
he made me less lonely.
he wanted to be with me.
but patterson ultimately didn't get it.
it was too much about him.
even so, on nights, say, like last night.....
when i am feeling isolated, and lonely....
i still kick myself in the ass for sending him away.
for telling him no.
i question myself.
something i hate doing.
it's pointless.
this post really isn't about him.
it's about me.
standing up for myself, even if it means being sad, and a little bit lonely.
or even a lot lonely.
missing having someone i can call.
share things with on a daily basis.
missing someone i can text back and forth with.
in a playful way.
it's about me, knowing enough things weren't right.
and letting him go.
i could be spending every night with patterson.
but i am not.
and it was all my choice.
so today i am choosing to write about patterson.
hoping that i can let it completely go.
and quit kicking myself in the ass, questioning myself.
and yeah, i realize i didn't mention the boys in the kimberly/patterson equation.
that's an entirely different post all on its own.
i never EVER thought i would be single again.
i never EVER thought any dude would ask me out.
i never EVER thought i would have to deal with this issue in any way, shape or form.
i thought james and i would be married forever.
that we would raise our children together.
i think part of the reason i haven't posted about patterson much is the 'oh my god her husband died and she's already dating' shock factor.
but honestly people.
i have never EVER felt anything like this before.
and by this i mean james dying.....
it truly is THE most horrible thing that has ever happened to me.
coming from that place......
i do not apologize in any way, shape or form for any little bit of happiness that comes my way.
i know james would want that for me.

weior lfk amsdfklcsdf

2010-04-11T20:51:00.000-07:00

last weekend i had a freakshow of a breakdown in the most inopportune place.
omg. seriously. WTF.
christine was here (which is a good thing).
she gave me a break and pretty much took care of the boys the entire time she was here.
then she left. sad face.
my little sobbing out of control eposide..........
i hate that shit.
but here's the thing.
i have been thinking A LOT about it.
i try hard to keep my emotion(s) to myself.
but last weekend, i just wasn't able to reign it in.
part of me wanted to just let it all out.
feel comforted. and safe.
part of me was very angry at myself for letting it happen.
i think it's weird that part of me is completely free and creative.
the other part of me is completely analytical, logical. almost anal. it's scary, really.
it seems a completely and totally weird combination.
i am always conflicted.
saw a boat in the river today.
actually turned my car around and parked in a very bad spot (almost got run over) just so i could take a photo with my iPhone.
it was instant inspiration.
it will be my next painting.
i haven't painted from a photograph in a long time.
it was weird, though, how i immediately turned my car around and went back.
i would bet i like the outcome of the painting.
it's the first time i've felt anything close to inspiration, well, since james died.

smells i love.

2010-04-07T20:34:00.000-07:00

the smell of paint.
there is nothing like it.
coffee brewing.
bread baking.
bacon cooking.
rain.
my children after a shower.
before a shower?? not so much.
the ocean.
the smell of familiarity.
yes. there IS such a thing.
the way a man smells.
ties in to the familiarity thing.
his own distinct smell.
remnants of him on his clothes.
on you.
i notice time and time again how good it smells here.
i never ever want to take that for granted.
finished this painting today.
when i get my shit together, i will again open my etsy shop.
until then i will paint.
push myself.
remain focused.
i actually like this painting.
full of texture.
it is very me.
very my style.
this painting, and 3 boats will be among the pieces that go into my shop.
WHEN i'm ready.
not quite there yet.
who knows how long it will be.
but i am trying.
trying hard to get my shit together.
i am excited to see improvement in my work.
very excited.
may work on some smaller pieces (for variety) next.
if i can get closer to my groove.....
closer to really really really wanting to paint.
instead of still having to force myself.....
that would be really nice.

humans as conduits for extraordinary things.

2010-04-05T18:21:00.000-07:00

iPhone photo of a painting i finished over the weekend.
inspired by my 'blue dot' painting.
which therapist dude purchased from me.
my paintings always are inspired by color.

i believe i have clear vision.

with respect to my art, anyway.

definitely not with respect to the rest of my trainwreck of a life.

it wasn't always that way.

it's hard to stand up for yourself.

for what you create.

you have to be strong in who you are.

i am growing as an artist.

evolving.

i look at some of my earlier paintings and some of my newest work.

i see improvement.

i am growing.

find out what you are TRULY capable of.

stay true to who you are.

i posted a side view of 3 boats a week or so ago.

here's a front on view.

i personally love this piece.

when you look at it from different angles, it changes.

it must be viewed from a distance.

it must be viewed with the right light.

in order to catch all the nuance.

this is the first painting i did after moving into the house.

the second one i did is posted above.

a third is currently on my easel.

trying.

2010-04-02T17:02:00.000-07:00

my boys have new-found freedom.
they couldn't be happier about that.
playing outside (without me hovering over them).
never could have happened where we lived before.
going over to a friend's house.
and walking there, by themselves.
it's only one street over.
but that, also, would never have happened where we lived before.
one of my favorite things is listening to the rain.
how convenient i live in a place where it rains 68 inches a year.
almost a year and six months after james died.
my life is still extremely up and down.
but i do appreciate every good thing.
i still feel things deeply. strongly.
that can be good and bad.
but i wouldn't want to change it.
the good times that come my way?
i want to soak every single one of them up.
enjoy every single second while it is happening.
and not feel guilty for it.
i do feel a longing for something more in my life.
goes along with feeling things deeply.
not sure i am ready for it.
taking it as it comes.
i absolutely cannot think about the future.
i can focus on today. whatever it brings. happiness....happiness and sadness at the same time.
because yes. it IS possible to cry happy AND sad tears at the same time.
sometimes i feel overly bombarded by my own emotions.
that they are all coming at me too hard and fast.
it sort of shuts me down.
and then, eventually, i process....
it's all fucking exhausting that is for sure.
some things going on in my life that i have not blogged about.
and probably never will.
therapist dude once said to me, 'paint your emotions.'
i kept trying to explain to him that's not how it works.
i kept fighting him on that. but...but...no. LISTEN to me.
and then when i painted blue dot it occurred to me.
mother fucker! he was right.
i don't 'purposely' paint my emotions.
but when a painting is done there IS emotion behind it.
there is rawness.
i will be true to myself as an artist.
i will paint paintings that *I* like.
eventually, when i open my etsy shop again, and try to sell art locally....
my art will either sell.
or it won't.
but no matter what, i will be true to *me*.
not with the intent that 'oh, THIS one will sell for sure.'
because that's not how i roll.
i am again ramping myself up.
trying hard to get back into the groove of painting.
and having it flow easily.
i will tell you......james' death? seriously fucking jacked me up. duh.
it's been like nothing i have ever experienced before.
and honestly, unless you have experienced it, you really have no idea what it is truly like.
sadness. isolation. the amount of loneliness....never experienced anything like it.
but i don't intend to live my whole life this way.
i will always love james.
but i will also continue to live my life.
to raise our boys.
and eventually, hope to do so with as much passion and zest as i did before he died.

here's the thing that irritates me.

2010-03-31T20:03:00.000-07:00

heh.
like there's only one thing.
i'm getting pissed off at myself.
for wasting time.
not painting when i have the time.
i.e., when the boys are both in school.
i actually have two and a half hours.
instead of painting i seem to find other 'important' things to do.
really??
so what is it.
what is it that is stopping me from WANTING to paint.
from ACTUALLY doing it.
fuck i need to get my shit together.
in some sort of seriously angry mood.
oh.
wait.
i know.
it's day 3 on weight watchers.
I. NEED. SUGAR. and CANDY BARS. and COKE. in huge amounts. *sigh*
hope the craving goes away.
eventually.

here's what i know.

2010-03-29T19:26:00.000-07:00

i'm back on weight watchers.
it sucks.
but it's something i have to do.
made another call today looking for a new therapist.
the creative part of me is still alive, and in there.
but i don't feel fresh, full of great new ideas/inspiration.
that burning desire isn't there.
it's more of a smoldering desire now.
and that just fucking sucks.
what i feel is total and complete exhaustion.
so why my body doesn't just collapse i really never will know.
why do i continue to wake up a hundred million times a night.
why do i wake up feeling as exhausted as when i went to bed?
except for the other night.
the other night....
i fell asleep.
slept for about an hour.
had circumstances been right, i am pretty sure i could have slept all night.
course, circumstances weren't right.
but that hour i slept??
i felt better after that hour than after a 'normal' night of what i 'call' sleep.
so what was it?
why did i so easily fall asleep.
i have been trying for three days (since the night it happened) to figure out exactly what it is i felt.
*insert lightbulb moment here*
safe.
i think that's it.
i felt safe.
and protected.
god that has been bugging the shit out of me.
and now i've figured it out.
whatever it means, or doesn't mean, the other night i felt safe. and protected.

the other night.

2010-03-28T21:57:00.000-07:00

something happened to me the other night.
a realization.
well, that's not actually totally correct.
i have known this for a while.
just wasn't willing to own it.
or do anything about it.
but now i am just fucking taking it head on.
because that's what needs to be done.
cut the shit.
own it.
if there's somethng you don't like and have the capability to fix, fix it.
man up.
and so it begins. right now.
but fucking-a is it going to suck.
but whatev.
it's gotta be done.
so that's what's happening.
small steps.
a day at a time.
then a week will have gone by.
things have GOT to change.
i can do this. for one week.
then i'll reassess.
figure out what i need to do.
another week?
one day at a frigging time because that is all i can handle.
i have to start somewhere.

redefining.

2010-03-21T21:47:00.000-07:00

this is one small corner of my studio. on my easel is an abstract impressionist piece in progress (three boats in water). it's been an interesting piece to create. this is the painting i started about a week ago and was having trouble with. you know, the one i decided was very important to me to finish. as with all of my paintings, one small change can make me love the entire piece. one small change can make the entire thing come together. it is meant to be viewed from a distance which really does impact how you 'see' this particular painting.

this piece is full of thick texture, lots and lots of paint. layer over layer. broad brushstrokes. i see the impact of my love for monet, matisse and gauguin (especially during 1889 when his pieces were full of line, rhythm and bright color) here. definitely shows through. no, i'm not comparing my painting to any of those great artists. i just know they have had an impact on how i paint. how i view things. what i see when i create.

the photo really does not do this painting justice. it's chunky. vibrant. abstract and imperfect. and that is exactly how i want it to be.

the last few days.

2010-03-19T11:05:00.000-07:00

the insomnia thing.....sometimes it kicks my ass.
it's not that i never sleep. i do.
i sleep for a couple of hours.
but then i wake up.
and can't go back to sleep.
or i don't fall asleep until really late.
and when i fall asleep really late (3am or later) my body likes to fuck with me. it wakes me up at 5am. or 6am.
i do get breaks from the kick ass insomnia.
i have yet to figure out what makes it come and what makes it go.
i have dealt with insomnia for a long time. since i got pregnant with ethan. he will be 9 next month.
of course after james died it intensified. seriously.
when we first moved into the new house i slept great for the first four or five nights. it was awesome!!
but now the insomnia is back.
i have felt myself going slightly deeper into depression.
have every intention of finding a therapist.
just haven't made myself do it yet. i will.
i sometimes feel very isolated.
sometimes i feel very connected to people.
not many people, i don't know many people here yet.
well, i know a few people, but only a couple do i know fairly well.
but the last few days...it's been the isolation thing.
i do like to spend time by myself. lots of it actually.
but. from time to time...i find myself needing to be with other people.
and not just the casual convo you get from going to the store, or briefly talking to the dude who is fixing the scrapes in your alcohol stained concrete floor.
crying for absolutely no reason the last two days.
seriously??
you have got to be kidding me.
drove to the coffee shack this morning after i took the boys to school.
started crying, sitting in line, waiting to order my coffee. WTF.
i know lack of sleep is part of it.
the isolation thing is too.
i just stretched some canvas.
getting ready to slap some gesso down.
working on two paintings.
one of them is difficult. half of it i really love.
the other half? not so much so.....i wiped it. going to finish this painting. it has somehow become important to me to finish THIS one painting. no clue why. therapist dude could probably tell me.
sucks he's not licensed in oregon.
i think part of my problem right now is my style is changing.
it's still me. but i think i might be going more abstract impressionism.
at least with a few pieces.
and i'm having a hard time deciding if i love it or hate it. fine line.
trying my best to give the boys what they need.
to be present for them.
i wake the boys up each morning to get them ready for school.
this morning E woke up happy. and let me tell you. that NEVER happens. it was a nice change.
listening to DMB. always. can't get enough.
fuck the unpacking for a while.
trying to find my groove with paint again.
trying to just let it be.
not force it.
and see what happens.
dumping the crap. getting it out of my head.
trying to be clear (don't laugh).
i am strong in who i am.
and i am down with it.
that is how i want to be.
couldn't change it even if i wanted to.
it's just how i am.
and i know i am strong enough to get through the crap.
i've already done so much of that.
my life is so so so much better now than it was after james first died.
i have made so many changes. good changes.
acknowledging it all.
gettin through the shit, finding my way out.
i keep my emotions to myself. i mean, if you saw me today, you would have no idea what was running through my head.
i rarely let people see me in an emotional state. i prefer it that way.
a friend of mine, (BETHANY!!) told me to stop doing that. she said to stop being so independent and so i-don't-need-anyone-else. lol... i love bethany. cuts through the crap. my kinda girl.
holy crap. long post. i now have one hour to paint. then it's time to get alexander at the bus stop.

pr[qmz.,dfladf,;ad

2010-03-15T20:06:00.000-07:00

sometimes, when i see a couple enjoying each others' company.....you can see they really care about each other.....that they want to spend time with each other......it makes me cry. it makes me sad. it's like a floodgate of sadness comes rushing out. i can't stop it. it pisses me off because i would never begrudge other peoples' happiness. and i want that shit to stop happening.

i love being in our new house.

got a call out of the blue a couple days ago from a friend. someone who was a huge part of my childhood but we drifted apart in high school. it's interesting to get to know her again.

getting little pieces of happiness here and there. scares the crap out of me. i'm afraid it's going to open up more of me, the part that's been so sad, hurt....scared...since james died. i'm not sure i'm ready for that. but at the same time, i'm not sure i can live without that happening. confusing shit.

trying so hard to get my shit together and WANT to paint. i mean, i 'want' to....i just seem to have to force myself to start. didn't used to have to do that. i need to get it going. i have the opportunity right now to do this and i shouldn't waste it. that would be stupid.

wish i could remember how i motivated myself when i was first on weight watchers. cuz i can't fucking motivate right now to save my fucking life. and that, too, is pissing me off.

things i love.

2010-03-01T19:49:00.000-08:00

that james' last tweet was about me.
and it's funny.
that even if crappy things are happening to me, i can look out my window when i'm driving and smile.
because i love it here.
that i have managed (with a small bit of help along the way)...but mostly by myself....to have a house built for us.
that i can handle the shit that happens.
so far anyway.
and by the shit that happens i mean getting hit by a 110 year old woman.
it felt odd, i gotta say though....not calling james.
that is still my first instinct.
he made everything better.
he wouldn't have given a crap about the car, only that i was okay.
that the decisions i have made about the house (in a completely disjointed fashion)....because certain decisions had to be made at certain times....when i didn't have necessarily all the info i needed to be making a decision.....have all turned out well. things actually go together. not sure how it happened but it did.
that i am beginning to feel the desire to paint.
and art journal.
and even scrap again.
i am hoping, once we are moved, and i actually have a studio that i really WILL do these things.
that i won't feel the pressure.
that it will just flow.
because i know i don't have to be perfect....that art is what it is.
it just happens for me.
i want to play.
be free.
do whatever.
the more you do something the more you grow.
i need to immerse myself.
to lose myself.
called my first therapist in astoria today.
beginning the process.
so i don't go insane.
because sometimes it feels like that is happening.
especially with going through things again.
packing again.
making sure i'm on top of all the house stuff.
that things ARE getting done.
because i want in my house.
and out of the rental.
with the scary basement.
i WANT to be settled.
to finally know what it will feel like to be here, in our own house.

aieaieaieaieaieaie

2010-02-25T19:45:00.000-08:00

counters went in today. granite (the unshiny kind)....i can't stand shiny granite. the cabinets are antiqued and are off white. cabinets did not come with hardware. i had that put on by one of the finish dudes. i think it adds to the overall look. appliances are all stainless. and should be installed tomorrow. hoping it all works out and i really am moving in a week. hoping the light cabinets and stainless (neutrality of it) will balance the dark counter.

small breakdown in the scary basement today. after james died he was cremated. i moved his ashes to astoria with us. in packing up shit in the scary basement, i had to move james' ashes. carefully. and gently. but it occurred to me (uh....duh).....that i was holding my husband's ashes. and holy fucking shit. i sat on the floor of the gross, dirty, scary basement and cried. out of the blue. from no where.

it's all good.....i know good things are happening, the fact we're about to move into our new house, and we'll be able to finally get settled.....today was just not my best day. tomorrow is another one. i am sure it will be better. i will be chill. less emotional.

the last week i have been waking up at 4am and haven't been able to go back to sleep. and that is pissing me off. thinking if it happens again tonight, tomorrow night will be an allergy medicine/lemon drop martini induced night in the hopes of sleeping past 4am.

we are moving in 9 days.

2010-02-24T19:39:00.000-08:00

i once had a passing thought that if i ever had my own little studio space, it would have a purple stained concrete floor. so here it is. this is my studio which is just really another room in our new house. except it has the perfect floor for painting and getting messy. and a sink. with cold AND hot water. two very important things for a studio? floors you can easily clean/wipe paint off and a sink with running cold and hot water (so you don't freeze your hands off) to rinse brushes.

i am looking forward to organizing my studio. getting my roll of canvas out. my stretcher bars. all my paint. maybe, one day, when i don't have more 'house' stuff to do, i will paint. i miss that creative, get lost...get in the zone...forget about everything else part of me.

met with a tax dude earlier this week. my taxes for 2009 were more difficult than 2008. lots of questions i didn't know the answers to. so i found someone, made the appointment and went. i sometimes forget to self edit. i forget where i am, who i am with. i am pretty sure i said fuck at least three times (to the CPA). yeah. i'm sure that made a nice impression. lol... i know i have to self-edit when out in 'public'. i just forget sometimes. it takes a lot of effort. ooops.

i just have not felt like posting.

2010-02-17T19:26:00.000-08:00

my blog has been, in the past, the place i can put the crap.
to get it out of my head.
but lately, i haven't been able to think clear thoughts.
or if i have, i haven't liked or wanted to admit what they are.
which is unusual for me.
i know i am on overload.
getting ready to move again.
march 5th or 6th. or both.
my brother is coming to help.
haven't seen him since he helped move me initially.
never thought james' mom would actually come and see us.
but she is.
she bought a ticket.
never thought she would come before jan.
never, EVER thought that.
ganja hippy dude.
i think that's where it all started to get fucked up.
it was a trip (seriously like i felt like i was living someone else's life).
he pursued me.
would not give up.
wanted to be with me.
and by be with me, i mean he wanted us to get married and grow old together.
well, i'm already old. so older, i guess. ;-)
i went from forcing myself to go out with him (so i would know what it felt like)....
to realizing how much i miss having someone in my life.
someone on a daily basis.
someone who gives a crap about you.
your day.
someone to hold hands with.
someone to hold you.
someone to talk to. with.
someone to be intimate with.
and by intimate i don't mean sex.
i mean...someone to have a history with.
who knows things about you.
who gets the inside jokes.
who shares himself with you.
someone to speak to in that soft voice and someone who speaks to YOU in that same voice.
unfortunately, (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it)...ganja hippy dude had too many issues.
he was too intense.
could not understand 'go slow'.
it was all or nothing with him so i chose nothing.
he couldn't understand where i am coming from.
from being married to my best friend, the man i thought i would spend my entire life with....
to 10 years of james' illness, his death....now raising the boys....moving.....adjusting.
he just couldn't grasp i really needed to go slow.
there were other reasons i couldn't be with him, too, of course.
he just wasn't the right dude for me.
but it was hard to let go.
and that is hard for me to admit.
i think of myself as strong (most of the time).
but i really wanted to hold on to ganja hippy dude.
because he made me feel less lonely.
he 'wanted' to take care of me.
to help raise the boys.
but there was just something not right.
something i didn't feel with him.
he thought i was the one for him and couldn't understand why i wasn't willing to just jump in.
which is how i normally roll.
but wasn't able to with him.
that right there tells me he's not the right dude for me.
i just didn't want to listen to myself.
i think most of all ganja hippy dude made me realize i really will want to be with someone at some point.
that i'm not capable of living life and feeling all there is to feel.....without sharing it.
admitting that pisses me off.
i know james would want me to be happy.
but it sort of feels like (yeah...i know)...like i am disrespecting him, or unloving him.
which i'm not.
i get that. logically it makes sense.
just emotionally...you know, that's where shit gets fucked up.
afraid i might develop feelings for someone who doesn't have the same feelings for me.
*SIGH*
now i can breathe.
for a little while.
been a pretty emotional ride the last few weeks.
not even sure why.
counting down the days.....
16 days until we move into our new house.
holy shit.
like seriously. HOLY SHIT.
i have to get our shit packed up again!!!

i should be in bed!

2010-01-30T00:30:00.000-08:00

sometimes life comes at you hard and fast.
i need to slow things down.
have some time to think.
i need quiet.
alone time.
since i won't be getting that...gotta figure out how to sort through the shit in my head anyway.
the boys have both been sick.
for two weeks.
i now have what they have.
i need to address two issues.
two important issues.
i also need a shitload of sleep.
i am sure if i could sleep the other issues would be clearer.
i sometimes wonder why i do the fucking things i do.
against my better judgment, sometimes i do things.
and it's scary.
there are many powerful emotions.
lack of sleep does not help define what is true and what is not.

therapist dude.

2010-01-19T21:11:00.000-08:00

had a telephone appointment with therapist dude today.
he told me to let him know if i needed him.
so i did.
finally.
kind of hard to cram 4 months into 50 minutes.
it was intense.
phone conversations don't have quite the same impact.
but even so, therapist dude helped refocus me.
got asked out by a long haired hippy dude.
which made me throw up.
never, ever thought anyone would ask me out.
it blew my mind.
wasn't ready.
forced myself to go out with him anyway.
because i wanted to know what it would feel like.
how i would react.
of course i threw up after. a bunch of times.
but ultimately i couldn't do it.
something was not quite right there.
therapist dude agreed.
hippy dude was WAY intense.
came on hard and fast.
part of me wanted everything to be right.
because i miss having someone to share things with.
to talk to.
part of me was way not ready.
the boys have been pushing me. HARD.
BOTH of them.
which is unusual.
i usually deal with E's behavior and not alexander's too.
seriously?
i'll deal with this fucken shit.
fucken roll with it.
figure it out.
and i will fucking enjoy every happy moment that comes my way in the meantime.
45 days until we are fucking in our new house.

eporiq-03r-3m,xcmz.x,

2010-01-07T13:00:00.000-08:00

hated the place i lived.
so i moved.
adjusting, figuring things out.
and it's all good.

alexander and callie walking (to the rental) from the bus stop today

it's weird, and i'm not sure i can explain it exactly, but i feel my old life slipping away.
on one hand, that's very sad. it makes me feel like i am losing james all over again.
on the other hand, it's good. i came here for a new start. a fresh place.
but it's sortta freakin' me out.
because i feel like it's all happening so fast.
since moving i haven't really talked to anyone about james.
yes. i know. i need a new therapist dude.
i'll work on that.
life is happening here.
even though it scares the shit out of me, and i literally spent friday night throwing up because of how bad i felt, the guilt i felt at contemplating and taking action to have a life without james, i am forcing myself to do shit. to move forward. even though i don't want to. i know i have to. i have to back the shit with some action. i DO have to move on. to show the boys what there is in life. how to do this.
just wasn't expecting how hard that would be.
it's weird for me to say i don't want to move on.
because for the past few months all i have said is that i DO want to move on.
but now, now that i see a little bit of life opening up to me....fucking scares the shit out of me!
and now i'm not so sure i want to do this.
it's amazing that you can feel so many conflicting emotions at once.
i am excited.
a little bit happy.
missing james.
wanting to open myself up.
but scared to do it.
that takes me to a whole new place.
one that i'm not sure i'm ready for.
a whole lotta guilt with all this.

a letter.

2009-12-29T00:24:00.000-08:00

14 months later, i want you to know i still miss you each and every day.
i am doing my absolute best with the boys.
some days i feel like a complete and total failure as a parent.
some days i don't.
E is constantly pushing me.
just when i don't think i can take any more, he either senses it...or i'm not even sure but he somehow magically snaps back into the adorable and caring little boy i know he can be.
today, for the FIRST time, he told me he was sorry for something he had done.
i almost felt like he understands that you HAVE to take responsibility for your actions.
not so sure though. because this has been a hard lesson for E. i've taught it over and over and over again. sometimes i have felt like i've been slamming my head against a wall, that he will never, ever get it. then...today...wham. maybe it's a first step. god i hope so. because he HAS to understand.
alexander, too, is trying to find his way.
form some independence.
which is sad for me.
it sort of shocks me, actually. i guess i should have expected it. i guess i wasn't prepared.
the boys miss you so much.
they talk about you, alexander more than ethan, though as more time passes E talks about you a bit more. when you first died, he totally and completely shut down. i see him, beginning to talk about certain memories he has of you, of us....it's a good thing. but i see it also makes him sad.
all of the decisions i have made, i have made with the boys' best interest in mind. their best interest and MY sanity.
i want you to know i love living in astoria.
i asked the boys the other night, each individually, if they like it here.
alexander does. he seems content.
ethan says he likes it, however, his answer was slightly reserved.
i think he misses you, and equates you to reno, and our old house and is still mad at me for taking him away from 'you', if that makes any sense.
a week or so ago the boys and i were sitting at the table.
alexander said to me, 'i want things back the way they were. i want daddy back. i want our house back. i want everything back the way it was.' it of course, made me really sad. becasue i feel guilty for uprooting them. i needed to do it. i couldn't live there anymore. but i know my decision was hard on them. for them. and they aren't over it.
i know that i am lucky.
lucky that i can have a house built for us.
i also feel the stress.
the stress of being a single parent.
of making every single decision for all of us.
once the virus attacked your heart, our lives changed. not to say i wouldn't do it all over again with you, because i would. i wouldn't trade our time together for anything in the world.
some days i think of you and am happy.
other days, i am sad beyond words. because i miss you and i'm not sure i can do this.
wait. that's not right. i know i can do this. i'm just not sure if i can do it well.
i worry, a lot, about fucking up the boys.
i miss having you here.
to talk to. with.
to tell me it's all going to be okay.
you filled in all those little gaps and spaces that needed filling.
i don't know how else to say it except you and i just went together.
we belonged together.
and my insomnia.....it's back.
when you died it came back with a mother fucking vengence.
it went away for a while.
but it's back.
i should find a new therapist dude.
i just haven't.
there are many things i should do.
and haven't.
on christmas day when i had to talk to that person, my body shook.
the entire time.
i did my part and let the boys talk to them.
i know i need to let my anger about this particular subject go.
but i'm not entirely there yet.
i want you to know that you had some good friends.
vish, for one.
a year later, he sent the boys something for christmas.
he did not forget that there are two little boys out there, missing their father.
and THAT is way way way beyond amazing.
and someone has been a secret santa to the boys. got something in the mail for them yesterday. no return address. but i have my suspicians about who it is.
some days feel normal.
others, well...they just don't.
i really truly do miss you more than i can say.
i haven't painted.
i want to.
i need to.
i may have to just fucking force it again.
i have to find a way to get over not wanting to paint when the boys are around.
because the boys are ALWAYS around.
unless they're in school (and that's a short period of time for zan).
i have to get over the mental block and just fucking blow through this shit.
i think now that more time has passed since you died, i am starting to process more.
it's come and gone for me.
i think that's the only way i've been able to function. when it gets to be too much my mind just shuts it down.
and lately, it's been letting more get through. not sure if that's a good or a bad thing.
i feel like crap, because i miss you, and i know many people expect me to be 'over' it and fine and perfectly happy at this point. but that's not how it works. for me anyway.
i think i am only allowed to process a bit at a time because if it were otherwise i really truly would just shut the fuck down. completely.
so maybe, when it all works its way to the top, just enough gets out. and then it starts all over again. i really do try hard, though, to make it all go away. because i want to feel normal again.
i love you.
and i miss you.
i am doing my best with our boys.

peace out, yo.

2009-12-27T22:06:00.000-08:00

took callie for a walk at the beach yesterday.
more often than not, less is more.

jan sent me a card yesterday.
these are her words:

you're such a mixture.
cookie baker, mother, protector, rebel, artist, creator, dissatisfied seeker.

i won't post all of what she said. they are, after all, her words, not mine.
they are a personal exchange and i haven't asked her permission. i'm certain the part i posted she would be okay with.
but what she said to me?? she is right mother fucking on. she wants me to want to do things again. and sometimes i want to. sometimes i even do.
we all make choices then live with the consequences.
having an extremely difficult time with both of the boys right now.
usually it's just E.
i'm sort of shocked at the behavior i have seen out of alexander the last two days.
and i'm sad about it.
turns out, one of the hardest lessons for my boys to understand is taking responsibility for their actions. that was something james spent much time on with E. and he still doesn't get it.
i feel at a loss.
not sure what to do, exactly.
i need to find another therapist dude.
just haven't felt like it.

this year.

2009-12-24T21:01:00.000-08:00

for santa:
sugar cookies, a glass of milk AND a poster made by E. he wanted santa to have something special.
for the reindeer:
leafy carrots and a bowl of water.
the roses were sent to me by my mom.
she is at my brother's this year for christmas.
perhaps missing all of us being together.
this year it is just me and the boys.
no family.
no friends.
just us.
the boys have been meticulously counting down the days until christmas. E drew a picture of a christmas tree AND a picture of me at the bottom. you can tell it's me. right? because of the spikey hair?!

today:
christmas eve walk on the beach with callie.
made and baked sugar cookies with the boys which they decorated.
bought carrots for the reindeer. (a must have according to E).
watched the video clip santa sent for each of the boys.
let me tell you.
E was one nervous little boy waiting to find out if he made the 'nice' list.
the kid was sweating.
he should have been.
tonight:
sitting by the lights of the trees.
watching a movie.
waiting for the boys to fall asleep.
so i can get the boys' santa gifts set up and in front of the real tree.
and fill our stockings.
if only i could take a hot bath. i so would.
going to bed early.
because you KNOW my early risers (how did that even happen when i am a night owl) will be up EXTRA early tomorrow.
sad? maybe, a bit.
it's different. not really good, or bad. just different.
i knew moving would force me to stand up, and handle what came along.
by myself.
it's a good thing.

an art journal page.

2009-12-19T20:54:00.000-08:00

i haven't art journaled in 3 years.
until today.
took this photo with my iPhone in october.
i look like shit.
and it was shocking to me when i saw the photo.
i have admittedly abused my body over the last year.
not sleeping.
not eating right.
not eating at all.
or eating nothing but candy bars and drinking coke.
or the months that i drank red bull hardcore.
drinking more alcohol than i ever have before.
and the other things i've done.
that i don't care to mention.
i still abuse my body.
on a daily basis.
i am aware of it.
it doesn't seem to be something i can stop.
i know it's part of me dealing with james' death.
it's part of my i don't give a fuck attitude.
if it weren't for the boys i would have done way stupider things than just what i've done.
but i always remember.
i told james i would care for our boys.
raise them the way we intended.
it was nice to art journal.
page happened in 5 minutes.
it practically did itself.
wonder how long it will be before i art journal again.

things i like.

2009-12-18T14:15:00.000-08:00

real tree that smells good.

charlie brown tree.

i am over the christmas thing. the boys are not. so there ya have it. two trees. BOTH of which are in the small living room in the rental.

things i like:
sleeping.
coffee.
unexpected surprises.
nice people.
thoughtfulness.
the way it smells here.
boats.
people that make me laugh.
books (art, art history, boats and on and on).
letting go and being 'in' the moment.
if your life sucks, or parts of it anyway, let go and when good things happen...let 'em roll.
i especially like it when karma comes back around and bites someone in the ass. just sayin'. it's just.
my newest thing: obsession with home decorating mags.
i'm sure i'll be over it once i move into our house.
the signs of bonding i see between the boys.
yes, they fight. a lot.
but they do have their moments of kindness where the love shows through (though E would never admit it).
the freedom you get from shutting the shit down and walking away.
yes, it's there in the end. but you did get a nice little break. sweet.

apparently....

2009-12-14T21:34:00.000-08:00

apparently my way of dealing with things is to pretty much NOT deal with them.
i get a flip attitude.
an i don't give a fuck attitude.
i do whatever it is i want to do that makes me forget.
i realized today, when i was oh so angry with ethan, that this angry person is not who i want to be.
taking care of the boys is swallowing me up.
it is no secret i struggle with being a mother.
i struggle with the amount of time and energy it takes.
with the constant-ness of it.
is that even a word?
if it isn't, it should be.
sometimes it really feels like it sucks the life right out of me.
and before you go gettin all up in my face about i'm lucky to have kids and blah blah blah....
yeah. i get that.
part of me is all about it.
the other part of me....not so much.
i was talking to one of the dudes building our house the other day.
he has 5 kids.
he's been married for 26 years.
when he met his wife she was pregnant (not by him) at 16 years old.
he loved her.
and took on another man's child.
they built a life together and had children together.
i told him his was a pretty amazing story.
that there aren't a lot of men who would do that.
he looked at me and said, 'it wasn't the kid's fault'.
he raised that child as one of his own.
why am i telling you that story?
to remind myself.
it's not ethan's fault his father died.
it's not alexander's fault either.
and they deserve better than i have been giving them.
E yelled at me tonight, 'why don't you just kick me out?!'
i calmly told him i will never ever do that.
that i love him.
that i will always be here for him.
but he has to understand he cannot continue to push me.
being so angry and disrespectful.
today was not my best day.
along with all of this alexander had his christmas recital at school tonight.
i loved watching him up on stage.
but at the same time, it made me so so sad.
because james just ate that shit up.
he LOVED being there for the boys.
going to their school functions, games....and everything else.
so it was glaringly huge tonight to me, that james wasn't there to see alexander up on stage.
and, as i've said a million times before, that is the saddest part about james' death.
that my boys, at such a young age, have to grow up without their father.
i watched as they looked longingly at other 'families' with a mom and a dad.
i had to turn away and breathe.
and dude.
i am mother fucking sick of that shit.

i am a firm believer.

2009-12-11T21:14:00.000-08:00

i am a firm believer in appreciating what you have, when/while you have it.
do what you want.
sometimes that's hard.
do it anyway.
i am a firm believer in karma.
what goes around comes around.
there are a lot of assholes in this world. just sayin.
treat people well.
we soak up the energy of those around us.
most of my emotion remains inside.
you won't see it on my face.
usually.
i laugh, and smile....
but the real emotion.....i prefer to keep it deep inside.
but sometimes emotion escapes.
mostly it's when i'm tired, frustrated....and i have just absolutely had fucking enough.
i still haven't learned how to answer the inevitable question.
and what does your husband do?
and....your husband...is....where?
no one expects you to say he's dead.
pretty much everyone assumes you're divorced.
clearly they don't know me very well.
i'm not a negative person.
i sometimes wish i was able to show more emotion on the outside, instead of just feeling it all on the inside and dealing with it 'later'.
it builds up.
and grabs hold of me at inopportune times.
which pisses me off.
death is a beautiful part of life?
i'm not buyin' it.
i am not over it.
sometimes it feels as if i am living my life with a great big hole in it.
i am afraid.
i am lucky and i fully realize this.
and i absolutely try to never take anything for granted.
i am hoping one day to get my shit together.
to be able to paint again.
to be be less afraid again.
and i am trying my mother fucking best not to be sad right now.
to make this a good christmas for the boys.
we (the three of us)....we are enough.
we are all we have.
and we are enough.
when i decided to move here, i knew it would go one of two ways.
either the boys and i will be super duper close...or....uh....yeah. we won't.
because they are all i have.
and i am all they have.

i never claimed to be a good mom.

2009-12-07T20:57:00.000-08:00

for many years i did not want to have children.
james didn't either.
then, somehow, (and at the same time i might add), we both decided we wanted kids.
i am not your typical mom.
i hate playing games with my kids.
i am ferociously protective of my kids.
if i don't know you, do NOT fuck with my kids.
but there are things i have noticed that other moms love to do, that i do not.
whatever.
being a mother is a constant struggle for me.
on one hand, i love my boys more than anything.
on the other, for so many years, i put everything into them, being here for them.
and it sort of sucked the life out of me.
that was part of the reason for my trip to thailand.
to get away.
not be a mom.
to hang with my girl peeps.
to paint, create and make blissful art....
and then, of course, right before i was scheduled to leave, james died.
that, of course, changed my perspective on life.
all the things i 'thought' were making my life so difficult...yeah. whatever.
those things suddenly became no big deal.
my boys once again became 100% the focus of my life (they needed so so so so much from me after james died). and they still do.
so now....about a year later....i once again find myself struggling with being a mom and then still finding time to just be me.
finding time to focus on something else.
to seriously just NOT be a mom, worrying about two little boys.....making sure they have what they need. and let me tell you. they need a lot.
kids are constant non-stop never-ending care, love, support blah blah blah.
i am feeling a little burned out.
and i'm kinda pissed at myself because now i want a real tree.
but i really really really don't feel like buying one, dragging it home and decorating it.
but then i worry that maybe i'm taking away from the joy and happiness the boys feel over christmas.
can you say neurosis??
i am so damn tired.
so fucking low on energy.
so fucking sad sometimes.
really happy at other times.
i know, as a single mom, i will never ever find any kind of balance.
i guess i should just give in to that and let it roll.
maybe that will help my perspective!

my house.

2009-12-06T20:59:00.001-08:00

we are still scheduled to move in mid-march. looking forward to it. having a really really hard time living in the rental house. partly because we are living half packed/half unpacked. can't make the rental 'ours' because, well...it's not ours.

making a hundred million trillion house decisions. it's overwhelming. i am not complaining. i realize i am lucky i can do this. i just never realized exactly how much i relied on james for these kinds of decisions.

put up a cheesy white christmas tree. wanted something different this year though it really made me miss the smell of a real tree. went all martha stewart on it. silver and turquoise blue ornaments. a silver fairy/angel on top. it will be a small christmas for us. a different christmas. since i moved away from everyone, no one is coming here and we aren't going anywhere. it will be hard for the boys (they are used to mass chaos) and being surrounded by family. but it is what it is. this time of year makes me miss james even more, if that's even possible.

appreciating where i live. loving it. not loving being a single parent. but whatever. don't have any choice in the matter. crabbing season opened here a few days ago. i went to the beach the other day and watched the sun set. today i ate crab until i could barely move. gotta love that.

sleep schedule is all kinds of fucked up. back to waking up at 3am. or 4am. or 5am. and waking up a hundred times a night. a bit of sleep is a rare commodity. something i am grateful for when it happens. i try really really hard not to take anything for granted. smells, the way something feels....an hour or two of sleep....how blue the sky is....the fact it hasn't rained in a week. i love the rain. but even so, have learned to appreciate the blue sky (much more than i ever did) before i moved here.

really looking forward to being in our own house again. to making it ours. i like going over there, and watching the progress. the boys do too. doing that has helped make it feel like home even before we've moved in.

back to the christmas thing. it just doesn't feel like christmas. mostly because i am over it. only doing it for the boys. i have 100% totally and completely lost my joy and happiness for this time of year (which is sad because it used to be my favorite time of the year). went and bought a wreath so i could have the smell of a tree. thought it would help. but...uh....yeah. no. didn't help. love the smell....but i still am just over the christmas thing. related to being in the rental, too, i think. it just doesn't feel like christmas because the rental just doesn't feel like home. hard to not love the house you're living in while at the same loving the place you live.

time warp.

2009-11-19T22:09:00.000-08:00

i haven't blogged in two weeks?!
unheard of.
but i haven't felt like it.
seriously not sure where the last two weeks went.
yesterday was alexander's birthday.
he turned 6.
he said the only thing that could have made his day better is if his daddy was still alive.
i have had this feeling.
a bad feeling.
and it just won't go away.
i often felt this way over the 10 years james was sick.
it meant he was getting worse.
it meant something bad was going to happen.
yes. i really truly do trust my instincts.
so this way i've been feeling......
it makes me uneasy.
i'm not sure why i'm feeling this way.
could be the 'i fucking can't sleep' thing is back and maybe i'm just ultra sensitive to life.
or.....uh....yeah. that feeling, it just won't. go away.
i wake up a million fucking times.
AND...yeah....there's an and. AND...i wake up at 5am. no alarm required.
i just fucken wake up.
there are things i miss.
when i think about them i can't breathe.
if i don't think about them i am fine.

kindergarten art.

2009-11-05T14:12:00.000-08:00

my first art lesson is now up on the wall outside alexander's classroom.
kid artwork is pure.
went in today for alexander's parent teacher conference.
it was my intent to leave james' death as much as possible, out of our new life.
that's an odd sentence, i know.
his death never goes completely away.
i am always trying to find balance between me moving on with my life, yet still actively helping the boys remember their father and what/who he was and what he would want for them.
so it was a bit of a surprise to me today when jennifer (alexander's teacher) told me that alexander told her yesterday that his dad died.
the subject came up becuse they were talking about some dad-related thing/project in class. alexander matter of factly told her that this did not apply to him because he doesn't have a dad. that a virus attacked his dad's heart and he died.
i thanked her for telling me what alexander said.
i asked her to let me know of any other things she might over hear/discussions alexander might have involving his father and his death.
i maintained my composure.
kept my voice even.
finished the conference.
the boys were with me, of course.
we got in the car and i drove to the river.
left the boys in the car (it was raining).
i walked.
i needed a moment.
i have said this all along.
the saddest part of james dying was the boys losing their father.
they are still so so so young.
what they have had to go through (and what they have lost) breaks my heart.
it's just not fair.
i will never ever understand it.

opoipo

2009-11-04T13:34:00.000-08:00

alexander at the astoria coffee house.
a place i sometimes take the boys for a cookie and hot cocoa.
my dad had a heart attack and is in intensive care.
i am where i want to be (meaning astoria). i love it here.
but i do feel far away from everyone i know. duh. i am far away from everyone i know.
i miss having someone to take care of me.
not take care of me in the sense i can't do shit on my own.
that's not what i mean.
i mean.....someone who gives a crap if my day sucked.
someone to listen to me.
someone who will hug me and tell me it's going to be okay.
someone who just genuinely cares about me.
and gives a crap if i am upset about something.
someone who takes an interest in me.
what i think.
what i have to say.
i can do the single parent thing.
i've been doing it for a year.
but i've gotta say, the boys suck the life right out of me.
being a parent is demanding.
nonstop support.
answering nonstop questions.
easing their fears.
making sure they know how much you love them.
that you WILL be there for them.
because they are afraid you will leave them like their father did.
they go to YOU for everything. because you are all they have.
and i can't seem to figure out how to recharge myself.
having some weird-ass dreams about james.
WHEN i sleep.
go to bed exhausted.
wake up exhausted.
my frame of mine is better here. no doubt about that.
i knew i would be presented with new issues.
like the isolation thing.
the hurt i feel about losing my relationship with jan.
it's not the same. not even close.
today (and yesterday) my emotions are very close to the top.
so not where i want them.
this is the point where i get pissed off that this shit just never goes away.
and then i do things.
that i shouldn't do.
at least that's my tendency.
trying to maintain.
really really missing james.
a little pissed off.
there are good things out there in life.
i am not going to settle.
don't know what it is i want yet.
but i do fucking know i will not settle for less than what it is.
i will not apologize for who or what i am.

wtf.

2009-10-29T22:41:00.000-07:00

blogger won't let me upload a photo. fuck.
over the last week or so i've noticed myself changing.
becoming afraid.
afraid to say what's on my mind.
afraid to do what i want. when i want. how i want.
wtf.
it's almost like i am afraid to become vested in this new place.
i feel excited (when up at the house, among other times).
i want to scream out the things that before all this crap happened, i would have had no problem doing.
but something is stopping me.
i fucking need therapist dude.
i am getting mother fucking pissed at not being able to paint.
being in the classroom today, generating excitement about painting, watching all those kids paint. it was pure.
i need that back.
what the fuck do i have to do to get it.

here ya go H!

2009-10-27T19:50:00.000-07:00

photo taken 10.27.09.
i look tired.
oh. maybe that's because i am.
fucking tired.
sleep issues are semi back.
if they ever went away.
i am happy here.
well, i can be.
i'm actually a little afraid of being happy.
because i know the flip side of that.
i have tried damn hard not to let james' death make me afraid.
but it has.
every once in a while i start to feel good. a little bit happy.
and it scares the shit out of me.
not because i don't want to be happy. i do.
i guess because it reminds me of how i used to live life.
pretty much at full throttle.
it reminds me of what i used to have.
that i used to feel emotion sooo deeply.
i still feel emotion deeply, but it used to be happy emotion (for the most part).
but then that changed.
i've been trying to protect myself. and the boys.
i guess i'm not ready to stop doing that.

things i've noticed.

2009-10-20T22:09:00.000-07:00

this is jason. my builder. he will also be my neighbor. see that house up in the top right corner? that's his house. i love jason's demeanor. he is chill. easy-going. he used to own a boat and crab fish. nice. i dig that shit. boats, any dude with a boat.....fishermen...,pretty much any fucken dude in the coast guard....don't know why i just eat that shit up.

spent about an hour with jason today up at the house. made some decisions about windows and other exterior wall issues. made some changes to the flooring downstairs. it was totally effin cool to see what they've done to the house in the last couple of days. when i go back tomorrow at 11am (another meeting with jason), the entire second level should have been framed. right fucken on.

i have noticed:
there are some huge ass spiders here. ICK. i hate spiders.
the principal of E's school stands outside EVERY SINGLE MORNING and greets the kids as they come off the buses and/or are dropped off by their parents. that's way cool. a principal that actually knows the kids, and they know him. concept. wasn't that way in reno.
coffee is big here. everyone drinks coffee! and not just in the morning but all fucken day long. guess i'll fit right in here.
it smells so good here. i want to fully appreciate that every fucking time i go outside. i never want to take that for granted.

the beach where the shipwreck is.....at first i wasn't that crazy about that beach. now? can't fucking get enough of it. i love it. still think i like the other beach in long beach (i think it's long beach)....it has so much character. but the shipwreck beach...i like it too.

getting ready to teach my first art lesson on thursday. holy crap. other than planning the occasional lame-o school party, i haven't 'officially' been in the classroom for 8 years now!! did i mention kindergarteners have the attention spans of ants? yeah. should be interesting. fun, i'm sure. but i'm not even sure, exactly, why i've been asked to do this. if i can get one kid to express himself/herself, to 'click' in some way with art....to remember something, ANYTHING about art in kindergarten, that will rock my world. i really really really want to touch these kids.....help them learn just one thing. all it takes is ONE thing to stick with them for a lifetime.

when you have a hangover, do not go to DMV.

2009-10-19T21:40:00.000-07:00

been spending way more time at the beach than i should.
mostly to keep my sanity.
took callie (the dog) for her first time ever to the ocean this weekend.
she loved it.
the boys and i went for a long-ass walk on the beach on sunday.
callie came too.
nice break in the weather.
sundress over long sleeves, over jeans.
no jacket required.
perfect.
been trying for days to go to DMV to take my test so i can get my oregon driver's license and register my car.
today was not the day for that.
do NOT go to DMV to try to get your license when you have a hangover. just sayin.
woke up this morning (after not much sleep) and wasn't sure if i was still drunk or just mother fucking tired with a hangover.
spent some time with dale this morning.
he's the handyman that comes with the rental house.
that was nice.
he is now 'my' handyman (when we move into the new house) he will come and do whatever i need him to. lol...my mind is apparently in the gutter because that sounded dirty to me. ;-) okay...clearly i need to go to bed!!
talked to jan yesterday. a few times.
and today.
nice. and needed.
without her in my daily life i feel a huge void.
and that just sucks.
we are both having a hard time adjusting to not being close to each other.
it felt semi-normal talking to her today. like we weren't so far apart.
i need more of that.
going to be teaching a one hour art lesson in alexander's class once a week from now on.
should be interesting.
getting my shit together to start this week.
it's been so long since i taught i hope i can get it together.

fuck you.

2009-10-14T21:00:00.000-07:00

got my nose pierced a few weeks ago. photos courtesy of jan (using my iPhone). they stick this pipe thing inside your nose so the needle doesn't pierce more than what you want pierced.

the chick brought the needle through and i literally wanted to beat the crap out of her. it fucking hurt. only for about 60 seconds, or so, but during that minute or two, while she cleaned up the blood on the inside of my nose, and while she clipped and bent the end of the stud, it really fucking hurt. after she quit fucking with it, it pretty much quit hurting.

jan and i were going to get tattoos together. we used to walk together a lot. she's taller than me. a lot taller. so when we would walk i would walk on the sidewalk and she would walk in the street. so i was usually on the left of her. i was going to get a tat on my right arm that said 'fuck'. she was going to get a tat on her left arm that said 'you'. we found this very amusing. but hey. that's just us. of course, once i knew i was moving, it didn't really make sense anymore. no one would get it.

having a harder time than i thought i would adjusting to living here. a big part of it is leaving everyone i know. another big part of it is living in someone else's house (while our house is being built). i don't really feel truly 'at home' in the rental house. doing my best not to let the boys sense this is how i feel because i want them to feel 'at home'.

wasn't truly prepared for the amount of isolation i would feel. another part of me having a hard time adjusting, is alexander going to kindergarten. i am so used to having him home that it feels extra strange to have three hours without him in the morning. AND he's decided to ride the bus home. so trippy. instead of driving to pick him up i walk over and pick him up as he gets off the bus. school starts really damn early here too. and i am so NOT a morning person. all these little things...so it's taking me a bit to adjust. i do love it here.....the ocean, the smells, the sounds...all amazing. i just still sometimes can't believe we moved. once i decided where i wanted to live, it all happened pretty damn fast. that's just pretty much how i roll. decisions are made on instinct and once i make up my mind, i can make things happen. course didn't hurt to have direction from therapist dude. i miss him.

unpacked and organized the itty bitty loft today. found my roll of canvas, brushes, paint, gesso and stretcher bars. got my work table and easel set up. motivating to paint. unfortunately i think i'm going to have to once again try to force some inspiration. maybe once i start it'll just flow. it could happen.

parting words.

2009-10-07T20:13:00.000-07:00

self-portrait taken with my iPhone while driving to astoria (on moving day).

every couple of days the boys and i go to the property and look and see what's been done on the house. we now have a foundation! sweet. better than that, no rain for a few days so the foundation can dry.

october 3rd is the day the blood clot went to james' brain and he ended up in the hospital. today, a year ago this morning, is the day james died. the day i had him taken off of life support. the day i discussed organ donation out in the hall. this post isn't about boo hoo, how sad. it's for me to acknowledge how far we have come in the past year. am i sad? you bet your fucking ass. but, as harsh as this sounds, instead of being nothing but sad today i am choosing to look forward. we no longer live in hell. we live in a beautiful place. i am AT the ocean. it smells good. the sounds are amazing. life goes on. it sucks. and it doesn't. i wish more than anything to have james back. but that will never happen. so i am figuring it out and showing the boys that we can do this while helping them remember their father, how much he loved them....and telling them what he would want for them. trying to help them become even anything remotely close to what he was. if i can do that, THAT will be amazing. because james was the best man i have EVER met.

therapist dude's parting words to me were, 'you can choose to be sad. you can choose to be happy. OR....you can choose to be mother fucking happy. i hope you choose the last one.' i have thought about what he said. i am choosing not to be sad. i still have deep, piercing make me want to vomit moments. i get through them and move on. i haven't quite gotten to 'happy' or 'mother fucking happy' but i'm working on it.

we're here!

2009-10-01T20:17:00.000-07:00

this is where i live now.

took the boys to see the sea lions today after school.

after the truck was unloaded on sunday we took a break before unpacking and headed to the astoria column. look closely and you will see my brother, ethan and alexander running up to the column.

lots and lots and lots of driving. boys did well. dogs weren't happy. we were all tired. but overall the trip was good. things were ahead of schedule. the loading and unloading went well. my brother flew out on monday. it's just me and the boys. no jan. no therapist dude. but we're here. it's surreal.

got the boys registered in their schools and they have started. that's been the hardest part on E. not knowing anyone at school. having no one to play with at recess (for the 2 days he's gone to school now). alexander is uber happy because in astoria half day kindergartners get to eat lunch at school. it's a dream come true. he's SO tired of always waiting 2 years for everything E gets to do. so he was jacked up when he found out he didn't have to wait that long to get to eat lunch at school.

unpacking. but ONLY what we need for the next 6 months. went and checked the progress of the new house. more about that later. now i must get the little muffins ready for bed. in reno school started at 9:30am. here....it starts at 8 fucking 10 am!!!! that is just wrong. it's going to take some adjustment that is for damn sure. but it's all good. went to the beach this morning (in the rain). it's just all good.

one thing that i have been trying to ignore....i miss having someone to tell me it's all going to be okay. someone to hold me. to comfort me. i don't fall apart. i think partly because i can't. because i am it. the boys rely on me. i talk to them. i am honest with them. they have been overall really damn good about this entire move. i just wonder if i am pushing my feelings deep down and if that's ultimately going to be a bad thing. i wonder what would happen to me if i let all those feelings out. i wonder if there will ever by anyone in my life who would want to be there for me like that. i can't imagine it. and i don't often let myself think about it.

my last appointment with therapist dude.

2009-09-22T22:52:00.000-07:00

therapist dude bought blue dot.
he asked me to hold it until our last session.
that was today.
he always comes outside to get me.
when i got out of my car today he saw me with a painting all wrapped up.
when he saw it he said, 'so this means you're moving to astoria on saturday.'
it was a hard appointment.
one in which i cried.
a lot.
i am sick to fucking death of crying.
therapist dude asked me to think about what i wanted to walk away from our sessions with.
i told him it's clarity, direction and a way to deal with the guilt i feel.
i get buried in the shit and can't see a way out.
i get stuck on one small thing and can't move forward.
at all.
he openly gave me direction.
made it seem easy to complete what once seemed impossible.
even though this move is something i want....
the last couple of weeks have been extremely mother fucking hard.
basically sorting through our life together and keeping very little.
saying goodbye to friends.
but mostly it's been the way i feel like i am leaving james.
it makes no sense.
it's just how it feels.
i feel like i have lost something else.
with therapist dude i could discuss anything. everything.
no judgment, just guidance.
he was a positive in my life.
it just felt like i was losing a friend today.
i do think our patient/therapist relationship is unlike any other he's had.
he cussed at me.
i cussed at him.
we laughed.
i cried.
he listened.
he offered guidance/suggestions and flat-out gave me direction.
all of which i needed.
and still do.
but now won't have.
things are going to be different for me.
some of the issues that have been difficult here will be less so there.
other, new issues will arise, i am sure.
we all know i'm freaked out at being 100% responsible for the boys.
afraid of fucking them up.
but moving was my choice.
i think i feel even more scared than before.
because i now have one less resource.
therapist dude asked me to promise him i will paint once we're settled.
he said i need it.
and if painting isn't enough, find a new therapist in astoria.
and keep looking until i find someone i am comfortable with.
someone who won't make me pay their full rate.
he said if they want me to pay the full rate then they aren't interested in helping me.
they are interested in money.
therapist dude said i paint my emotions whether i intend to or not.
he said if he opened up blue dot he could show that to me.
i told him to not open blue dot until i was gone.
i vividly remember what he said today.
with the neutered and domestic thing we try to make it, remember....life is still a wild fucking adventure.
don't try and change that.
therapist dude gave me his email address.
apparently that isn't normally done after termination of the client/patient relationship.
he wants me to tell him how i'm doing.
he said if i need him, if i need a 'tune up'...let him know.
he gave me a hug before i walked out the door.
i'm pretty sure that's against the rules too.
but like i said before, that's one of the things i love about him.
he just doesn't give a crap about the rules....
between being exhausted.
sorting and packing up our lives.
helping the boys deal with their fear, anxiety, sadness.
dealing with my own emotions about james.
my own self-doubt about the decisions i have made.
selling my house (that is a fucking insane process btw).
buying a new house.
the crash course in everything i've had to learn to do these things.
dealing with the unsolicited advice about what i am doing.
saying goodbye to friends.
dealing with intentions that were right but somewhere along the line went wrong....
it has been a wild fucking roller coaster ride the last few weeks.

ps: not that he will see it, my nephew isn't allowed to read my blog because i cuss like a sailor...but anyway...happy birthday kyler! auntie loves you!!

the night didn't go exactly as planned.

2009-09-20T00:06:00.000-07:00

i was trying so hard not to cry.
sitting in jan's car.
she went off on me.
telling me i won't look at this from anyone else's perspective.
i. can't. do. this. i tell her that.
there are still aspects of jan that i do not understand.
do not know.
i feel a lot of guilt.
i am making things more difficult for people.
taking some things away from the boys.
what opportunities am i opening up for them? that is unknown.
jan, gettin all up in my face.....it certainly gave me perspective.
also made the first half of our night together suck.
i shut down.
she is far more socially capable than i.
mediterranean for dinner.
then the hippy store.
still a lot of tension between us.
she doesn't seem to understand one of the things that makes me feel the worst.
the fact i am afraid our friendship won't survive the distance.
it certainly won't be the same.
she won't be right across the street any more.
no more 'just had to come over for a minute' convos that last an hour.
no more sharing our (almost) daily lives.
except by phone.
visits will be few.
have to be long weekends, over christmas break, or spring break.
i wasn't feelin it when thinking about the two of us going out.
i just had this feeling.
for the last couple of days i have felt like something bad was going to happen.
just felt 'off'.
i was so right.
the topic was not brought back up between the two of us.
it was just too raw.
my biggest fear is we won't survive the distance.
we will drift apart.
i want to be excited about moving.
our new location.
but i am afraid to be excited.
whether meaning to or not, the constant 'you're moving so far away', what are we going to do about christmas, how will the boys see each other....are you sure you have to do this....
it's all taking its toll.
i am already so full of self-doubt about this move, all the crap isn't helping.
i suck at the friend thing.
like holy shit kind of suck.
i usually just don't let people in.
jan.....i let her in. she did the same for me.
but this is like foreign fucking terriroty to me.
and i fuck things up.
i know if our roles were reversed, jan would not live her life for me.
she would do what she needed to do for herself, rachael and dan.
i am doing the same.
doing what i think is right for me. for the boys.
i am leaving her behind. her words.
when i first told her i was moving she was all, i will come and see you. yes. you know i will.
then it was..well....yeah...i'll come and see ya. sometimes.
now it's, hm.....can't make any promises.
whether it's right or not, it hurts me.
that she won't come no matter what.
maybe part of why i have been feeling like such shit lately is i feel like our time is limited.
and we are pulling away from each other before i'm actually gone so when saturday comes.....
both of us aren't crying.
i really don't let many people in.
it just never seems to end well.

what i will miss.

2009-09-17T23:28:00.000-07:00

there is no excitement without risk.
i have a door from my bedroom out onto the patio in the back yard.
sometimes i go sit out there late at night.
IF the wind isn't blowing.
when it's a nice night, like tonight, i jam to tunes and sit.
i think.
sometimes i take a nice adult beverage with me.
sitting out on the patio late at night, superburrito (best fast food mexican i've ever had) and jan, dan and rachael are what i will miss about this place.
and that is it.
it is so hard to live my life exactly the way i want.
that responsibility/kids thing......
been feeling dizzy the last three days.
not nearly enough sleep.
too much stress. uh-huh.
but i am getting things done.
during my last appointment with therapist dude he taught me a new word. it's *no*.
i was like...dude...i know how to use the word no!!
he wasn't convinced.
he told me to go home and practice.
i told him no!
then i laughed.
and so did he.
packing up my painting stuff.
really made me miss painting.
how it feels to stretch canvas.
the smell of gesso and paint.
sure hope my desire to paint comes back full fucking force after the move.
holy crap i need that to happen!
time to get off the computer.
i should be packing.

10 days.

2009-09-16T00:11:00.000-07:00

comfort and familiarity are nice.
but they aren't everything.
i want to be open to what is around me.
aware of it.
because i am scared of this move, i am likely to close myself off and live in a small portion of our new place.
hard to explain.
i will take the boys to school.
pick them up.
unpack.
take the boys and walk on the beach.
for a while, (maybe a long while), that will pretty much be my world.
i will be afraid to open myself up to anything more.
to meeting people.
uh..hello...fucking shyest person on the planet!
whose fucking brilliant idea was it to move where we will know almost no one!!!!
holy crap. i sometimes wonder what the hell i am doing.
maybe once i find a level of comfort in our new place that will change.
we will go exploring. literally.
but for me, personally, i am pretty sure i will be wrapped up tight.
i am aware of that.
and trying to force myself to be open to what is to come.
whatever that is.
this may seem dramatic, but over the last two weeks at times i feel exactly like i did when james first died.
i cry for no reason.
omfg i hate that!!!!
i feel an emptiness i can't even describe.
it makes me feel like the breath is being sucked out of me.
it makes my stomach hurt.
nothing makes me more angry.
i really don't understand it.
these horrible, intense, make me want to vomit feelings are coming back?! really?!
and then....they are gone.
and i can picture our new house, us living in astoria.
the boys and i, starting a new life.
i think it's the fact that james isn't going to be part of our astoria lives (i mean physically)....
he will never live there with us.
that makes me so sad.
how something i've wanted for so long can leave me with such conflicted feelings fucken pisses me off.
i don't want to live closed off.
i really do want to be open to what is to come.
to not settle....to not just get by.
i want to feel passionate about something....everything!
i want to wake up and feel fucking jacked up.
when someone makes you laugh, or does something kind, or unexpected, it leaves you feeling, hm....almost a little lighter. a little bit happy.
i want that in my life again.
but i also don't.
because if i experience it, i will want more.
and that really truly scares the crap out of me.
maybe i'm afraid to live all out, because i would be doing it without james.
and if i did that, and was the slightest bit happy, i'm not sure i could handle the guilt.
when i start to feel that way, i try to think how i would feel, what i would want for james, if i had been the one that died.
i would want him to be happy.
i'm not sure why i am having such a hard time with this.
logically i know that my being happy again doesn't mean i don't love james.
i fucking have issues.
i am sad (and actually dreading) the fact i see therapist dude only one more time before we go.
he helps me see things more clearly.
i need that.

11 days.

2009-09-15T21:45:00.000-07:00

if i don't take photos, i forget.
where we've been.
what we've seen.
the boys' reactions to where we are.
i love this shot of E.
a kid, throwing a stick, there's just something carefree about that.
and that's what his life should be like at this age.
a few shots of the place we are moving to.
it's all strangely surreal to me.
it's like i won't believe it until i see it.
it somehow doesn't seem like it's really happening.
having told the boys' teachers that their last day will be the 25th, word is spreading.
apparently we are big news.
people need fucking lives.
people that i didn't think know who i am, know who i am.
and came up to me tonight at the spaghetti dinner (fund raiser for the boys' school).
apparently my reputation precedes me.
apparently someone's husband dying is still big news. this many months later?! really??!!
this shit is NOT following the boys to their new schools.
no one will know our circumstances.
we will be able to start fresh.
i am looking forward to that.
no one will walk up to me in the middle of alexander's classroom and tell me how sorry they are my husband died.
yes, i know he was trying to be polite.
but people don't get it.
that is a conversation to be had OUTSIDE the classroom in a private setting, not one where every kid (and parent) in the classroom can hear you.
school is supposed to be a 'safe' place for the boys.
not a place where they have to have their father's death put right back in their faces again.
so i didn't handle it well.
i looked at the dude and said, 'someone just kill me now', turned around and walked away.
he, of course, was floored. didn't understand my reaction.
therapist dude and i talked about this event.
he said, 'really? that's exactly what you said and did?'
uh...yeah.
people really don't get it (yes..i KNOW he was trying to be nice)...
but i don't want that shit brought to the school!!!
therapist dude laughed.
couldn't believe i actually said those words.
i told him, 'yeah, i know, i didn't handle it well.'
he said you know what?
you handled it fine.
you handled it how you handled it.
now move on.
feeling overwhelmed.
excited.
sad.
happy.
so so so much to do!!

every 6 years or so.

2009-09-14T22:50:00.000-07:00

my best friend's name was darcy.
we grew up together.
we smuggled a cat into her mom's apartment (after her parents split up).
darce's mom was a softie and ginger (the cat) stayed.
darce (and her mom, susan) introduced me to hot chocolate pudding served over buiscuits.
i thought it sounded disgusting.
but it was SO good.
i snuck out of her house to hang with my boyfriend who was going off to bootcamp the next day.
we spent so many hours staying up all night, talking, laughing.
talking about everything. anything.
when we were in highschool (she was a year older than i), we were driving around in her yellow bug.
darcy ran a stop sign and we ran into another car.
i went through the windshield, was unconscious and was taken by ambulance to the hospital.
darcy was not injured (physically).
she was shaken. understandably so.
one of the people in the other car broke a leg.
the second person was uninjured.
we were young, and stupid. and had been drinking.
i ultimately ended up having plastic surgery on my face (the windshield thing)...
after the accident, my relationship with darcy changed.
i often wondered what happened.
what had i done.
our friendship basically ended (or so it seemed anyway).
until i heard that her mom died.
at this point she is living in georgia.
i am in, yes...sucky nevada.
james and i went to the funeral (which was in california).
darcy and i somewhat renewed our friendship.
she called me a while after that.
it was then that she told me she felt guilty (about the accident).
she just didn't know how to deal with it, and that's why we drifted apart.
she felt guilty.
it was like a lightbulb went off inside my head.
of course.
i told her it wasn't her fault!!
we talked about it for a long, long time.
then six years went by.
we didn't keep in touch.
then out of the blue she called me.
again, we got all caught up....said we'd stay in touch...and of course we didn't.
fast forward to tonight.
yes. i talked to darce.
she didn't know james died.
she didn't know we're moving to astoria.
but now she does.
she now knows my youngest son's name is alexander harrison danger reed.
i freakin love alexander's name. come on. danger??!! the kid digs it.
the sad thing is, i don't think darcy ever got over the guilt she felt about the accident.
but i never, EVER held it against her.
it was an accident!!!
we were both stupid, and drinking.
she was just the unfortunate one to be driving.
could just as easily have been me.
i hope it won't be another 6 years until we speak again.
she wants to see photos of me and the boys. the boys and i? whatever.
i want to see her now 14 year old daughter, jordan.
i think about darcy often and have over the years.
it was nice to talk to her.
since she doesn't facebook, or text message and rarely checks her email, i'm guessing it'll be another 6 years until we talk again.
i told her to get with the fucken times (come on, you thought there was going to be an entire post with NO bad language?) and FB, text and start using email!

pwdlwpdlwpdlwp

2009-09-12T15:31:00.000-07:00

it's cloudy and cool.
my kind of weather.
two weeks from today i will be driving.
with 2 kids, 2 dogs and a lot of crap.
it's going to be strange living in someone else's house while our house is being built.
trying to ease the boys' fears about moving.
they are very concerned that we will be leaving without our furniture.
and the computer.
uh...have ya met me?
no fucking way i'll be w/o internet!
it's interesting what upsets them and what they don't seem terribly worried about.
E is not looking forward to being yanked out of 3rd grade.
i know he will be okay.
he will make new friends.
but i don't like that my decision is causing him stress.
next weekend (saturday) jan and i are hangin.
no kids (not even rachael).
we talked yesterday, both of us close to tears.
not sure wtf i'm gonna do without her.
been doing a lot of yoga.
to try and keep my heart from exploding.
E fell and hit his head.
ER instructed me to wake him up a bunch of times at night to make sure he would, in fact, wake up. and yeah, if he doesn't be sure and bring him in. ya think?!
had to do that when he was a baby (he hit his head then too).
that kind of shit is stressful.
looking forward to the move being done.
to getting settled into the rental house.
and watching the progress as our new house is being built.

nbvnbvcbvbxvb

2009-09-10T21:57:00.000-07:00

another no photo post (which sucks).
not feeling artistic, or creative.
my closest friends are pulling away.
before i'm even gone.
makes me sad.
but it doesn't make me change my mind.
just makes me stronger in my resolve.
it reaffirms that i am doing the right thing for us.
that taking care of us...and us only...it is what i need to do.
i sing in the car. actually i rock out. and i don't care that people stare at me.
i don't do it for the attention. i would prefer people NOT stare at me. but whatever.
i do it because it is me.
i need music right now.
i am used to being the odd one out.
i prefer to do my own thing, not blend in with the crowd.
i don't go out of my way to be a freak (yeah, i know, you don't have to say anything to that)!!
apparently i'm a freak by nature. lol.. and i'm down with it.
i don't really care if i fit in.
i am trying to impart that to the boys.
it's a hard thing....kids naturally want to fit in.
i just want my kids to stand on their own.
to stand up for what they believe in (whatever that ends up being).
i am prearing myself.
to go to a new place.
where we know almost no one.
for what that will be like.
having no one to turn to.
might not even be able to call jan.
might just choose not to call her.
i think i have spent so much time hating it here i haven't really pictured in my mind what it will be like when i actually live somewhere where i don't hate it.
the move, selling my house, buying a new one...all the change that is about to take place...it is overwhelming.
dealing with my feelings about feeling like i'm leaving james....
yes, he will always be a part of me.
but this is harder than i thought it would be.
i am talking to the boys about it. a lot. every day.
the more we talk about it, the less scary it will be for them.
they know our plan, step by step.
yoga tonight.
and more ibuprofen.
then hopefully sleep (last night i barely slept at all and that just sucked)!

aoerpaqoeriawoeir

2009-09-09T22:57:00.000-07:00

peoples' actions speak louder than words.
the amount of suckage i have dealth with in the last two days???!!!
holy shit.
but i am fucking walking away.
letting it go.
finally made a fucking decision about the house today.
holy shit wtf is wrong with me.
took me a freaking week to make this decision???
what the hell.
pretty damn tired of everyone giving me their two cents.
about every move i make.
didn't ask ya. so shut the hell up.
i am doing what i think is right for us. me. and the boys.
i don't need your analysis.
or opinion. unless of course i ask you for it.
i just keep saying the same thing.
i'm not gonna sit around here and bitch about being unhappy.
i am going to make some fucking changes.
if it works out? great.
if not? i'll fucking figure it out.
at the very least i will have done....something!! at least tried to change things!!
i can't make things better for everyone.
right now...i just don't have it in me.
i can take care of the boys. they come first.
the others??
you made choices.
now you have to live with them.
i cannot make it better for you.
and if i could?
i'm not even sure i want to.
because every time you were given the opportunity?
you failed us. james. the boys.
so now....you get to deal with it.
maybe in time i will want to make it better.
maybe in time i will try.
but not now.
am i a shitty person for that?
probably.
but it is what it is.
i am going to miss therapist dude.
he is my reality check.
puts me back in the right direction when i go off....
he makes me hear things.
like it's not my fault james died.
i am not sure i will ever get over the guilt of taking james off life support.
therapist dude says i need to find someone in astoria.
look until i find a good connection like he and i have.
he wants me to keep seeing someone.
yesterday was alexander's first day of kindergarten.
he was SO excited. and happy.
i was excited and happy for him.
that is all he saw.
he had no idea that inside i was sad.
because james wasn't there to see alexander go off to kindergarten.
you know...truly...since james died i HAVE put the boys first.
even before james died the boys came first...but now?? even more so.
i put aside my feelings, to take care of theirs.
there are people in our life that are not capable of doing that.
and that is sad.
while alexander and E were at school i took that opportunity to take some of james' clothes out of our closet and donate them. it needed to be done. realistically i can't pack all of james' things. i would like to, and the boys would like me to. but it's not realistic. so while they were gone, so they wouldn't be distressed, i took an entire car load of james' things to goodwill. i am not done.
i can honeslty say me not making them feel better about what they have done...it is the first time i have been like this. it is the first time i have been this strong in how i feel. i am not a mean person. but i am not over it. the fact they can't put their own emotions aside for the boys? that is just damn sad.
it's been an emotional few days which makes me crazy.
emotions suck. they are just so messy.
the closer i get to making this happen...i just have such mixed feelings.
happiness, excitement....but i also feel that sick to your stomach feeling. because even though i know it's crazy, i do feel like i am leaving james.

smores and jellyfish.

2009-09-04T14:40:00.000-07:00

in case anyone doesn't get this, my scarcasm is my defense mechanism.
it is how i keep you out.
it is how i don't show you my true feelings.
it stems from a flip attitude.
if you care about nothing nothing can hurt you.
i am scarcastic by nature.
i would guess to some, it seems extreme.
i think people don't get it.
they think holy crap. wtf.
they see it as me being angry.
they don't understand it for what it truly is.
because of this i am often amused at people. by people.
their responses to things i say and things i do.
i laugh when things are funny.
that is pretty much the extent of emotion you will see from me.
when the fluffy make me gag emotion starts to come out i make it stop.
sometimes i am quiet.
i am always thinking.
i freak out if i don't have access to the internet (and some sort of news on a daily basis).
i giggle when i drink.
i am shy.
painfully shy.
but once i get to know you there is nothing i won't say or do.
i hate being in large groups of people.
when i am in a group of 4 or more i basically shut down.
i can't deal.
if i love you there is nothing i won't do for you.
i am not mean.
i try to be in tune to those around me.
to be kind. and caring.
polite.
so get a fucking grip people.
my scarcasm has been a big part of how i have dealt with james.
i am harder now.
yes, that is true.
which is sad, actually.
but i am also not hard.
if i ever let my guard down i know what would happen.
because i feel things so strongly.
i am afraid of what would happen to me if i let my guard down.
because of how i do things.
how i just jump in.
it's like this constant struggle.
me wanting to live all out.
but not being ready for that.

therapist dude made me laugh today.

2009-08-31T22:35:00.000-07:00

E's first day of 3rd grade.
he was apprehensive.
he did not want to go.
but he did.
wearing his cons.
right on.
one of the hardest things is what has been taken from the boys.
james was not there today.
and E wanted him to be.
therapist dude told me i'm shitty at accepting a compliment.
uh...fucking duh!
then he laughed and said, 'you know, i don't cuss at all my patients.'
which made me laugh.
then he said, 'i'm going to pretend to be you. only i don't have a fucking sailor mouth so i'll leave out all the bad words.'
which made me laugh again.
he told me i am making things happen.
he says i make it look effortless and he is amazed by that.
that surprised me (the make it look effortless part).
because i feel like i don't know what the hell i am doing.
i am full of self-fucking doubt.
there is too much i don't know about selling a house.
buying a house.
having a house built...what i should and shouldn't do in that regard.
what's best for resale vs. what's best for our needs at this time.
he told me to try to see it from his perspective.
feeling guilt about moving is something i did not anticipate.
and it is totally pissing me off.
therapist dude says that guilt is unwarranted. misplaced. misguided.
he says i am dealing with the aftermath and doing what i think is best for me and the boys.
honestly (and i've been thinking a lot about this)....
i think i am afraid to not feel guilty.
because if i don't feel guilty it will be almost like admitting i am able to go on with my life.
maybe more that i WANT to go on with my life.
and i do.
i just really didn't anticipate how it would feel to do it.
it wasn't my choice....but i am now able to picture something without james.
that just makes me feel bad.
not much sleep in the last few days.
quick trip to astoria over the weekend.....
i'll talk more about that later.
right now i am tired.
and i'm going to bed soon.

can't stop listening to DMB.

2009-08-27T00:49:00.000-07:00

there was something about james.
when i met him.
how we just went together.
belonged together.
we just sort of met, and never left each other.
i believe what james and i had, not many people find.
was it perfect? of course not.
but what we had, i really truly believe it's rare.
i still wonder if i will ever come out the other side of this.
i mean, i know i will....but will i ever be anything close to the person i used to be?
after i began to realize and understand what had actually happened.....
literally for weeks i was sick to my stomach. no. make that months. my body was cold.
i would throw up. my body would shake and shake....it is as close as i have ever come to complete and total breakdown.
that still happens to me.
there are still times when i am so sick to my stomach, that i can't eat. my body shakes and just won't stop.
there are other times.
when i feel like i'm beginning to figure some things out.
i begin to feel a little bit of excitement about a decision i've made.
about where we're going to live.
and yes, i know deep in my heart james would want me to be happy.
he would want me to move.
that's not the issue.
the issue is the guilt i am beginning to feel about moving on with my life.
moving on just doesn't feel right.
i have a huge mother fucking hole in my life.
i think unless you have experienced what i have (and am lucky to have had in my life), then you can't truly understand what i have lost.
even though james was sick for 10 years, we were still us. we lived our lives the way we wanted. except for the physical stuff james couldn't do (fly, climb, hike)....
during that 10 years our lives changed yet i still understood how lucky i was.
i can't imagine not having met james and having him in my life.
i have not stopped loving james. that will never happen.
a few months after he died i did things.
things i shouldn't have done.
and felt no guilt over them.
it was me blindly trying not to feel so empty.
trying to focus on something...anything...else.
so why is it now i feel so much guilt about trying to move on with my life.
that is something i SHOULD be doing.
something to discuss with theraist dude i am sure.
i spend so much time trying NOT to think about james, sometimes when i do let myself think about him, it's almost shocking. it feels overwhelming. and that is a minor fucking understatement.
i think therapist dude was right.
the more action i take to make changes, to buy a new house, to sell our house, to actually move...the more guilt and strong emotions i am feeling. yay. (yeah...scarcasm).
i just want to feel a little bit of happy.
so why is it now, when i'm doing things that i 'should' be doing...like trying to move on with my life and figure out how to live it without james...why is it now i am starting to feel so much guilt.
that is not something i anticipated happening.

It Matters

three years later.

a rough patch. and a little cosmic joke.

i've been arting.

four months.

small steps.

another art journal page.

an art journal page.

things that have been on my mind.

hipsta app. again.

magic.

7 things about alexander. because he's turning 7.

disconnected.

who wants it more.

hipsta app. cool shit.

cut the crap.

took a little trip to seattle.

i've gone brunette. er.

finished.

alexander harrison danger reed.

written in a moment of extreme emotion.

metamorphasis. very, very slow metamorphasis.

sometimes the urge is so strong.

oripeircme

weekend recap.

lkdAJWIjs

my hair is getting damn long.

this is us.

from time to time.

if i could go back.

work in progress.

something spectacular.

anyone want to count how many times the word fuck has been written in this post?

containment.

grief.

that feeling.

judment.

seattle.

blog posts should not have titles.

4th of july 2008, 2009 and 2010

things.

small pieces.

1 day down. 87 to go.

self portrait!

painting i finished yesterday.

three for three.

two paintings in two days.

feeling abstract.

conflict.

things on my mind.

*some* of the best things.

i figured it out.

this post really isn't about him.

weior lfk amsdfklcsdf

smells i love.

humans as conduits for extraordinary things.

trying.

here's the thing that irritates me.

here's what i know.

the other night.

redefining.

the last few days.

pr[qmz.,dfladf,;ad

things i love.

aieaieaieaieaieaie

we are moving in 9 days.

i just have not felt like posting.

i should be in bed!

therapist dude.

eporiq-03r-3m,xcmz.x,

a letter.

peace out, yo.

this year.

an art journal page.

things i like.

apparently....

i am a firm believer.

i never claimed to be a good mom.

my house.

time warp.

some of the best things.